Well, it’s January, so you know what that means. Tucker Carlson is bitching about how he can’t get horny for the lady M&M’s again. While you and I are worrying about how we’re going to get through the gloom of January, prepare our taxes, or just, you know, survive for the next few months, Tucker Carlson, and Fox News in general, are mad about something I’m willing to bet unless you run a very specific fanfiction site in a very niche corner of the internet, have probably not spent more than 30 seconds in total in your entire life thinking about.
… And yet? It’s becoming a yearly trend for Tucker and Fox News. It’s good to have kinks—I mean, hobbies.
Look, in some weird sort of way, I get it. We all have our cartoon thing. Mine just happens to be animated Robin Hood because I have eyes don’t I? Tucker’s happens to be the Green M&M.
As much as I would love to tell you this is some weird tradition we’re all being sucked into of Tucker’s, and it still could be, it’s partially due to some manufactured outrage in relation to a new, temporary, packaging. Per Rolling Stone:
Mars Wrigley is featuring their delectable chocolate mamasitas on new limited-edition “Flipping the Status Quo” packages. The company even introduced a new purple M&M (she’s really cute). A portion of proceeds from the campaign will benefit two nonprofits dedicated to supporting women in the music industry: She Is the Music and We Are Moving the Needle.
Here’s the packaging if you’re curious, but you need to prepare yourself. Not only is the Green M&M not in heels (sorry Tucker) but it appears the new Purple M&M is in dare I say, combat boots? Won’t M&M think of the children? What’s next? First combat boots and then it’s listening to music with a political message. Then they’re out protesting out in the streets, and then they want their reproductive rights restored at the federal level. Fox News is right to be scared. The Purple M&M is just the start. Obviously.
Now that you’ve seen the Purple M&M, I need to share this clip, because friends? Tucker is mad that the Purple M&M is “plus-size” and “obese.” Apparently this is because it is a peanut M&M and Tucker has decided regular M&M’s have a different body type he finds more acceptable than that of peanut M&M’s? I can’t even keep a straight face as I write that. I don’t know, I feel like a specific subculture I have no interest in is being explained against my will and I’m mildly fascinated but mostly I just want to go wash my hands and bleach my brain because now I’m positive I know what Tucker Googles late at night when he’s sure his family is asleep and he finally has alone time.
Watch this embed at your own risk because what I’ve described is exactly what it is, other than the fact he’s also decided the Green M&M is now a lesbian. Surprise! I can’t figure out if that’s a good or bad thing to him. Only God and his Google search history know, and honestly, I think that’s for the best.
Obviously, the Fox News ghoulies are getting in on the outrage action, they went so far as to put together a four-person panel to discuss. I guess when your team is no longer entirely on the defense, there’s not much to bark at, so you have to drum up more things to be angry about.
From Autostraddle:
The lady pundit, whose name I also refuse to learn, calls Green “a snake” and “a conniving, climbing little bitch” and “an opportunistic little bitch” and suggests you should “run from women like the Green M&M.”
I can’t stop laughing at that. Can you imagine everything that has to go wrong in your life that 1) you’re a Fox News commentator but 2) you’re that angry at a cartoon piece of candy?! What a rich tapestry of words that lady gave us, all over a piece of candy that every time I eat it, I wish I was having Skittles instead.
Like I said, at this point, it’s pretty safe to say Tucker Carlson has a weird thing for the M&M’s that I’m willing to bet real money on is sexual. Personally, I’d like this current chapter in the saga to end on air with him furiously stuffing the candy in his mouth while crying, shirtless, shouting “Is this what you want America? You broke me! The woke mob broke me!” possibly while some random GOP member looks on frozen in fear, and then he has to take a couple of weeks sabbatical. That would be nice. Probably won’t happen, but a gal can dream can’t she?
(image: screencap)
