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TURKEYDOME: The Mary Sue Definitively Ranks Their Favorite Thanksgiving Dishes

Highly scientific polling, of course. Spared no expense.

turkey dance

Listen all! This is the truth of it. Halloween leads to Thanksgiving, and Thanksgiving gets to eating. And it’ll be damn near the death of us all. Look at us now! Basted up, and everyone talking about football! But we’ve learned, by the crust of them all… The Mary Sue learned. Now, when dishes get to fighting, it happens here! And it finishes here!

Two dishes enter. One dish leaves.

Remember where you are—this is Turkeydome, and hungry mouths are listening, and will take the first dish that screams.

Welcome to the first annual TMS Turkeydome, where we, the TMS staff, definitively rank the top dishes of Thanksgiving. I’m Jessica, and I’ll be your host for today. By popular demand, we’ve been asked to forego the national anthem, so let’s get started with the individual rankings!

You can find the aggregated rankings below, too!

We’ll be going in alphabetical order, so our very own Alec Bernal will be kicking it off.

1.) Yams.
With melted marshmallows on top.

2.) Lamb chops.

3.) Turkey.
Dark meat.

4.) Pumpkin Pie.

5.) Meat loaf.

Going protein-heavy–totally with you there, Alec.

Carly Lane takes it from here.

1.) Stuffing.
Preferably homemade, but the thing I love most about it is you can make all different kinds of stuffing and all of them are equally delish.

2.) Sweet potato casserole.
With marshmallows, preferably.

3.) Cranberry sauce.

4.) Pumpkin Pie.

5.) Turkey.
Your mileage may vary, but my family’s tradition is smoked turkey so I will accept no substitutes.

Next up is Carolyn Cox!

1.) STUFFING FOREVER AND ALWAYS. [This is totally how she wrote it, I swear. — Ed.]

2.) Mashed sweet potatoes, the kind that are basically just pie fillin’.

3.) Pumpkin pie.

4.) That weird green bean dish people make that is basically just tuna casserole.

5.) Cranberry sauce from the can.

Cranberry sauce is making a hell of a showing already. BUT WILL IT HOLD UP?!

Next up: Dan Van Winkle!

1.) Stuffing.
scott pilgrim eat it all the time forever breadmakesyoufat

2.) Gravy.
Preferably sopped up by aforementioned stuffing. [Brilliant. —Ed.]

3.) Corn.
With far too much butter.

4.) Apple/Cranberry pie.
Find a recipe. Try it. You will not be disappointed.

5.) The appetizers you foolishly ate too many of before dinner started.

Cranberries again making a big showing here, but stuffing seems to be a universal favorite. ONWARD!

Maddy Myers is up next!

1.) Apple-Raspberry Pie.
I have a recipe for this that I made up, and now I make it every year. Basically it’s apple pie, but you crush a pint of raspberries and toss those in there with the apples. The apples absorb the juice and turn pink (and delicious). [My God. What deliciousness hath science wrought? — Ed.]

2.) Pumpkin pie.
The recipe my family cooks every year involves lining the bottom crust with a brown sugar and crushed hazelnut spread. That bottom lining gets all crispy and delicious and provides a great contrast to the smooth pumpkin filling.

3.) Stuffing.
My family just makes the kind from an instant bag, but with sausage and maybe some extra veggies added in. It’s pretty great even just from the bag, though.

4.) Mashed potatoes.
With lots of garlic and butter.

5.) Pecan pie.
It’s decadent and sweet, so a little bit goes a long way — and whipped cream is required.

Stuffing is holding on to the lead, but we’ve still got a few more staffers left! Next: Sam Riedel!

1.) Apple pie.

2.) Mashed sweet potatoes.

3.) Turkey.
With strips of bacon laid on top.

4.) Foie gras.
I spent many Thanksgivings with French people.

5.) Leftover pumpkin pie.
YES, specifically leftover. Fresh is great but cold pumpkin pie is lovely, especially since everyone uses those cheap pastry crusts. Those always taste better refrigerated.

Foie gras… oh my. I can feel my blood thickening just thinking about it.

After calculating the votes, we now have our first annual Turkeydome Dish Rankings! Hold on to your butts, people. It’s about to get feasty up in here.

In first place: Pie!

In all its forms, whether it’s pumpkin, apple, apple (with enhancements!), or pecan, pie is a universal favorite. Fun fact: Maddy and Dan called it when they asked “What if all five of my choices are pies?” This. This is what happens when all your choices are pies.

Second place: Stuffing!

No surprise here. Stuffing seems to be universally adored by the staff, simply because of how gosh darn versatile it is. I mean, come on. It’s bread. As the Scott Pilgrim GIF suggests, bread is delicious.

Third place: Turkey!

A traditional favorite, of course, and a Thanksgiving staple. I’m going to have to bug all of you for your turkey recipes because I do not know how to cook one to save my life.

Fourth place: a four-way tie between CasseroleMashed Sweet Potatoes, Mashed Potatoes, and… Cranberry Sauce?!

Casserole (not hot dish, apparently) and Mashed Potatoes round out the hearty offerings of the top four, with sweet, sweet mashed sweet potatoes coming up right behind them. But… someone’s going to have to explain cranberry sauce to me. Is it the can shape that makes it super appealing? Because I could totally see that.

The rest of the list consists of one-offs, so consider these honorable mentions: Yams (with marshmallows), Appetizers, Corn, Foie Gras, Gravy, Lamb Chops, and Meat Loaf (no, not him). You can find the full tally right here!

That should do it for us this Thanksgiving. It’s time to let the food coma sink in. But your job has just begun!

Tell us: what are your top 5 favorite Thanksgiving dishes?

—Please make note of The Mary Sue’s general comment policy.—

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Jessica Lachenal is a writer who doesn’t talk about herself a lot, so she isn’t quite sure how biographical info panels should work. But here we go anyway. She's the Weekend Editor for The Mary Sue, a Contributing Writer for The Bold Italic (thebolditalic.com), and a Staff Writer for Spinning Platters (spinningplatters.com). She's also been featured in Model View Culture and Frontiers LA magazine, and on Autostraddle. She hopes this has been as awkward for you as it has been for her.