Last month, many of us were shocked speechless by the appearance of the head-scratching, mind-melting trailer for Tom Hooper’s Cats film adaptation. The 1981 Andrew Lloyd Webber musical had long been a camp staple of Broadway, but something was lost in translation with the decision to render the actors via CGI into … cats. Weirdly-sized, strangely humanoid, bizarrely-faced, sometimes-breasted cats. For those of us still confused as to who all these cat-personages are, we have a handy guide courtesy of film critic Hannah Woodhead.
Woodhead, an editor at the movie site Little White Lies, is also clearly an expert on all things Cats-related, a status that is both a blessing and a curse in our Tom Hooper’s Cats dark timeline. She was kind enough to let us share her viral Twitter thread, which provides the only Cats character run-down you will ever need.
OKAY LOSERS LISTEN UP I’M TAKING IT UPON MYSELF TO GIVE YOU ALL AN INTRODUCTION TO THE CATS OF CATS
— Hannah Woodhead (@goodjobliz) July 19, 2019
THIS IS VICTORIA! SHE IS THE BALLERINA KITTEN! SHE IS PURE OF HEART AND IS THE FIRST CAT TO TOUCH GRIZABELLA! MORE ON THAT IN A MOMENT! SHE WAS ORIGINAL PLAYED BY FINOLA HUGHES AND NO I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHY SHE’S SUDDENLY FUCKING TERRIFYING EITHER pic.twitter.com/tOqUcPhT3V
— Hannah Woodhead (@goodjobliz) July 19, 2019
THIS IS OLD DEUTERONOMY! ORIGINALLY PLAYED BY BRIAN BLESSED! JUDI DENCH IS THE ONLY SUITABLE REPLACEMENT! HE IS THE WISE LEADER OF THE JELLICLE CAT TRIBE. FOR SOME REASON HE HAS BIG SHOULDERS NOW pic.twitter.com/NQQkLFbIBt
— Hannah Woodhead (@goodjobliz) July 19, 2019
THIS IS GRIZABELLA! SHE SINGS MEMORY! SHE IS OSTRACISED FOR SOME REASON THAT IS NEVER QUITE EXPLAINED! SHE WAS ORIGINALLY PLAYED BY ELAINE PAGE AND HONESTLY IT WAS FUCKIN ICONIC. WHAT THEY HAVE DONE TO JENNIFER HUDSON SHOULD BE ILLEGAL pic.twitter.com/pSKL6xQAZv
— Hannah Woodhead (@goodjobliz) July 19, 2019
THIS IS BUSTOPHER JONES, THE PORTLY GENTLEMAN CAT. HE WAS ALSO ORIGINALLY PLAYED BY BRIAN BLESSED. I HATE JAMES CORDEN AND I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS pic.twitter.com/QjuopVWHPE
— Hannah Woodhead (@goodjobliz) July 19, 2019
THIS IS RUM TUM TUGGER, THE CAT WHO FUCKS. THAT’S LITERALLY IT. THAT’S HIS STORY pic.twitter.com/SHFm5C1pgo
— Hannah Woodhead (@goodjobliz) July 19, 2019
THIS IS MACAVITY. HE IS THE ‘EVIL CAT’ WHO DOESN’T SING. HE JUST SORT OF HANGS AROUND LOOKING MENACING SO ACTUALLY IDRIS LOOKS LIKE HE’S DOING A GOOD JOB BUT I DON’T KNOW WHY HE HAS A HAT pic.twitter.com/NdJyxumao0
— Hannah Woodhead (@goodjobliz) July 19, 2019
THIS IS GUS, THE THEATRE CAT. IT’S SHORT FOR ASPARAGUS. HE IS AN ELDERLY AND FRAIL FORMER ACTOR CAT WHO LIKES TO TALK ABOUT HIS GLORY DAYS. I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO DOUBT IAN MCKELLEN WILL KILL THIS AND HAVE A GLORIOUS TIME DOING SO pic.twitter.com/EEE4k1OoyC
— Hannah Woodhead (@goodjobliz) July 19, 2019
THIS IS BOMBALURINA, THE ~FLIRTY~ CAT. PLEASE REMEMBER TO SPAY AND NEUTER YOUR CATS BECAUSE AN UNSPAYED FEMALE CAT CAN HAVE UP TO THREE LITTERS A YEAR AND HONESTLY, FUCK THAT NOISE pic.twitter.com/qjGCL2UddL
— Hannah Woodhead (@goodjobliz) July 19, 2019
THIS IS JELLYANYDOTS. SHE IS THOUGHT TO BE A LAZY CAT BUT ACTUALLY RULES ALL THE MICE AND COCKROACHES AND MAKES THEM DO HER BIDDING AND BE USEFUL MEMBERS OF SOCIETY. I DON’T LIKE REBEL WILSON SO I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT THIS ANY FURTHER pic.twitter.com/vJXbYfUPMC
— Hannah Woodhead (@goodjobliz) July 19, 2019
THIS IS MAGICAL MR. MISTOFFOLEES. HE HAS THE SECOND BEST SONG IN THE MUSICAL. HE IS A MAGICIAN AND KNOWS SLEIGHT OF HAND TRICKS. NOW HE IS A PEARLY QUEEN I GUESS? pic.twitter.com/fCPJIAeKbr
— Hannah Woodhead (@goodjobliz) July 19, 2019
I AM FAIRLY SURE THESE ARE RUMPLETEAZER AND MUNGOJERRIE, THE CAT BURGLAR TWINS. THEY’RE FUN pic.twitter.com/0ZPTbIz3a4
— Hannah Woodhead (@goodjobliz) July 19, 2019
THIS IS MUNKUSTRAP, THE STORYTELLER. JUDGING BY THE TRAILER HE IS 500% DONE WITH YOUR BULLSHIT pic.twitter.com/37GSFqXWTq
— Hannah Woodhead (@goodjobliz) July 19, 2019
I HAVE A *FEELING* THIS IS GROWLTIGER. HE IS A ROLE PLAYED BY GUS THE THEATRE CAT IN HIS YOUTH. USUALLY PORTRAYED AS A PIRATE BUT IN THIS VERSION HE’S PORTRAYED AS A GUY WHO WEARS OVERALLS WITHOUT AN UNDERSHIRT AND IS RAY FUCKIN WINSTONE pic.twitter.com/QTaXNBrjvp
— Hannah Woodhead (@goodjobliz) July 19, 2019
MOTHERFUCKER, IT *IS* SKIMBLESHANKS. HE’S GOT HIS STATION HAT ON. OKAY WELL, ANYWAY, STATION CATS ARE A GREAT TRADITION IN ENGLAND. MEET FELIX, THE HUDDERSFIELD STATION CAT! pic.twitter.com/E6ou7O0WBf
— Hannah Woodhead (@goodjobliz) July 19, 2019
THAT’S ALL FOR NOW, I WILL UPDATE THIS WHEN MORE NEWS BREAKS. I LOVE CATS THE MUSICAL, I AM FUCKIN READY FOR THIS pic.twitter.com/K5fv1NQydo
— Hannah Woodhead (@goodjobliz) July 19, 2019
I don’t know about you, but after reading Woodhead’s thread, I felt entertained, enlightened, and yet also somehow more afraid. My Cats stage at age four didn’t prepare me for this; all I recall is that “Mister Mistoffelees” is the second-best song in the whole musical. If you’re wondering what the hell Cats, a production based on a 1939 book of whimsical cat poetry by T.S. Elliot is even about, Woodhead also has an exemplary Twitter thread to that end. It might help you understand, at the same time that you become yet still unmoored from reality.
For Cats fans who are genuinely excited for the movie, I’m not here to harsh on your catnip. I love musicals, I occasionally love movies of musicals, and I’ve partially forgiven director Tom Hooper for his crimes committed in Les Miserables, the movie adaptation of my favorite musical that inexplicably allowed movie stars to sing through their parts undubbed.
I think the junkyard heap I really can’t leap over here is the CGI cats decision. The Cats musical costumes and stage makeup were the stuff of over-the-top theatrical legend. They could have been given the million-dollar treatment, providing us with Idris Elba in the leotard of our dreams, but instead we have nigh-on unrecognizable nightmare fuel. If someone could just explain to me why Dame Judi Dench, as a wise ancient cat, is wearing a fur coat on top of her … fur skin, I might be able to sleep again at night.
(via Hannah Woodhead on Twitter, Hannah Woodhead, images: Universal Pictures)
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