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  1. A Guy Saved His Pet Tortoise With a Crowdfunded Penis Amputation

    What do you think the backer rewards are on something like that? Never mind. I don't want to know.

    A crowdfunded penis amputation might sound like the result of some kind of post-apocalyptic torture voting system, but for Cedric the tortoise, it is his ticket to a long, healthy life. You see, Cedric suffers from a giant penis, and his human owner had no choice but to turn to the Internet to save his dear, too-well-endowed friend's life.

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  2. Tortoise Practices Using Lego Wheel Prosthetic Limb, Hare Won’t Know What Hit It [Video]

    We sure hope he gets used to it in time for his race with Bugs Bunny.

    An extremely kind and inventive vet took in a tortoise with a missing leg and outfitted it with a Lego wheel to help it get around. Either that, or tortoises are more technologically advanced than we realized, and we should be on the look out for specialized cyborg-tortoises trying to take over the world (or at least beat a hare in a race.)

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  3. World-Class Pianist Brought in to Romance Tortoises [Video]

    The London Zoo has a 70-year-old giant tortoise named Dirk. He even has three much younger tortoise lady friends. Their species is endangered, so it's probably best for everyone, particularly Dirk, if they get to mating. To set the mood and get the tortoises in the Valentine's Day spirit, the zoo brought in world-class musician Richard Clayderman to play a romantic private concert for the animals. It's good to be Dirk.

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  4. Tortoise Eats The Heck Outta This Salad, Mercifully Time Lapsed [Video]

    Proving that you can make anything interesting by time lapsing it and slapping some cliche dramatic music on top, Matthew Hoyos' video of a tortoise eating fruits and veggies is a real treat. At this speed, that tortoise is a terrifying eating machine with a vegetarian diet. As fun as the video is, I ache to know how long it took the tortoise to get through his meal in regular time.

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  5. This Turtle Sure Has a Hard Time Eating a Tomato [Video]

    Sometimes you just have a rough day. That's something Kevin, a baby sulcata tortoise, can attest to; one of his rough days was caught on film. As you can see, he doesn't have the best depth perception and he really, really wants a bite of that tomato, but can't quite pull it off. Lucky for him, the tomato isn't savvy enough to run away and the lady holding it really just wants Kevin to succeed. Next time you feel like you just can't do anything right, remember to tell yourself, "At least I can eat a tomato."

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