HAPPY STAR WARS DAY! MAY THE FOURTH BE WITH YOU, MY YOUNG PADAWANS!
In honor of this auspicious occasion, I have been called upon by the spirits of Jedi long passed to give a definitive ranking of the Star Wars movies from worst to best. Now, say what you will about the Star Wars canon, but it is a century-defining piece of pop culture whose echoes shall be felt, for better or worse, throughout the universe and into galaxies far, far away for a very long time. It’s responsible for creating the Mary Sue of Mary Sues: Luke Skywalker himself. Cultural touchstone that it is, the fandom is rather protective of it. So protective, in fact, that I expect many a Star Wars aficionado to attempt to Force-choke me through the computer for my hot takes. But fail, they will. For real the Force is not.
The good news here is that some Star Wars movies are unequivocally good and others are unequivocally bad. No one is going to try to gut me and feed me to a Sarlacc pit if I say that Jar Jar Binks is a trash character when compared to Han Solo. Feelings might get a little hurt, though, when ranking the more “middling to good titles.” But unlike that one Empire officer, Darth Vader will not find my lack of faith disturbing. Even if the only thing I have faith in is my own half-baked opinions. What else does a person have in the galaxy?
11. Star Wars: Episode IX – The Rise of Skywalker
This movie is just … a mess. The Rise of Skywalker ended the saga not with a bang, but with a Jawa screech of confusion and rage. It feels like the screenwriters took a first draft and were like, “Shit, we’re outta time! Just film it! It’s fine! It’s FINE!” As a result, inconsequential characters appear and disappear, the plot whiplashes from one nonsensical moment to the next, and the film basically undoes a ton of the events that were set up in the first two installments of this final Star Wars trilogy. I mean, the Emperor was vaporized in Return of the Jedi, and then he just CAME BACK?! “Somehow”? AND they cut the literal heart out of Poe and made him a criminal for … plot reasons?
You can see the pain on the actors’ faces as they are forced to perform this awful script. Look at Oscar Isaac. If you want to see a man’s soul flame sputter out in real time, just watch the poor guy try to fight his way through the shoddy scenes this movie throws at him. The fact that this film was supposed to be the climax of the trilogy, the final musical note in the Star Wars cinematic scale, only adds greater insult to injury.
10. Star Wars: Episode II – Attack of the Clones
I could find more romance by rubbing two rocks together than I could by watching Anakin and Padme’s coma-inducing courtship. Attack of the Clones just gets so bland sometimes. Don’t get me wrong, it has some great action sequences. Yoda leap-frogging around count Dooku, the chase sequence on Coruscant, and the Jango Fett vs. Obi-Wan duel were all dope. The problem is that they’re interspersed with the snore-fest of the Padme/Anakin relationship, where Anakin tries to woo her by talking about … sand. It’s not sexy. The only thing less sexy about this film is … *shudders* Jar Jar Binks.
Yes, Jar Jar is in this one, and he somehow is allowed to hold political office while Padme is away boring us to death with Anakin. Any movie with Jar Jar immediately gets points deducted. Sorry, not sorry. The silver lining for this movie is that it set us up for better Star Wars stories (i.e., The Clone Wars).
9. Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace
So The Phantom Menace gets points for bringing the franchise back, but did it really have to do it … like that? Again, this is one of those Star Wars movies with dope action sequences couched in an overall messy movie. Anakin’s pod race sequence is fucking awesome. And then the movie starts getting wonky. There’s the sleep-inducing political plot, the slew of random side characters, and then … Jar Jar Binks. This movie would be in last place for introducing us to him if it didn’t have some miraculously redeeming sequences later in the film. I mean, Duel of the Fates is the shit. The battle between Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon Jinn against Darth Maul is breathtaking. It’s one of the most memorable Star Wars action sequences in history. And it has a meditation sequence in the middle of the fight? My heart was palpitating. A+. If only the rest of the film wasn’t a C minus.
8. Star Wars: Episode III – Revenge of the Sith
Revenge of the Sith actually gets points for introducing my all-time favorite Star Wars villain, General Grievous, but then loses those points for all the laughable dialogue and weird pacing. But then it gains them again for giving us the iconic and endlessly meme-able “high ground” duel between Anakin and Obi-Wan. This movie gets even more points by making things feel dramatic for once. When Order 66 is carried out, it’s legitimately scary and disturbing. The downfall of the Republic is thrilling to watch come together story-wise, and does feel earned. The downfall of Anakin Skywalker feels … less so. If Anakin and Padme’s romance wasn’t simply a discussion of the attributes of sand, we might have actually felt something when she dies.
Revenge of the Sith is frustrating because there are parts of it that are truly good, which makes me believe that it could have been so much better if someone had just given the script a couple more passes. Sadly, the movie is another half-baked entry in the Star Wars canon. If this movie was a pizza, half of it would be fully loaded, the other half would be boring old cheese.
8. Solo: A Star Wars Story
This movie is … kinda mid? So it’s going in the middle of the list. Like, Solo is not bad, per se, but it really isn’t all that good, either? It’s just kind of a weird departure from the greater Star Wars universe. It was like a mediocre pizza. Everyone wants pizza, just like everyone wants a Han Solo origin story. But the problem is, when the pizza arrived it was a little runny and burned at the edges. Don’t get me wrong, we still ate it, but it didn’t exactly “hit the spot” like a good pizza should.
And there really isn’t any excuse. Star Wars: The Clone Wars served us an absolutely perfect spinoff pizza that was loaded with all the fixings. Mushrooms, sausage, veggie, one slice even had pineapple on it. Why couldn’t Solo have been more like that? Probably because they didn’t put care into making it—or at least, the production was a bit of a mess. Original directors Phil Lord and Christopher Miller were fired from the film for “creative differences,” to be replaced by Richie Cunningham himself, Mr. Ron Howard. If anything, this movie felt like a little money maker appetizer to keep the fans busy between the trilogy releases. Sure, it put the magnificent Donald Glover in a cape for us, but we’re not so easily appeased.
6. Star Wars: Episode VII – The Force Awakens
This movie gets points for rekindling the franchise once more, and additional points for doing a better job than The Phantom Menace did. The Force Awakens is frustratingly similar to A New Hope, as it begins with a Chosen One on a desert planet, and ends with another Death Star. One could argue that the points should in fact be given to this film because it’s beginning the Chosen One cycle anew, but to me it feels like a combination of a lack of creativity and a pandering sort of nostalgia. The best part of the movie is that it gives us what the franchise so desperately needed: good characters. The badass Rey, the reformed Stormtrooper Finn, and the charming pilot Poe give this entry a freshness and fun that the prequel trilogy lacked. The brooding Kylo Ren is an equally interesting villain, and Adam Driver’s stellar performance allowed his character to ascend to the charismatically evil heights of the Star Wars antagonists of old. Points are also awarded to droid BB-8 for being a lil’ cutie pie.
5. Rogue One: A Star Wars Story
Rogue One is a good film that is made great by one thing and one thing only: the ending. In a franchise that favors favors melodrama over grounded emotion, I was pleasantly surprised by the grit of Rogue One. It was the first and only Star Wars film to actually move me. It did the unthinkable. It created a slew of likable new characters, characters that (unlike Jar Jar Binks) I actually wanted to see more of, and then killed them all off in the final act of the film. I truly didn’t think the writers of Star Wars had it in them. For the first time in Star Wars history, the galaxy felt like it was actually “at war.”
The early films feature death, yes, but never the deaths of characters who actually matter in this way, and never so many at once. It isn’t difficult to watch unfeeling droids and faceless clones get mowed down by the intergalactic war machines. I pity the slew of Rebel pilots that die in the original trilogy, but I also saw those deaths coming a mile away. As for the main characters, they die in convenient (and often frustrating) ways that make their deaths feel more like sacrifices on the Altar of Plot. A main character (Padme) had to die so an even bigger name main character (Anakin) could go rogue.
The characters of Rogue One didn’t have to die in order to further the plot. The writers could have figured out how to save at least some of them, but they didn’t, and that decision is both ballsy and artistically poignant. Good people die in war. People who don’t deserve it. That’s what makes war so horrible. That reflection of the reality of war makes this film so damn effective. It’s my personal number one favorite Star Wars film, but if I ranked it at the top of this list I think the fandom would crucify me.
4. Star Wars: Episode VIII – The Last Jedi
This movie is beautiful. The Last Jedi is another brave addition to the Star Wars saga. Writer-director Rian Johnson had the guts to shake the foundational pillars on which Star Wars is built. Gone are the clear-cut lines between the light and dark sides of the force. Gone is Luke Skywalker’s 100% heroic image. The film prominently features a diverse cast of both villains and heroes, with women and people of color stepping into the spotlight. Naturally, this pissed off a lot of right-wing Star Wars fans, and The Last Jedi was extremely divisive upon its release. And I am all for it.
This film is well-written, thrilling, and packs a slew of emotional punches. The fact that fans found The Last Jedi offensive for “promoting” laughably ridiculous ideas such as “white genocide” both tickles and disturbs me. It tickles me because it means that the film, and the culture at large, is taking a step in the right direction. It is not just a well-made film, it is a well-made progressive film. Anything truly progressive is going to generate backlash. The backlash is how you know that it’s moving the culture forward. However, it’s disturbing to see that right-wing fans were handed a good film on a silver platter and proceeded to try and tear it (and the cast) to pieces it for racist and misogynistic reasons. Maybe they should check which side of the Force they’re truly on.
3. Star Wars: Return of the Jedi
Here they come, the big three. The titanic trio that made Star Wars the cultural Goliath that it is today. Personally, I think Return of the Jedi is the weakest when compared to the others. Mostly because of the ending. It really just kinda … ends? Like, it gives us an amazing final battle between Luke and his father, where you finally feel pity for the weakened Darth Vader, but then it just sort of fizzles out in a tree-bear party? It’s just … awkward. But the film’s highlights are many. Watching those tree-bears destroy the galaxy’s most formidable and disciplined fighting force is a treat. Also, there’s the awesome speed bike chase, and who could forget the rescue of frozen Han Solo? Still, there are some … unfortunate … moments in Return of the Jedi. Mostly it’s the incest revelation. In fact, it’s entirely the incest revelation. Did we really need to know that Luke kissed his sister Leia?
2. Star Wars: A New Hope
A New Hope was the movie that introduced an entire generation to the glory of Star Wars. It’s legendary. It’s iconic. It’s just all hits and no misses. The introduction of the heroic Luke Skywalker and his badass, blaster-deflecting lightsaber. The brilliant, brave Princess Leia and the charming scoundrel Han Solo. The idea that the universe is governed by a mysterious Force that can be employed for both good and evil. The thrilling, infinitely quotable “use the Force, Luke” attack on the Death Star. And of course, the introduction of the most iconic villain in cinema history: Darth Vader. This movie blew people’s fucking minds when it came out. A New Hope is a triumph of special effects, music, sound design, costume design, and set design all wrapped up in a quintessential good versus evil story that left an indelible mark on pop culture consciousness. The impact of this film simply can’t be overstated.
1. Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back
The Empire Strikes Back took an already groundbreaking idea and perfected it. It’s not only the greatest Star Wars film of all time, but one of the greatest films in the history of cinema. It did everything that A New Hope did and somehow made it better. We get an actually sexy romance between Han Solo and Leia. We get the Jedi master Yoda. And we get a greater definition of the Force; that it is not just a telekinetic ability possessed by the few, but a greater cosmic force that is shared by all life. The best part is that there are no MIDICHLORIANS TO RUIN THAT FACT (YET).
The Empire Strikes Back is also responsible for the most quoted (and misquoted) line in all of cinema history: “No, I am your father.” It was a revelation that shocked us all to the core. The best part of this film is that there’s no giant death ball to blow up; it’s a movie that’s fundamentally about the characters. Interpersonal drama is what drives the plot, and characters are made and unmade by their own decisions and their relationships to each other. For all its high-flying space opera antics, The Empire Strikes Back is a Star Wars film that is fundamentally true to life in its exploration of human conflict, and therefore deserves the top spot on this list.
What does your definitive Star Wars ranking look like? Tell us in the comments.
(featured image: Walt Disney Studios Motion Pictures)
