5 Ways to Channel Your Inner Winner, Just Like Kevin McCarthy
Yass Queen! After a
humiliating record-breaking fifteen votes, Republican Congressman Kevin McCarthy was finally elected as Speaker of the House last night. It only took four arduous days, sacrificing his entire soul (or what was left of it), his dignity, his pride, and any future negotiating tactics to the most fringe, lunatic members of the GOP to do it! But hey, he won right? Not to mention we got to see an almost all-out brawl on the House floor when Alabama Congressman Mike Rogers got his whole wig snatched off when he went running at Matt Gaetz for ruining the vote for the 14th time. Or as Ahmed Baba put it, “Trying to take Congress back to the 1800s when they threw hands.” The GOP is currently messier than a 2003 episode of Rock of Love!
But now that the dust and toupee tape has settled, let’s look at our new leader, Kevin McCarthy, and see if we too can find some lessons to be learned about doing whatever – and I mean whatever – it takes to stay in the game! And who better to turn to than some of McCarthy’s own (probable) inspirations. Remove those spines and let’s get to work shall we!
The Gimp – Pulp Fiction
Now don’t get it twisted. The Gimp is not here because of his fetish or any surface-level joke about BDSM and the leather community. No, the gimp is starting us off, and starting us off strong, because he has put his body and life in the hands of a lunatic racist “security officer” with an ego trip and an axe to grind. Zed wants to kidnap and assault whoever he wants, whenever he wants, with impunity – and the Gimp is more than happy to help him make that happen, why he won’t even speak a word against him! Sound familiar?
Theon/Reek – Game of Thrones
His name is Reek! REEK! One of the most depressing and upsetting storylines from Game of Thrones was the breaking of Theon Greyjoy by Ramsay Bolton. Bolton tortured Theon within an inch of his life and broke him to such an extent that he willingly went by the name Reek and did all of Bolton’s awful biddings. He even sat back silently, refusing to stop any of Bolton’s many, many atrocities. But, hey, he was alive at least right? Which is perhaps the message McCarthy took from Reek after losing the Speaker vote an astonishing 14 times! He might have to endure utter humiliation and kowtow to absolute demons, but he got that Speakership! Or should I say, Reekership!
Eli Sunday – There Will Be Blood
Time to start taking it back to McCarthy’s roots! Dusty, musty, Bakersfield California! And what better encapsulation of both bloodthirsty, murderous capitalism and the broken, battered shells it leaves in its wake, and McCarthy’s utter degradation at the hands of people he thought he could trust than Eli Sunday’s complete unraveling at the hands of oil tycoon Daniel Plainview in There Will Be Blood. Much like McCarthy and Gaetz, Eli thought he had Plainview well in hand, when it turns out Plainview was sucking his milkshake dry all along!
Chip Baskets – Baskets
We’re deep in our Bakersfield roots now honey! While Zach Galifianakis’ Chip might have a lot more complexity and pathos than our newly appointed House majority leader, but he’s still a clown from Bako! Chip can be surly, ornery, and downright rude to most of the people in his life (especially his mother Christine and friend Martha), but that’s just because he would do anything to achieve his life-long dream of becoming a rodeo clown! And McCarthy knows a thing or two about sacrificing whatever it takes for clowndom!
The Running Man
I know we’ve been having a good laugh at the chaos of the past few days, but it is alarming just how much McCarthy was willing to bend over backward to appease the most insane fringe sector of his party in order to wheedle out their votes. Even after they made him grovel and beg, they still made him go through fourteen rounds of votes, just to prove to him (and the public) their power. And now they effectively have him as their puppet – which is frankly, terrifying!
And that’s why we are ending this list, not with a final clown or coward, but the 80’s sci-fi dystopian camp classic The Running Man. Set in 2017 (hahaha) it feels more like what is soon to be our future! Arnold Schwarzenegger plays Ben “The Butcher of Bakersfield” Richards, a man falsely accused of massacring 60 people by the violent police state in control of the country. The masses are kept soothed and entertained by bloody gladiator competitions in which convicted criminals are forced to fight for their lives and soon Richards finds himself a part of the deadly game show. We might enjoy the chaos for now, but let’s not forget that racist, conspiracy-driven fascists now have an even stronger foothold in our government thanks to McCarthy!
Have a tip we should know? [email protected]