In celebration of the impending destruction of the Earth because some Mayan dude couldn’t be bothered to extend his calendar a little further, Wired has reintroduced Tinfoil Hat Tuesdays to celebrate the best conspiracy theorists have to offer. Today’s is a real gem. I’d write my own lede, but I think it’s best to let the source speak for itself. Let me assure you, it is pure gold. From Exopolitics:
Two former participants in the CIA’s Mars visitation program of the early 1980’s have confirmed that U.S. President Barack H. Obama was enrolled in their Mars training class in 1980 and was among the young Americans from the program who they later encountered on the Martian surface after reaching Mars via “jump room.”
Emphasis ours, to help note when your eyes should jump out of your head.
The claim comes from two sources, and thus apparently qualifies as corroborated. First is Andrew D. Basiago, who has a rather impressive résumé which includes time working on DARPA’s time travel program. It was there that he met another chrononaut, William B. Stillings, who was also recruited for the U.S.’s secret Mars missions. It was during a three week training course for these missions in 1980 that Basiago and Stillings say they first met President Obama — then trading under the name Barry Soetoro. The pair say that the conference was held at The College of the Siskiyous by Major Ed Dames.
Now in order to reach Mars, the secret team didn’t rely on clumsy rockets — despite the billions NASA spent developing the Space Shuttle at the time. Instead, they took advantage of a “jump room;” apparently some kind of teleportation device. The Mars jump room used by Basiago, Stillings, and the future President is conveniently located near the Los Angeles International Airport at 999 N. Sepulveda Boulevard in a Hughes Aircraft hanger.
Okay, so, Barack Obama once served his country with some chrononaut on Mars. What’s so weird about that? Well, apparently the missions to Mars were not only intended to enforce the American claim to the red planet but, and this is important:
“…their mission was to acclimate Martian humanoids and animals to their presence or, as Major Dames stated during their training near Mt. Shasta in 1980: “Simply put, your task is to be seen and not eaten.”
Right, so Obama wrangled Mars lions and highfived aliens, possibly while traveling through time. Frankly, this just makes the man more electable in my eyes — what other candidate could possibly beat that kind of track record? Think of the campaign slogans: “OBAMA: Good for America, Kicking Ass on Mars.”
In a stunning act of logic, the writers at Exopolitics comment that they believe the “controversy” over Obama’s birth certificate is, in fact, an elaborate rouse to distract attention away from his Martian past.
As with all really good conspiracy theories, what’s great about this one isn’t that they are making audacious claims. Rather, it’s the casualness with which these claims are introduced, and how they are stretched to mesh with other crackpot stories. For instance, the article takes the existence of a manned U.S. presence on Mars complete for rote. It says:
Mr. Basiago and Mr. Stillings agree that Major Dames stated during their training class at The College of the Siskiyous in 1980: “Of the 97,000 individuals that we have thus far sent to Mars, only 7,000 have survived there after five years.”
Oh, and Obama’s DARPA director appointment Regina Dugan was also part of the all-teen Mars exploring team. And the President’s mother was a CIA agent. That’s about it.
What does the White House have to say about this? Well, according to Wired:
Officially, the White House says Obama never went to Mars. “Only if you count watching Marvin the Martian,” Tommy Vietor, the spokesman for the National Security Council, tells Danger Room.
The truth is out there!
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