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Somehow All of These Things Happened in 2021, the Longest Year on Human Record

A collection of images: Bernie Sanders at the inauguration, a screenshot of Donald Trump's suspended Twitter account, a box of cinnamon toast crunch

2021 was, without a doubt, the longest year on human record. Allegedly, the year had the same number of days as every other year, but the evidence just doesn’t add up. Too much has happened and it went on for far too long.

Clearly, the rules of space and time have been bent. How else can we explain the fact that all these things are things that happened in the last 365 days?

The lawyer who couldn’t figure out how to turn off his Zoom filter (February 9)

He swears he’s not really a cat.

That time the ocean caught on fire (July 3)

Because why should our dystopian harbingers be subtle?

The Bernie meme (January 20)

That image of Bernie all wrapped up with his mittens, sitting on his folding chair, was from Joe Biden’s inauguration, which was, somehow, this year.

Sea Shanties (January)

Remember that week when everyone was obsessed with sea shanties? Also this year.

Cinnamon Toast Shrimp (March 22–24)

Back in March, writer/producer Jensen Karp pretended to find shrimp tails in a box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch. In the span of about 24 hours, he earned the horrified sympathy of most of the internet before people caught on that his story could not be real. After posting dozens of tweets documenting his (fake) experience, he has not tweeted since.

Honorable mention: Bean Dad (January 2)

Matt Damon let us all know he just recently stopped using gay slurs (August 1)

2021 was also apparently the year Damon stopped using gay slurs, since the story he told–unprovoked! no one asked!–involved his daughter getting mad at him for using the F-slur only “months ago.”

The entire downfall of the Golden Globes

One week before this year’s Golden Globes ceremony, the Los Angeles Times published the results of an investigation into the Hollywood Foreign Press Association that revealed deep corruption in the organization—from the HFPA’s complete lack of Black members to the fact that they were apparently entirely susceptible to bribery via swag and VIP treatment. (WHich at least gave us an explanation for Emily in Paris’ otherwise inexplicable nomination.)

This all started in February but the fallout lasted months.

Trump was banned from Twitter (January 8)

It seems like he’s been gone for years.

Honorable mention: Trump’s second impeachment (January – February)

Finally, This:

Embed from Getty Images

The Capitol attack was this year.

Embed from Getty Images

Honestly, good riddance to the entirety of 2021.

(image: BRENDAN SMIALOWSKI/AFP via Getty Images / screenshot / Visual Hunt)

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Vivian Kane (she/her) is the Senior News Editor at The Mary Sue, where she's been writing about politics and entertainment (and all the ways in which the two overlap) since the dark days of late 2016. Born in San Francisco and radicalized in Los Angeles, she now lives in Kansas City, Missouri, where she gets to put her MFA to use covering the local theatre scene. She is the co-owner of The Pitch, Kansas City’s alt news and culture magazine, alongside her husband, Brock Wilbur, with whom she also shares many cats.