Gang, it’s been a tough week. Or a tough month. Year? Decade? Either way, I’m exhausted. Luckily for all of us, the indefatigable Gail Simone is here to lift our spirits with another delightfully nerdy Twitter hashtag game. The author asked her followers to come up with a Yelp review written by none other than the Dark Knight himself, Batman.
And why not Batman? He has more than enough money to frequent all the popular establishments in town, and as billionaire playboy Bruce Wayne he has his pulse on all the trendiest places to see and be seen at. Not to mention, the guy is a shopaholic: capes, cowls, spy tech, lobster thermidor. He even has a personalized credit card:
Where does he get those wonderful toys? Twitter was more than game to dive in and share their passionate geekery:
Today's question is…
Give me a Yelp review of something, written by Batman.
Please use hashtag#BatmanYelp
— GAIL SIMONE (@GailSimone) August 10, 2019
"Long ago, gave Crime Alley a very poor review due to a personal incident that might have colored my objectivity.
But godDAMN this is a nice Wendy's."#BatmanYelp
— GAIL SIMONE (@GailSimone) August 10, 2019
Nerd Twitter took the premise and ran with it, delivering some delightful responses. Apparently the Caped Crusader is passionate about justice and good customer service. Batman: he’s just like us!
Monarch Theatre
Great theatre terrible alley 2/5 ⭐#BatmanYelp pic.twitter.com/EsRw0WRrW3— GothamSiren☠ (@JayDoll) August 10, 2019
'Arkham Asylum
Review by Batman
1 stars
Patients break out every day. Hard to be the Night when chasing same 5 people. Staff are often worse than patients. Needs better security systems (recommend Wayne Tech).
1 star for excessive gargoyles'#BatmanYelp— DaemonStalley ~Commissions now Open! (@DaemonStalley) August 10, 2019
Visited museum of George Washington's Mount Vernon estate.
WHY DID HIS WIFE HAVE THAT NAME? #BatmanYelp
— H.P. (@IsidoresDragon) August 10, 2019
No covered parking, butler never showed up to take my order, and the whole “secret hideout” concept is hopelessly derivative. The mind-controlling flowers were beautiful, though.
Fortress of Solitude, 1 star. #BatmanYelp
— Social Justice Cleric (@noaheasterly) August 10, 2019
@GailSimone … I went to the Gotham Museum today to soak up some culture. Just look at the crap that passes for modern “art” these days.
1 out of 5 stars. #BatmanYelp pic.twitter.com/iA334Q6vFi
— T Scott Kohnhorst (@scottkohnhorst) August 10, 2019
Haly’s Circus.
“Terrible trapeze act, but provided a decent sidekick.”
2.5 stars.#BatmanYelp— Tom Taylor (@TomTaylorMade) August 10, 2019
They say when you're here you're family, but the sentiment fails to pacify the part of me that never stops feeling. That never stops preparing for the night. Also, the breadsticks don't compare to Alfred's. #BatmanYelp
— Jeremy C. Shipp (@JeremyCShipp) August 10, 2019
"I washed my new black suit ONE TIME with Tide Color Defence detergent, and it turned grey. I'm supposed to be the Dark Knight, not the Grey Ghost! If I could give this product no stars, I would. Beware the shadows, Tide, for your days of deception are at an end."#BatmanYelp
— Adam Maloney (@cannibalgnome) August 10, 2019
"First of all I have been coming to this skyscraper to brood for YEARS and no one ever said anything. Now I came here last night and new owner sent SECURITY to ask me to leave?! Bad view of Gotham anyway. Never perching there again.#BatmanYelp
— TBR (@tbirdrex) August 10, 2019
"Since the merger with AMALGAMATED GRAPPLE HOOKS, I have to say that the quality of FERGUSON'S FAMILY GRAPPLING HOOKS has really gone down in quality. Rough on the skin even through gloves, ices in cold weather, now on my third dead robin. THANKS, FERGUSON'S. 😭#BatmanYelp
— GAIL SIMONE (@GailSimone) August 10, 2019
Gotham Adoption Services: 2/5
‘Total lack of suitable orphans: No acrobats, child soldiers, or parkour experts.
Weapons training facilities non-existent, though properly austere rooms.
Insistence on FORMS to be filled out.
I don’t do paperwork.
I’m Batman’#BatmanYelp https://t.co/BCROLGB5MH
— Agent of G.I.R.L. (Canada) (@tgshepherdvan) August 10, 2019
Shark Repellent: A must have. Wish you could buy by the case. 5 Stars. #BatmanYelp
— Dave (@daveabrowne) August 10, 2019
I am VENGEANCE.
I am THE NIGHT
I… am… UNIMPRESSED with Bludhaven Escape Rooms. #BatmanYelp
— Caasi Shaw (@geppettonoir) August 10, 2019
Wayne Enterprises is a deceptively warm environment. Contrary to the random complaints about Bruce Wayne being aloof and a spoiled rich kid, I found him to be insightful, intelligent, and sexually attractive. A real man's man. Wayne Enterprises is a national treasure. #BatmanYelp pic.twitter.com/AFrbdKfpyQ
— Dude Thrifty (@DudeThrifty) August 10, 2019
Trends like these remind us that Twitter isn’t always a steaming hellscape. Great work, everyone!
(via Twitter, image: Warner Bros.)
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