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An Interoffice Memo from Arkham Asylum

Attention new hires!


To: New Hires at Arkham Asylum for the Criminally Insane

From: Human Resources

CC: Arkham Asylum Board of Directors, Bruce Wayne

RE: Employee Orientation

Hello, and welcome to your official Arkham Asylum employee orientation! We’re delighted to have you join the AA team as a new guard in training. Due to the extremely high rate of employee turnover, we’ve decided to implement some additional rules and security measures to ensure the safety of our employees and our wards.

Enclosed please find your health insurance paperwork, where you can sign up for coverage under Blue Shield of Gotham City. Due to the extremely high healthcare costs associated with this career path, we are only able to offer an HMO basic coverage plan that starts 90 days after your hiring date (should you last that long, in which case, you must be some sort of superhero! Please be a superhero. We only have one and he is MOODY AF). In the meantime, you will find a first aid kit containing some Bactine spray and a handful of Batman-themed band-aids.

Be advised that friendships and romantic relationships between patients and staff are highly discouraged. This has been a major issue in the past, and we’ve had to discharge numerous employees for inappropriate behavior. This is a slippery slope, folks. One minute you’re sharing a laugh with a charming mass murderer, and the next you’re a hot pants-wearing nihilist with a taste for crime.

Please refrain from any physical contact (especially kissing, see Isley, Pamela) and refuse any and all gifts such as the following: all liquids, gasses, toxic substances, elaborate riddle boxes, umbrellas, buzzers, boxing glove guns, and any rays, beams, lasers, mallets, staffs, swords and serums.

Do not, I repeat, DO NOT stick your hand into Killer Croc’s cage. See Aaron Cash for details.

Also, and I feel like I shouldn’t have to say this, but be aware of your fellow employees. If, for example, you notice that your co-worker is suddenly wearing a burlap mask, speaking in riddles or sporting a tail, they are probably a prisoner attempting to escape. This happens ALL THE TIME. I don’t mean to be curt, but you all literally have one job. Keep the inmates in their cells. I don’t feel like that’s too much to ask, right?

Also, please wear your newly issued protective helmets at all times. We have noticed a concerning trend of employees getting knocked out by a single punch, and the accrued sick days are killing us. (Not to mention the impending lawsuits. REMINDER: Don’t forget to sign your NDAs!)

Finally, Friday is Hawaiian Shirt Day! Jan from accounting is making her famous pineapple upside down cake, which you won’t want to miss. (Sidebar: Jan, please do not bake files or keys into the cake. This is your final warning. I don’t want to write you up, but I will do it.) Thanks for reading, and enjoy your first (and let’s face it) probably last week as a member of the Arkham Asylum team!

(image: FOX)

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Chelsea was born and raised in New Orleans, which explains her affinity for cheesy grits and Britney Spears. She currently lives in sunny Los Angeles, with her husband, son, and one poorly behaved rescue dog. She is a former roller derby girl and a black belt in Judo, so she is not to be trifled with. She loves the word “Jewess” and wishes more people used it to describe her.