It’s First Contact Day, and I Would Like the Vulcans to Save Us From This Wretched Earth
Listen, Vulcan friends, I understand why you’re still staying away. Surely you’re monitoring us from afar and lifting those incredible eyebrows at the crap we’re putting ourselves through.
Vulcans are a noble race that value reason and logic above all else. (Except for Spock, who values James T. Kirk above all else, but this is likely due to Spock’s human mother and the messy chaos she introduced into his genetic makeup. I know this is a bit of a touchy subject, but if you need any further proof that we require assistance, consider all the shenanigans Spock engaged with when he was following a human around.)
We get why you’re steering clear of this planet at the moment, we really do, but we need you. Hear me out.
We could use your help right around now, Vulcans—it would be super-great if you’d step in to teach Earth’s leaders, especially America’s, about honor, stoicism, and suppression of emotion for the greater good. Right now we’re all acting like total Romulans.
If you have, like, a Cliffnotes version of Surak’s ethical system and logical principles, or an edition with pretty moving pictures of Vulcan ladies, we might be able to trick Trump into reading something concerning ethics. There’s a first time for everything.
Speaking of firsts, I know that the day of our actual First Contact isn’t supposed to happen until April 5, 2063, but that’s this century already! What’s another 45 years, you might be wondering? Well, I’ll tell you: the way things are looking, we’re not going to make it to that date we have with destiny. So it’d be rad if you felt like getting the ball rolling a bit sooner.
Also, if you wanted to speed things up and arrive today, let me tell you that New York City is a much cooler place to touch down than Bozeman, Montana, and I am a lot more fun than old Zefram Cochrane. I’ve been practicing my Vulcan salute since second grade—I got this.
Anyway, please think about this request at least. We’re already throwing parties today in your honor and everything—no need to wait for that warp signal. I’m free tonight, actually. We can get cheese pierogis if you want. I know a great little spot on the Lower East Side.
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