Ever been stuck on the phone with an automated message system and thought, “This would be so hot if only this robot voice would ask me about my penis?” Then do we have the product for you! Déjàmor, a company that primarily sells monthly romance box subscriptions, has decided to expand into the “aural pleasure” zone with a service that lets you record Chose Your Own Adventure-style phone sex recordings for your partner to play later. Considering how awkward phone sex can get, removing some of the human element from it might actually be a good idea. That way, you can both feel crippled by embarrassment at a completely safe distance from one another.
This message service, which Déjàmor calls Sexy Tales — presumably because listening to your loved ones categorically tell you which numbers to press is about as romantic as an episode of Veggie Tales — allows you to record up to 10 messages to create a multi-path “story” that your partner can access by calling a special phone number.
Not sure how to talk dirty to your phone receiver? Déjàmor also provides you with three potential scripts — one “male” and two “female.” There are no pre-built scripts for non-heterosexual couples, which you might construe as discriminatory if you haven’t actually read the scripts. Once you have, though, you can probably agree that the straight couples have it much worse off because oh boy is this dialogue weird:
Hey gorgeous. Guess who this is? I am going to do my best to arouse you. That shouldn’t be too hard. Picture this: Me, taking my clothes off, piece by piece. Press 1 if you want me to strip you and kiss your body, press 2 if you want me to rub your body with scented oils.
Yeah, it gets more hilarious from there. For example, the male script calls for the speakers to say “OMG!” out loud, and one of the female scripts uses the phrase “Cream Cycle” instead of “Creamsicle.” We’re gonna leave that out of context for you, but I think you can probably figure out to what it’s referring. Ick.
According to the Déjàmor website, all you need to do is call 646-783-3397 to start recording your own message. I’m a little disappointed that there’s no option for “touch my knees-butt” a la Jenna Maroney from 30 Rock, but Déjàmor provides a build-your-own script template just in case you’d like to personalize the recordings for your, erm, particular quirks. Freaky-deakies need love, too, after all. Freaky-deakies need love, too.
(via TechCrunch, image via Darwin Bell)
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