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Essay

What Makes A Gamer, and Why I’m Still Proud To Be One

by Becky Chambers | 12:30 pm, August 10th, 2012


Back in my World of Warcraft days, a stranger approached me as I sorted my inventory at the bank. He sent me a private message, asking if I was really a girl (my avatar was female). I said yes. He asked if I had a boyfriend. I said no. He told me to send him a picture of myself. Again, I said no. He said he thought I’d look good naked. I told him to go away before I reported him. The stranger called me a bitch, told me he knew where I lived, and threatened to cut my throat. I blocked and reported him, but I did not feel better for doing so. I’d gotten flak for my gender before, but this was the first time it had been violent. I sat there, in my home, in my pajamas, feeling afraid. Stories like this have been at the root of many headlines of late, but this particular tale doesn’t end there. 

Minutes after the encounter happened, I told one of my guildmates about it. I felt awkward bringing it up, but I didn’t want to be alone right then. My friend dropped everything he was doing and offered to come knock out a few quests with me. I hadn’t said much about how I was feeling, but he understood just from hearing what had happened that I was in need of some friendly companionship. A few other guildies joined us later on — all men, it should be said — and we had a really good time. The unsettled feeling went away. I knew I was part of a group that had my back. They gave me a safe place to play.

In-game harassment has been firmly in the spotlight this summer — they’re talking about it in the New York Times and at NPR, for goodness’ sake — and there’s a specific reaction to it that I’ve seen expressed in dozens of comment threads and forum posts. A lot of people (mostly men, it seems) have said that this sort of behavior makes them ashamed to be gamers, or that they want to stop calling themselves gamers altogether. A friend of mine — a man I met through a game, and who I have continued to be friends with thanks to multiplayer games — echoed this same sentiment last week. Though it’s encouraging to see that so many people won’t stand for harassment in any form, I don’t think that separating ourselves from the community as a whole is the answer.

On some level, it doesn’t matter at all what label you give yourself. I don’t care if you call yourself a gamer, or a fan, an enthusiast, or whatever. What concerns me is not the label itself, but the underlying implication that the community behind that label is not one that people want to be associated with. This then further implies the bullying and harassment we’re witnessing is the gold standard for how gamers are supposed to behave. Yes, the guy who threatened me in WoW was a gamer, but so, too, were the guys who supported me afterward (and so am I, for that matter). The only commonality any of them had was their hobby. Their respective actions were markers of personal character, not of the pastime they all shared.

To be fair, there are a few assumptions I will make about you if you tell me you’re a gamer. First, I will assume that you get excited about games, and that you will be happy to talk about them with me. I will also assume that there is at least one game that we both like very much. We will then be able to converse about this game, probably at length and with great enthusiasm. If by some rare occurrence we haven’t played any of the same games, then we’ll each recommend some of our favorites to the other. If we both play a specific multiplayer game, or at least play on the same platform, and if we’re getting along really well, we’ll probably exchange usernames. If the exchange doesn’t progress that far or if we don’t hit it off, we’ll have enjoyed sharing some geeky pleasantries with a kindred spirit.

And that’s it.

The bad behavior of a few does not define us all. Harassment does exist in gamer culture, but it is not what it is built upon. We’ve all heard the excuse that games are the one place where using slurs or harassing women is “okay,” but as MovieBob put it a few months back, that has never been okay, anywhere. What those people are really saying is that online gaming is one of the few places left where they can usually get away with that behavior (though as we’re seeing now, that’s beginning to change). And as for those who say that sexist remarks are an intrinsic part of gamer culture — it’s simply not true. That’s not what’s at the heart of the culture I know, and it’s not the culture I’m proud to be part of. The gamer guys I know and have known largely do not fit that bill, and I refuse to accept the idea that all gamers, by default, are characterized by one pocket of unpleasant people.

The reason we have these people in our community is the same reason you can find people like them in every community. Gamer culture is just one small slice of humanity, and that means you can find plenty of jerks among us. But I don’t think for a minute that these people make up the majority of who we are. It’s prevalent, no doubt, and is widespread enough that it needs to be taken very seriously, both by our community and by the gaming industry. Not only is harassment harmful and frightening, but it’s dissuading people — both men and women — from playing online at all (and if the industry doesn’t care about that from a compassionate standpoint, then surely they can at least see how that’s bad for business). That said, I have a hard time believing there are more people who act like this than don’t. I really do think the bullies benefit from being loud and outrageous. There’s nothing newsworthy about a group of folks all sitting down and playing nicely together. The tricky thing is that many (I’m inclined to say most) well-behaved gamers tend to ignore public chat, turn it off entirely, or choose to play on private servers. Good behavior just isn’t as visible.

To say gamer culture breeds hostility is getting it backwards. Prejudice and cruelty are present everywhere, and the people who are fueled by these things benefit from the lack of consequences inherent in online anonymity. In the specific case of harassment against women, I do think that the frequency of negative or stereotypical depictions of women within games further stokes the fire, but at the same time, there are plenty of men who can play those games — religiously, at that — and still treat the women they play with respectfully. Saying the hobby on its own is to blame negates the personal responsibility that people have for their actions.

As far as I’m concerned, here’s what being a gamer means: It means you love games. Casual, hardcore, somewhere in between, it doesn’t matter. If you love games, you’re a gamer. And as far as gamer culture goes…honestly, I’m not sure I can put into words how fantastic it is. We write songs, and make art, and laugh at weird jokes. We wear images from our favorite games on our clothes, or even on our skin. Our conversations are peppered with quotes and memes and acronyms that were never meant to be spoken aloud. We wax poetic in our nostalgia for games of the past, and we whip ourselves into frenzies over new titles to come. We debate for hours over which game was the best of a series or which class is best to play. We help each other out, sharing loot and strategies. We find ways to meet the people we play with online out in the real world. We goof around. Incessantly. And sometimes, when life gets rough, we draw strength from games, both from the characters in them and from the people we play with.

While we need to shed light on the issues that harm our community, we also can’t forget why we’re all here in the first place. We’re here because we play games, and because we like to play them together. I am proud to be a gamer. I love the medium, I love the culture, and I love the people who share these loves with me. Our community is going through a lot of soul-searching and growing pains right now, but that’s the only way for us to mature. For those of us who grew up alongside games, seeing this community arise is a truly awesome thing. Depressing as our dark side is, I’m excited to be part of a group that is ushering in a new way for people to connect with one another, to tell stories and share adventures. I won’t let that experience be written for me by one group of people acting hatefully.

Becky Chambers is a freelance writer and a full-time geek. She blogs over at Other Scribbles and can always be found on Twitter.

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  • http://twitter.com/onegirlgeek Jennifer

    Well said, Becky. Awesome article, and as a gamer, I agree with you 100%. 

  • http://profiles.google.com/kitfoxtrot Christopher LaHaise

    As one gamer  to another:  Spot on!

  • http://twitter.com/parishwhittaker David P. Whittaker

    Wonderful article.  But while I agree that hostility isn’t part of gaming culture, at the same time I worry that dismissive reactions to harassment can encourage it.  Everyone screams “don’t feed the trolls!” or shrugs and says “hey, it’s the internet.”  But it’s like when I catch my dog in the garbage can–  if I say nothing, she knows she can get away with it. 

  • http://profile.yahoo.com/5ZXIEGCAFZ4F7LBI6QTTN3YJCY Ashe

    This is a fantastic article. You really summed up the issue in a smart and elegant way; put the blame in the people, not the medium. Understand the root of the problem if you want to change it. *Remember why you’re here in the first place.*

    All important. And, like you said, things are changing. People are speaking out. Sexists and asshats are having a harder time getting away with their behavior, or being taken seriously. Anita Sarkeesian and her wildly successful Kickstarter campaign. FemShep getting her own game cover. That beautiful ‘fuck you’ letter from the DragonAge II co-writer to the whiny fanmail. Etc. 

    I want to study game design (alongside film) and I won’t lie, I’m nervous as hell about being on the receiving end of this behavior. But it’s the good people and the craft that keep me going. Hate and entitlement don’t hold a candle to love, passion and support. 

  • Anonymous

    Just out of curiosity, did they catch the WoW asshole?

  • http://otherscribbles.com Becky Chambers

    I was contacted by a GM and told that the player was being dealt with (or something to that effect). I wasn’t given details, but I didn’t need them. Based on Blizzard’s harassment policy, I’m assuming his account was suspended.

    As for the guildie who had my back, we’re still good friends.

  • Anonymous

    Great. I love stories with happy endings.

  • http://twitter.com/Zenjack Jack

    Awesome article and I agree one hundred percent!  That said, I used to ignore the trolls online by muting them before matches began.  My wife and I play Call of Duty so you can imagine there are a lot of foul mouth people in the lobbies.  The problem with ignoring them is that they don’t just go away.  If there are no consequences for their actions they won’t change.  What we should be doing is reporting their bad behavior.  This option exists for a reason and if we police our own then the idea that this is not acceptable might start to prevail.  

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=679387652 Romany Grant

    Thank you! Well-written and articulate. I can’t think of any female online gamer, including myself, that hasn’t been hassled at least once. But you’re right, this is such a small percentage of gaming interaction. Unfortunately, it leaves a deep impression. I know I’ve become much more cautious because of it.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=605077465 Kat Golik

    Word.
    Thank you for making my day!

    My fave part:(now status on the old FB)
    “As
    far as I’m concerned, here’s what being a gamer means: It means you
    love games. Casual, hardcore, somewhere in between, it doesn’t matter.
    If you love games, you’re a gamer. And as far as gamer culture
    goes…honestly, I’m not sure I can put into words how fantastic it is. We
    write songs, and make art, and laugh at weird jokes. We wear images
    from our favorite games on our clothes, or even on our skin. Our
    conversations are peppered with quotes and memes and acronyms that were
    never meant to be spoken aloud. We wax poetic in our nostalgia for games
    of the past, and we whip ourselves into frenzies over new titles to
    come. We debate for hours over which game was the best of a series or
    which class is best to play. We help each other out, sharing loot and
    strategies. We find ways to meet the people we play with online out in
    the real world. We goof around. Incessantly. And sometimes, when life
    gets rough, we draw strength from games, both from the characters in
    them and from the people we play with.”
     gamer. And as far as gamer culture
    goes…honestly, I’m not sure I can put into words how fantastic it is. We
    write songs, and make art, and laugh at weird jokes. We wear images
    from our favorite games on our clothes, or even on our skin. Our
    conversations are peppered with quotes and memes and acronyms that were
    never meant to be spoken aloud. We wax poetic in our nostalgia for games
    of the past, and we whip ourselves into frenzies over new titles to
    come. We debate for hours over which game was the best of a series or
    which class is best to play. We help each other out, sharing loot and
    strategies. We find ways to meet the people we play with online out in
    the real world. We goof around. Incessantly. And sometimes, when life
    gets rough, we draw strength from games, both from the characters in
    them and from the people we play with.”

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100002045791893 Krystal Henderson

    This article is amazing and I’m now going to share it with all my gamer friends.

  • http://twitter.com/ShaneyahG Shaneyah Galley

    There is a huge difference between friendly teasing and acceptable trash-talking, and this kind of harassment and verbal abuse. Kudos to Becky for reminding us that we should focus on what we have in common to keep games enjoyable and inclusive. I hope a lot of people read this article and remember that there’s always a person behind the avatar.

  • Anonymous

    Hmm. You must have never pvp’d in WoW. (Where, like most every other
    female, you healed raids as a druid or a priest and just loved organizing
    your inventory.)

    I too am a girl gamer and I pvp in WoW- a
    distinction I think is warranted because pvpers have experience with
    in-game shennanigans that force you to toughen up or quit – and I guess
    I’m the only reader to not applaud this piece. Your response to the
    troll strikes me as overreactive. Those kids are the exception and
    frankly you know what to expect the instant they ask about your gender.
    Unlike irl, these people never have to know you are female in your pj’s.
    Why respond at all?  The only people in WoW banks are bored and either OCD organizing inventory or buying gold.  Someone striking up conversation isn’t doing it because they’re trying to get a feel for whether you’d make a great raid healer. Ultimately there’s no reason anyone ever needs to know your gender for the purpose of playing that game. 

    I’ve found that in WoW this kind of behavior seems to ebb and flow with the average age and seriousness of the server.  (Yes, some servers take themselves very, very seriously.)  Horde tends to be older players.  You won’t see as much of that there.  New servers and Ally tend to be young.  On Draka Alliance you’ll run into this behavior consistently.  On Darkspear nobody knows your gender until you get on Skype with them, and even then they just don’t care.  They are there to arena with you, not find out what your likes and dislikes are and whether you’re playing in your jammies. 

    It’s ambitious to aspire to herd the bad behavior
    of trolls, but it’s more realistic to nip the bud in the real world where the
    misogyny begins.  This means parents must take an active role in their children’s lives rather than paying Blizz $15/month for a babysitter.  It means schools having a zero tolerance for abuse based on gender, sexuality, race.  (Speaking of which, in my opinion the homophobia and racism in wow is far more common than any comment begging a girl irl to surrender some pics.)

    Maybe it’s hard for me to be really worked up and offended about this because I’ve been raped in real life and by comparison what happens in WoW doesn’t even compare.  There are worse things than an unsupervised child hurling empty threats at you. To me it’s more important to be invested in shaping children in a responsible manner so it never occurs to them to behave so badly – even behind the veil of anonymity. And while many of you think not feeding the trolls isn’t enough, you must have never watched young children.  I was a nanny.  Trust me:  ignoring harmless behavior meant to manipulate adults into a response – even a negative response – is an amazing deterrent. 

  • http://www.trredskies.com/ Doone Woodtac

     I hope he was suspended, but I really dont trust any system of justice that can’t tell the victims how it was served. Personal account information and gritty details aren’t necessary but a, “thank you for reporting this, the avatar was suspended per our policy” or something like this. I fear that they do nothing. When theres money involved, there is no ethics.

    On the article …everyone else has said it best. Well done and thanks for putting this out there. Hopefully it wakens people into action cleaning up our little community.

  • Felicity Austin

    I am so sorry to hear that you were raped, however I think your dismissiveness is a little rough on those who find harassment triggering. People deal with things differently, and if you’ve found a way to deal it is excellent. Not everyone can, though.

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