Not Even Snape’s Randomly Chic Windbreaker Will Get Me To Watch The ‘Harry Potter’ Series
Since when do wizards use zippers?
Merlin be damned, I’m not watching the Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone series adaptation on HBO if I can help it and honestly don’t even want to think about this mess of a situation. However, I happened to see a first look at Paapa Essiedu as Severus Snape in a snowy forest wearing what looks like the latest in Uniqlo outerwear, so I unfortunately have a question: why?
What in the Everlane am I looking at here? Why is Snape giving Balenciaga? What are we doing? This is all I can handle today. Listen, I would love to talk about how the potions master is canonically a thirty-something in the Harry Potter books, and now “finally” on screen as well. It makes his bad ‘tude towards his schoolboy crush and bully’s kid a little more understandable, don’t you think? His frontal lobe is, like, barely developed. Nothing would make me happier than to be excited for the age-appropriate actors this series chooses for Remus Lupin and Sirius Black. Dress them up in Zara’s finest too, if that’s how this mess of a show is gonna go. In a kinder world, I would be so hyped.
But to paraphrase A Chorus Line, I’m feeling nothing. Did you know that trans girls have been given until September to leave Girlguides, the United Kingdom’s equivalent of Girl Scouts, and will no longer be accepted as members? It’s a cruel and unnecessary ruling that kind of takes the fun out of finally seeing Peeves the poltergeist adapted or whatever. I truly hate how so many people either enthusiastically support J.K. Rowling‘s transphobic views, think they’re only “controversial tweets” when she’s actively lobbying the government, or just don’t care. The fact that HBO is so gleefully staying in bed with Rowling and milking this tainted franchise for nostalgia bait that, overall, looks pretty soulless is nauseating.
I can’t muster up support to save my cringe millennial life. I don’t even have the bandwidth to do a complete deep dive on the Harry Potter and the Philosopher‘s Stone trailer and its bad at worst, uncanny at best adaptation choices! I only kind of want to make a joke about how, look England, an American like me said just “philosopher” instead of “sorcerer” twice and didn’t die from lack of comprehension. Yay!
So instead, I’m focusing on why a wizard who hates non-magical people is wearing a zip-up under the windbreaker. Snape would never, IMHO. (Apropos of nothing, have you seen Essiedu in The Effect alongside Taylor Russell on the National Theatre Live at Home streaming service? He’s really, really charming and heartbreaking and just excellent in it! Great actor. You’ve seen I May Destroy You, right? So good.) What’s going on with those drawstrings on the hood? Those are muggle inventions, my guy.
This costume is just a goth raincoat, and for what? Looks comfy and cool out of context, sure, but it doesn’t make any sense. Why are his robes weather proof? That’s not necessary in this world. Snape has a wand. He can repel the elements with magic. Actually, if I recall correctly from Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (that’s Snape, by the way, spoiler alert…) he is so good at magic that he doesn’t even need a wand to do magic. So why does he need synthetic layers to go outside? As a character I once cared a lot about (?) whose name is Ronald Bilius Weasley might say, HAVE YOU GONE MAD? ARE YOU A WIZARD OR NOT?
(featured image: HBO)
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