I intend to be the next president of the United States.
This country is going down the drain. It’s in the toilet. We’re a laughing stock on the world stage! We’ve got right wing former presidents trying to pay people with horses and bleeding heart liberals worried about what’s will happen to the Queen’s corgis. It’s a zoo, I tell you. A ZOO!
What we need is a candidate with integrity. What we need is a candidate with sense. What we need is a candidate who has good old fashioned American values like keeping neighborhood kids off my lawn.
My fellow Americans, what we need is a Libertarian.
Under my leadership, every single American will have their own stockpile of non-perishable canned goods in case of the likely event of total societal collapse. Every single American will have the privilege, nay the right to live their lives off the grid in a log cabin that they built by hand without harassment from the federal government. Every single American will have the right to access extraterrestrial weapons and technology that are no doubt being hoarded at Area 51 in order to better defend their families. These are the sort of non-nonsense issues I’m willing to fight and die for as political candidate. But don’t take my word for it! As an endorsement, I’ve created a list of the finest “Executive” personality types from all my favorite anime to show you that ESTJs mean business.
Izumi Curtis
Now here is a no-nonsense person who knows how to defend her hearth and home. Full Metal Alchemist‘s Izumi Curtis is a self-described “housewife” and takes pride in her identity, dammit! She is stern, principled, and stands up for what is right. She doesn’t accept any sort of shenanigans from her magical alchemy students Edward and Alphonse, and she sure as hell doesn’t accept any tomfoolery from the government. No sir, those slick Amestrian political types better watch out because if they slip up even a little bit she will march right in to their top secret military bases and give them a piece of her mind. Izumi Curtis is a born leader of men, yet also possesses the good sense to take care of her family. She isn’t driven by lofty ideals, but rational, practical notions that help her and her loved ones survive and thrive. Now that is a bootstrap mentality that I love to see. For my first action in public office, I intend to put her on a body pillow and make her my Vice President.
Jean Kirstein
Attack On Titan‘s Jean Kirstein was almost a member of the effete “elite”. He had a plan to work his way through basic training and get assigned to cushy job as a member of the military police in the “Inner Wall” or “upper class” section of his kingdom. And he might have done it too, but his principles were tapping on the window glass of his heart like a prowler in the night just begging to be let inside. And he did the sensible thing and open that window to let them in to the living room of his soul. Jean is a man guided by his principles, and isn’t content to sit idly by while his fellow soldiers are on the front lines fighting the good fight. And good thing for them, because Jean is a valued member of the team. He spurns the “let’s just rush in” ideas of bleeding hearts like Eren Jaeger and instead favors a rational, practical plan of attack. He is the voice of reason in his squad, and ensures that their plans will indeed cut the mustard that is the back of a Titan’s neck. When the Queen’s army of rogue corgis decides to invade American shores to take our freedoms, I’ll have him installed in body pillow form as my Secretary of Defense.
Nobara Kugisaki
Jujutsu Kaisen‘s Nobara Kugisake is another person on this list who refuses to suffer fools. She is a strong-willed young woman who does things her own way, and refuses to let silly “we can save everyone” liberals like her classmate Yuji Itadori undermine her authority. She’s a tough as nails sorcerer who isn’t afraid to bring down the hammer on her foes, and I mean that quite literally, because her chief weapons are a hammer and nails. Due to her lack of experience, she isn’t always correct in her plans of attack, but that is A-okay! Be willing to die for something totally wrong that you think right is the Libertarian Way. Nobara Kugisake sticks to her convictions, the most admirable quality in a person. When I am president, I’m going to fast-track her body pillow to the Supreme Court. She won’t even need a gavel, she’ll bring her own hammer. Because ESTJs (and libertarians) are self-reliant.
Vegeta
Vegeta is a no-nonsense extra-terrestrial that isn’t afraid to establish a little law and order over an unruly human race. In the world of Dragon Ball Z He’s a man of rationality. He uses technology. And he knows better than to fight a man whose power level clocks in at over 9,000. That’s just common sense. He also knows that the only way to become the most powerful being in the universe is to attain the dragon balls and wish for immortality. That’s also common sense. Eventually, Vegeta comes to realize that it’s wrong for a foreign body (i.e. the federal government) to try to take the dragon balls (i.e. my tax dollars) from the human race (i.e. me) and he instead joins up with the human race in order to fend of alien invasions. When I am president, I am sending his body pillow to blow open the gates of Area 51 and teach the human race how to utilize the alien technology stored therein. Because that’s common sense.
Gamagori Ita
Gamagori Ita from Kill La Kill is a laudable young man who understands that his fellow students need to be principled, and if they aren’t, he will beat those principles into them with extreme prejudice. While I disagree with his decision to uphold the despotic regime (i.e. the federal government) that is Honnoji Academy, I appreciate his no-nonsense attitude in doing so. He is Honnoji Academy’s disciplinarian, and isn’t afraid to kick the tar out of any snot-nosed liberal teen who tries to undermine him. Because hating on liberals who are also minors is the Libertarian Way. ESTJs like Gamagori know that the only way to get ahead in life is to work hard, stick to your convictions, and be really huge. Seriously, this guy is a tank. He’s like 9 feet tall. 9 feet worth of good old-fashioned values. I’ll need not one, but two body pillows duct-taped together to represent this man. And I will that body pillow Frankenstein’s monster to the arduous task of knocking down the Washington Monument and putting a more sensible monument in its place. We all know that the Washington Monument is supposed to artistically represent a giant penis. But artistic interpretation is for liberals. Under my presidency, the Gamagori Double Body Pillow will use its raw strength to oversee the construction of an anatomically accurate giant penis in place of the Washington Monument. Because that is common sense.
Featured image credit: Toei Animation
