Ugh. Honka-honka. Apparently, I wasn’t the only one who was really hoping for some Dragon Age: Dreadwolf news out of the 2022 Game Awards last night. Apparently, quite a lot of us are putting on the clown makeup as we put a cap on this week.
It was completely within the realm of possibility, after all: Dragon Age Day came hot off the heels of an alpha announcement, and today is, of course, the day that the Netflix show Dragon Age: Absolution is released. And considering their most recent “in-game cinematic” told us absolutely nothing (oh REALLY, Solas is the villain, and Varric will be in it???? omg darksided!!), we were all so, so ready to hear some actual news—something we could really chew on! A companion or two, a cameo, anything at all!
I mean, god, I feel like someone who’s been suckered into talking to their ex again, only to get the same ol’ kick in the head by way of a clown-sized boot. Rationalize all you want, but at the end of the day, you’re still in the goddamn circus.
And honestly? What an absolute waste of time!
Yes, we got some great announcements, including Hades 2 and the Baldur’s Gate 3 release date, but I didn’t need to sit through three hours of awkward gamerisms just for nothing. Poor Al Pacino and I deserved a comfy chair, at the very least.
At least then I’d have a chance of looking like Robert Pattinson! Instead, I’m just wrapped up in my PJs and folding some laundry to deal with the disappointment, like a goddamn idiot.
It’s like that meme of a song where the build-up just keeps going and going and going, but then the song ends right before the climax. Babe, I can’t do this anymore, I need a new toy.
*sad clown noises*
To a certain degree, though, I should have predicted this. I’ve never watched a TGA all the way through, but I was just that hopeful for some droplet of news that I let myself believe. I should have read the writing on the digital wall, laid out right before my denying eyes:
Honey, you can’t keep doing this to me. You’ll never give me the closure I want, so I’m going to have to take things into my own hands:
It’s not “goodbye,” it’s “I’m gonna date your cousin for a little while.” Absolution looks great. She showed up on time, right when I needed her:
So until the day you finally decide you’re done massaging the villainous egg’s head and it’s open season on his ass, I’m gonna be sitting here, pretending like I don’t care at all.
(featured image: Nexus Mod “Clown Solas,” by jonathanbonathan)
