Somehow All of These Things Happened in 2021, the Longest Year on Human Record
2021 was, without a doubt, the longest year on human record. Allegedly, the year had the same number of days as every other year, but the evidence just doesn’t add up. Too much has happened and it went on for far too long.
Clearly, the rules of space and time have been bent. How else can we explain the fact that all these things are things that happened in the last 365 days?
The lawyer who couldn’t figure out how to turn off his Zoom filter (February 9)
He swears he’s not really a cat.
“I’m here live, I’m not a cat,” says lawyer after Zoom filter mishap
“I can see that,” responds judge pic.twitter.com/HclKlAUwbM
— Lawrence Hurley (@lawrencehurley) February 9, 2021
That time the ocean caught on fire (July 3)
RING OF FIRE: An undersea gas pipeline ruptured in the Gulf of Mexico, sending infernal flames boiling to the surface in the Gulf waters. pic.twitter.com/vm1Ph6Skhi
— CBS News (@CBSNews) July 3, 2021
Because why should our dystopian harbingers be subtle?
The Bernie meme (January 20)
That image of Bernie all wrapped up with his mittens, sitting on his folding chair, was from Joe Biden’s inauguration, which was, somehow, this year.
me long after the pandemic, happily mingling at a party pic.twitter.com/3rYGCeUKU4
— Anne T. Donahue (@annetdonahue) January 20, 2021
Sea Shanties (January)
Remember that week when everyone was obsessed with sea shanties? Also this year.
— mylifeforfun_ (@mylifeforfun) January 11, 2021
Cinnamon Toast Shrimp (March 22–24)
I was convinced to go back through the bag, since when I first noticed the shrimp tails, I freaked out and closed the box. Here’s all my findings, which also now includes a weird little string? pic.twitter.com/mRDUhqG3I8
— Jensen Karp (@JensenKarp) March 22, 2021
Back in March, writer/producer Jensen Karp pretended to find shrimp tails in a box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch. In the span of about 24 hours, he earned the horrified sympathy of most of the internet before people caught on that his story could not be real. After posting dozens of tweets documenting his (fake) experience, he has not tweeted since.
A man named Karp married to a woman named Fishel found shrimp tails in a box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch. The cereal was purchased from the Costco on Topanga Canyon Blvd, and his wife played Topanga in Boy Meets World. Meanwhile, Karp used to be a guest on Pistol Shrimp Podcast.
— Batmanda (@HarveyBar22) March 24, 2021
Honorable mention: Bean Dad (January 2)
Matt Damon let us all know he just recently stopped using gay slurs (August 1)
2021 was also apparently the year Damon stopped using gay slurs, since the story he told–unprovoked! no one asked!–involved his daughter getting mad at him for using the F-slur only “months ago.”
People love throwing themselves into the fire completely unprovoked these days https://t.co/JANmpfe0A9
— Matthew A. Cherry (@MatthewACherry) August 1, 2021
The entire downfall of the Golden Globes
One week before this year’s Golden Globes ceremony, the Los Angeles Times published the results of an investigation into the Hollywood Foreign Press Association that revealed deep corruption in the organization—from the HFPA’s complete lack of Black members to the fact that they were apparently entirely susceptible to bribery via swag and VIP treatment. (WHich at least gave us an explanation for Emily in Paris’ otherwise inexplicable nomination.)
This all started in February but the fallout lasted months.
Trump was banned from Twitter (January 8)
— Hillary Clinton (@HillaryClinton) January 9, 2021
It seems like he’s been gone for years.
listen. we all know it’s very much too little too late. But it is also VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY FUNNY
— whit, (@whitneyarner) January 9, 2021
Honorable mention: Trump’s second impeachment (January – February)
The Capitol attack was this year.
Honestly, good riddance to the entirety of 2021.
The only problem with year in review stuff is that it assumes you want to look back at a year instead of repeatedly run it over with a truck.
— Kashana (@kashanacauley) December 27, 2021
(image: BRENDAN SMIALOWSKI/AFP via Getty Images / screenshot / Visual Hunt)
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