Oh laddies and lassies and all non-binary creatures of the sea … I’ve done something terrible.
After toiling away on my pirate ship all the day long, I fancy composing works of fan fiction before I lay a’bed. I’ve already worked my way through an erotic retelling of various work o’ the Bugs Bunny canon, and I have now created something even more ‘orrible. Something truly unseemly. Something not fit for the eyes of mortal men.
I’ve created a monster of a fic that tells the tale of each Straw Hat pirate had they never made the acquaintance of their captain Monkey D. Luffy. And ’tis a grim tale indeed. Do ye’ wish to hear it? I’m sure ye do.
Chapter 1: Zoro Alone
Zoro was arrested by the Marines fer’ killin a mangy cur that would have taken the life of a sweet little girl. He sets up late at night in jail, pondering his fate. “I wish me last opponent had been one that was more worthy” he thinks. “Now I’ll never be the greatest swordsman alive.” These are the last thoughts that he thinks just before the executioner sends him off to meet his maker. A tragic talent wasted! Oh how horrible!
Chapter 2: Nami Grows Old
Nami had already been saved by Luffy from the clown pirate Buggy, and was rescued by the luber multiple times afterwards. In me fiction, she is able to outwit that fool of a clown and escape, but a dark fate awaits her in when she returns to her village. The dread ruler Arlong, the man who killed her adoptive mother. Nami made a deal with Arlong that he would free her village if she earned 100,000,000 bellies by working for him. Without Luffy’s help in defeating Arlong, she works herself down to the bone for the rest of her life. After she finally pays the debt at the old age of ninety, Arlong reveals he ne’er planned to free the village at all. Nami’s poor heart gives out at the shock, realizing that she waster her life for nothing. Too cruel!
Chapter 3 No One Can Usopp Up All This Blood!
Usopp tried in vain to defeat the dastardly pirate Kuro, who was causing a ruckus in his village. He discovered Kuro’s plot to use and kill his dear friend, and decided to stand against the pirate and his crew once and for all! Without Zoro and Luffy there to help him, he was slain by the evil pirates. None have been able to get his bloodstains out of the ground to this day!
Chapter 4: San-jeez, Can’t Anyone Get A Break?
Luffy’s crew mate Sanji was cruelly blackmailed by his own father to marry one of the daughters of Big Mom. Without Luffy to stop him, Sanji would have said yes and married Charlotte pudding. Their nuptials are short lived however, as Big Mom crashes through the ceiling of the newlywed’s bedroom and flattens Sanji while he waits for Charlotte to get out of the shower! She had planned to kill him after the marriage all along! The rest of his family too! Oh blackest of fates!
Chapter 5: Chopper-ed To Pieces
Chopper lived far and away in a mysterious land known as the Drum Kingdom, which was ruled by a cruel king named Wapol. Wapol was the man responsible for killing poor Chop’s only friend, and so the Chopinator challenged the king to a duel! But Luffy never arrived in order to help him to defeat the king, and poor Chopper was chopped up and fed to the sharks!
Chapter 6: Rob(in) A Lady Of Her Life!
After being blackmailed to give herself up to the World Government, Robin’s head was robbed from off her shoulders! The World Government has no tolerance for law breakers, and she would have surely been executed during the Ennis Lobby arc with no Luffy there to save her! She and Zoro locked eyes before she met her fate. A tragic glance of mutual pity! I retconned it that he was next to be executed after her!
Chapter 7: Frankly My Dear, Fate Doesn’t Give A Damn!
Fate is a cruel mistress! The Wheel of Fate turns, and none can stop it! The wheel surely falls down hard on top of dear Franky’s head, for the bad luck of the fact that he knows all the details of the Pluton blueprints! Pluton is an ancient battleship, and one of the great superweapons of a bygone world! After The World Government became keen on the fact that Franky was keen on the the design, they execute him to keep him quiet! Because Luffy wasn’t there to save Robin at Ennis Lobby, he died shortly after her execution. The bright side is, he was already being held there, so I didn’t need to retcon anything!
Chapter 8: The Brook Runs Dry
Brook “survives” without the help of Luffy, but he surely doesn’t live! If I may offer a technicality, Brook is already dead. He lives alone on a godforsaken rock after having witnessed all of his former crew mates die of poison! He himself died as well, but his body was resurrected due to the power of his devil fruit! His wayward soul didn’t find his body again until he was nothing but bleached bones! Without Luffy to find him, he suffers a pointless existence alone on the island, until one day his soul simply dries out of his bones out of sheer boredom!
Chapter 9: Somebody Puts Jimbei-by In A Corner
The corner of a prison cell! Where he rots for the rest of his days! Jimbei would have never been freed from Impel Down if Luffy hadn’t broken into the “impenetrable” prison in the first place! For his crimes against the World Government, Jimbei was confined at the nastiest level of the prison. He dies an old fishman down there, surrounded by his adopted rat family. It’s a bittersweet ending, as he gets to say goodbye to his rat great-great-great grandchildren before he hauls off to Davey Jones locker. I couldn’t have the whole thing be a downer, now could I?
(Featured Image: Toei Animation)
