comScore Trump's 'Council to Reopen America' Reads Like a Sick Joke | The Mary Sue
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Donald Trump’s “Council to Reopen America” Reads Like a Sick Joke

I thought we all agreed to cancel April Fool's Day this year.


Donald Trump folds his arms and sits at the Oval Office desk.

At Donald Trump’s press briefing Friday, he announced a plan to form an advisory council for reopening parts of the American economy that have been shuttered due to the coronavirus pandemic.

As NPR described it:

“I’m going to surround myself with the greatest minds,” [Trump] said in another marathon news conference at the White House. “We’re going to make a decision, and hopefully, it’s going to be the right decision.”

Trump and advisers must balance economic, social, public health and other priorities. The president was asked what metrics he would use in recommending when some places might begin to attempt to get back to normal.

“The metrics right here,” Trump said, pointing to his temple.

Trump announced his team today and, well, they’re just about what you would expect coming from those metrics.

Yup, the people he’s chosen to balance our national economy with our health and safety are as follows (left to right, top to bottom):

–Trump’s Chief of Staff as of about eight days ago

–His daughter

–His son-in-law

–The producer of Suicide Squad

–The former chief economist for Bear Stearns

The guy behind Trump’s nationalistic trade policy

–A guy who, in January of 2020, said that the coronavirus outbreak in China would “accelerate the return of jobs to North America” and for whom “Controversies” is the longest section on his Wikipedia page.

Don’t worry, everybody! We’re in great hands. Not the hands of doctors, scientists, or public health experts of any kind, but I’m sure this will be … something.

(image: Al Drago – Pool/Getty Images)

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Vivian Kane (she/her) has a lot of opinions about a lot of things. Born in San Francisco and radicalized in Los Angeles, she now lives in Kansas City, Missouri with her husband Brock Wilbur and too many cats.