*You have journeyed into the middle of a vast desert, and find a solitary old woman sitting by the fire in her tent*
Oh do come in! Come in! Oh yes, I know why you’re here! I smell the smell of wild magic on you yet! My nose never lies!
If you’ve ever seen an episode of a Marvel television show, you’d know that Chaos Magic is some of the most powerful magic in existence! But I doubt you’ve been able to leave this plane of existence yet, have you? You probably don’t even know what Marvel is! You poor little level one you!
Well, today’s your lucky day, I’m going to teach you some of the secrets of the multiverse’s most powerful magicians. You’ll be a Dr. Strange in no time! Don’t know who that is? It’s alright dear, we’re just going to start with the basics for now. But first, let me tell you about the spells you have to look forward to!
10. Hold Person
This spell might sound romantic, but only if your idea of romance is the ability to paralyze two people up to 60 feet away for a full minute. If that’s the case, you’re a total creep! The spell can be escaped should the being succeed on a Wisdom saving throw. But if they don’t have much in the street smarts department they’re going to be stuck for quite some time! It effectively removes two humanoids from combat entirely.
9. Ray of Sickness
I remember casting one of these myself when I ate some rotten berries! I kid! I kid! Ray of sickness is far more horrifying than anything that ever came out of me. The spell allows the user to summon a ray of disease that hits a target for 2d8 poison damage. If the target fails a Constitution saving throw, that target is afflicted with a deadly poison! Use your twin spell meta-magic ability and it can hit two people at once!
8. Cloudkill
A cast one of these when I ate some rotten mushrooms! Again, just a joke! This spell is far worse than any vapors my body can produce! It creates a lethal and long-lasting cloud of poisonous air that can sure clear out a room! It can only be dispelled by an enemy who has Zone of Sweet Air equipped as a spell, and who has that? Just make sure you’re a safe distance away before ripping one of these, and shut the door behind you! Or at least light a match!
7. Fireball
This is one of the oldest and most well-known spells in the game! I had one of these going through my large intestine when I drank from the wrong desert oasis! This spell deals 8d6 fire damage to all creatures inside of a 20-foot cube within 60 feet should they fail a dexterity saving throw. And even if they succeed they still take half damage!
6. Counterspell
Counterspell effectively nullifies any spell that any enemy uses against you! Let’s say an enemy has cast a fireball and it’s hurtling towards you, just cast this little charm and save yourself and your entire party. Counterspell is also able to counter enemy counterspells. If your party’s wizard casts a fireball on an enemy and they try to counterspell it away, you can counterspell their counterspell and render it useless! It’s like a reverse Uno card.
5. Abi-Dalzim’s Horrid Wilting
This spell sounds silly. Why would you need to wilt some foliage? Especially here in the desert? Well, remember living things are made up of water too, and can be withered. This area of affect spell forms a 30-foot cube that strikes victims with 10d8 worth of necrotic damage should they fail their saving throws. That’s just brutal.
4. Haste
This handy spell allows the user to make an ally move at DOUBLE SPEED. This means that they gain +2 to their armor class, an advantage on dexterity saving throws, and an additional action on each turn! That means double movement or double attacks! Used in conjunction with a twin spell, this ability can grant TWO party members haste for double the fun!
3. Dominate Person
Oh this spell sounds kinky! If your idea of kink is taking over someone else’s mind and forcing them to follow your every command! If so, you’re a bit of a freakazoid! When combined with a twin spell, this skill allows you to create two obedient little minions out of two enemies that were formerly trying to kill you! Oh the sweet and delicious irony! Two additional party members for you and two fewer for the enemy can turn the tide of even the most hopeless of battles!
2. Finger of Death
This sick little spell deals a brutal 7d8 + 30 of necrotic damage. That’s enough to kill most monsters outright! If a human dies after being hit with this spell, they will reanimate for a short time and will fight on the side of the person that killed them! Oh how deliciously disrespectful to their memory! And all it takes is one little poke from one little finger! Just be sure you don’t use it by accident when shaking someone’s hand.
1. Disintegrate
Here is is, one of the most powerful spells that a sorcerer is capable of using. This spell does exactly what’s written on the tin: it DISINTEGRATES THINGS. A target of the spell takes 10d6 + 40 force damage, and if that target is killed, they are reduced to a fine, gray dust! This means that this creature cannot be brought back to life through ordinary means (as if there were ordinary means for bringing something back from the beyond). A disintegrated creature can only be revived using a True Resurrection spell or the Wish spell, both of which are ninth-level spells usable only by the most powerful of wizards. Odds are, anything that you disintegrate is going to stay dead. There’s really no better way to get rid of an enemy permanently.
(featured image: Wizards of the Coast)
