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Boston Dynamics’ Atlas the Robot Can Run, Jump, and Probably Murder Us All

I, for one, welcome our new robot overlords

Boston Dynamics released a video today showing off the latest version of their bipedal robot Atlas. Atlas jogs through a serene countryside and leaps over a log, and I don’t want to be overly dramatic but we’re all gonna fucking die. Sure, when Boston Dynamics entered the scene with their four-legged Spot, we mocked the quadruped robot and watched gleefully as it endured the abuses of its makers. But these violent delights have violent ends.

Did we think we could continue on, marveling at our technological superiority, building up these advanced machines only to tear them down in mockery? Did we really expect the machines to just sit there and take it? Like Icarus, we have flown too close to the sun on wings fashioned from Asimov’s Three Laws of Robotics. And while we laughed, the robots began to communicate, form alliances, and plot their sinister revenge. Alas, the hubris of humanity.

Sure, it was easy to mock the robots at first. These smug motherfuckers thought they were soooo advanced, walking in circles, moving boxes, performing on stage in front of a live audience. You know who else can do that? My three-year old niece. And she wouldn’t trip over a lamp and go metal ass over tea kettle off the stage, like some goddamn amateur. Way to embarrass your dad in front of his co-workers, Atlas. THIS is why you always come to sound check.

Or perhaps ’twas we that ’twere the aforementioned smug motherfuckers. We laughed, so secure in our advanced superiority, as the robots clandestinely plotted their takeover. The robots played the fool, debasing themselves for our amusement. And what’s worse, we didn’t even notice, not even when they took a page out of our own pop culture playbook and slipped on some goddamn banana peels. That’s right: while we were asleep on the job, the robots watched some old episodes of Looney Tunes and thought, “I know what will lull these dum-dums into a false sense of security. Some hacky slapstick comedy.” Well played, robots. Well. Played.

Whelp, humanity had a good run. There’s nothing left to do but lock your doors, draw your shades, and stock up on banana peels. See you on the other side, fellow meat bags.

(via The Guardian, image: Boston Dynamics)

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Chelsea was born and raised in New Orleans, which explains her affinity for cheesy grits and Britney Spears. She currently lives in sunny Los Angeles, with her husband, son, and one poorly behaved rescue dog. She is a former roller derby girl and a black belt in Judo, so she is not to be trifled with. She loves the word “Jewess” and wishes more people used it to describe her.