Is It a Red Flag If Your Partner Refuses to Split Bills?
One of the most hotly debated questions in relationship etiquette, opinions on splitting the bill can vary widely. When the check comes, some say the highest earner in the relationship should pay. More traditional thinkers believe that the responsibility falls to the man (assuming there is a man in the relationship). Others throw out issues of finances and gender roles entirely, opting to split 50/50 every time. While there’s no universally agreed-upon way to go about picking up the tab, some methods may result in more long-term relationship happiness than others.
They Don’t Reach for Their Wallet, Should You Reach for the Door?
According to My LA Therapy director Brooke Sprowl, the question of whether your partner should chip in for a meal depends less on universally agreed-upon dating etiquette and more on “what that decision represents in the context of our personal value systems.” The idea that a man should pay in a heterosexual relationship is a deeply ingrained social idea, one that still holds a lot of sway even in modern dating. While some people might want to move past these traditional gender norms, others don’t. If you identify as a man and you feel happy to pay for your female partner’s meal every time, then by all means, do so. If the idea of picking up every tab would make you feel resentful of your partner, then a partner who holds more traditional ideas around gender might not be the best match.
Conversely, if you identify as a woman and feel appreciated and cared for when your male partner pays the bill, then let him. However, if your male partner’s insistence on paying causes you to suspect that he’s trying to make you financially dependent on him, that he doesn’t want you to make financial decisions for yourself, or that he wants you to fulfill a traditional role that you don’t want to step into, then you should probably bolt for the door. After all, one’s personal finances are one’s power. When that power is eroded, a relationship can become toxic and more difficult to escape.
But What About In Queer Relationships?
There are no well-established rules when it comes to paying the bill in queer relationships — and I’d argue that is the beauty of queer love. By definition, queer relationships have historically existed outside of traditional gender norms. Denied from traditional institutions like marriage for centuries, queer people have had to come up with their own rules when it comes to love, dating, sex, and partnerships. If you’re a male-identifying person in a queer relationship, it might feel gender-affirming to pick up your partner’s tab. However, it’s important to consider your partner’s gender identity and how this decision might make them feel. It might make your partner feel appreciated, or it might make them feel as though you’re trying to fit them into a gender role they don’t identify with. When in doubt, ask.
While there’s no clear answer to the question of bill payment, a good rule of thumb is to do what feels best for you. If your partner is truly right for you, they’ll support your decisions around money — and dinner dates will be a breeze from here on out.
(featured image: Adrian S. Burrows Sr./Netflix)
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