Mariah Carey officially declared the opening of Christmas earlier this month, so you know what that means, right? The war on Christmas has resumed, so sayeth Jesse Watters and Fox News.
This year Starbucks decided to agree to the unofficial accord that their red cups needed to be overtly Christmas-themed, so Fox News had to go seek out a different enemy. A more worthy opponent. A gay nutcracker, if you will.
That’s right, the war on Christmas rages on. I’m sure you can feel Fox News summoning the strength to fight its evergreen (and very much imaginary) final boss in the culture wars: “wokeness.”
You can see for yourself, and if you can remain straightfaced through Watters starting off the segment by yelling the words “gay nutcracker” apropos of nothing as if he just completed a conservative outrage Madlib, then congratulations. You’ve passed the test. I obviously did not, because it’s so stupid it’s funny:
Watters is also angry about *checks notes* Target selling a figurine of a Black Santa in a wheelchair. I guess Watters believes Black people, gay people, and people who use wheelchairs don’t celebrate Christmas? For the record, if you go to Target’s website, you’ll find that they have myriad Nutcracker options, in different skin tones, and presumably, sexual orientations. I don’t know, I didn’t really ask all of them, but one would assume.
Like many wars, I don’t remember what started the conservative’s war on the war on Christmas, but I do know that whatever they’re fighting about now, is incredibly far removed from being told “Happy Holidays” when greeting someone. These Fox News hosts are out there on the front line, fighting for a cause that like many, is not only lost, but incredibly, deeply, unfathomably dumb. I would genuinely rather run into a wall full speed, repeatedly, to test its strength than waste any of my precious few remaining brain cells worrying about how anyone in the world is trying to commercially capitalize on Christmas. That’s just me though. I guess I’m built different than a Fox News host.
I like to imagine the Fox News co-chairperson, Rupert Murdoch, sending directives from the safety of his mansion, directing his foot soldiers like Watters to mercilessly wage war on the war on Christmas. Like most men who start wars, Murdoch is immune to the toll it has on everyone else.
Perhaps he might receive the occasional letter from Watters on the frontline, which I like to think would go something like this. (Please queue up “Ashokan Farewell” I promise you it is warranted.)
My Dearest Rupert,
I bring you news from the frontline of the great war on the war on Christmas. I fear our enemy has learned of our plans, and has heightened their reserves. No longer content to remind us each year “Baby It’s Cold Outside” is not only not a Christmas song, but creepy; they have aligned themselves with the greatest of our foes: wokeness … and Target.
I do not know how long I can defend our cherished traditions on the front line. They have gay nutcrackers, Black Santas, and dare I mention it, wheelchair Santas. How can one man stand against so many so hell-bent on including as many people as possible? Is this what Christmas is supposed to be about? Please tell me because we’ve been fighting this war for so long, I can no longer remember.
Friend, I fear we are losing the war on the war on Christmas. It does not help that you sent away one of our biggest allies, Tucker Carlson, who undoubtedly would have been on the frontlines with me, if only we told him the Green M&M was forgoing Christmas to celebrate Haunnukah this year. He was always a passionate and oddly horny ally when the Green M&M was involved.
Rupert, I do not know how much longer I will be able to stay here on the front lines, defending the cause. Just know that I promise to see conflict in every innocuous Christmas decoration I can. I will scream to high heaven every time some hapless person in customer service dare wish me a “Happy Holiday,” and I promise you, I will yell about gay nutcracker every chance I get. In return I ask that you send reinforcements, my Goya beans are running out, and I fear I might have to resort to Bud Light to sustain me if you wait too long.
Yours, always,
Jesse
As long as Fox News has hate in its heart, advertiser dollars to exploit, and a beating pulse, it will wage the war on the war on Christmas. Whether anyone will care is another story entirely, though.
(Photo by Target; Roy Rochlin/Getty Images)
