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If ‘Masturbation Is a Form of Witchcraft’ Then It’s Time To Go Wand Shopping

Ride that broom all the way home.

Michelle Pfeiffer as the sexy evil witch, Lamia, in Neil Gaiman's Stardust

I thought my catholic school days were over. Apparently, the lord is still trying to test me. Or, rather, not necessarily “the lord,” but some random woman on TikTok who’s clearly going through it. If you’re sensitive to catholicism, I’d recommend not watching this video, as the language she uses is classic “Catholic Guilt” shaming language:

To summarize: A woman has been indoctrinated by the American religious patriarchy into believing that self-pleasure is a form of witchcraft, which is bad, so bad, vewy vewy bad. I’m torn between making fun of this and being more serious, because humor is often a way to cope with old triggers, yet I must acknowledge that the rhetoric she uses has been historically harmful to all kinds of people. Even I, as a secular person who was raised secular, had to overcome shame regarding masturbation because of catholic rhetoric.

So hey, regardless of where you’re coming from with this, let me be clear: Masturbation is not a punishable evil, nor an evil at all (unless you’re into that, in which case, Hell yeah, be your witchy self) and you do not need to feel ashamed of it, unless you’re somehow involving others without their consent. Masturbation is normal! Monkeys at the zoo masturbate! My puppy used to masturbate with her toy all the time! And if that’s sinful, then you know what, fuck it, I’ll go down with the ship. Me and Lilliput are going straight to hell, baby.

Masturbation is akin to self-care; it’s a way of treating your body so that you can feel good and unwind. It’s natural, and it’s nothing to feel bad about. Plus, oftentimes people get more pleasure from masturbation than when they actually have sex—which is sad, yes, but like Mitski said, “Nobody fucks me like me.” You won’t know what you like until you try it out yourself!

Ultimately, I feel sorry for this woman. I’d hate to live in a world where giving yourself a ticket to your own splash zone is considered a sin. Someone needs to get her a wand, and stat—especially with all these great holiday discounts going around, too … ooh, and Bellesa is doing a lot of partnerships right now…hey wait, I could use one of those …

Hey you know what? We’ll end on a plug: sex toys are also great and not shameful at all. If you don’t have any, consider an investment! And don’t be like me and go with the cheapest option available. Really treat yourself and go all out. This is your body we’re talking about, and it deserves the best. Otherwise, you’ll end up with a $25 glass dildo that you have to heat up during winter. Oof. Ouch. My bits.

(featured image: Paramount)

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Madeline (she/her) is a writer and dog mom. She aims to use her writing to positively represent mixed-race people like herself, and is currently working on a novel. However, when she isn't writing, she's either battling insomnia or taking too many naps. You can read her stuff at https://madelinecwrites.com/