Everyone’s been over the moon with Ryan Gosling’s portrayal of Ken in the upcoming Barbie movie. And why not? He’s doing the perfect job of sticking to just being Ken, which in turn brings so much life and fun to the character.
If we’re being honest though, all this Kenfare has been unlocking a lot of childhood nostalgia within me. And I’ve come to realize that Greta Gerwig was right: where Barbies were concerned, I never really cared about Ken at all. It was never about Ken for me. Barbies were mostly about fashion and collectible animals, that was it.
HOWEVER. When it did come to men in the Barbie canon, only one ever made my kid heart swoon. And that one was the Nutcracker, from the straight-to-video movie Barbie in the Nutcracker.
Now, to be very clear, I had the hots for the Nutcracker whilst he was a nutcracker. Get that “Prince Eric” shit outta here, we’re in this article for men who crack nuts ONLY.
I don’t know what it was about him. When I was a kid, I was infatuated with this nutcracker man. So much so that when I got the corresponding Barbie doll, I never took his nutcracker head off. Even now, when I look at his weird wooden face and hear his voice, I get a little flustered. It was a pretty foxy voice, expertly performed by Kirby Morrow (who also apparently voiced Miroku in InuYasha and Mikami in Death Note? Go figure).
Looking at the comments of this particular video above, I can see I’m not the only one who feels this way—and I’m not the only one who’s puzzled by it! Maybe it’s his very expressive nutcracker face? Or his bulky nutcracker body? Maybe it’s the facial hair. Or maybe it’s the fact that a nutcracker man is simply more interesting than, you know, some prince.
Then again, I always did have a thing for scruffier men with soft dainty voices. I guess the nutcracker fits that bill. Who’s to say? But this one’s for you, Nutcracker. We loved you at your nut-crackiest, and we love you now. Ken could never.
(featured image: Mattel)
