10 Worst Case Casting Scenarios

NOBODY TOUCHES THE LABYRINTH!  That is all.

I’d maybe allow for a digital remastering/tidy up of David Bowie’s teeth. BUT THATS IT.

Even though none of this is true, a little part of me has died inside.

“whitewashed Spike would be played by Keanu Reeves” …um, at least Reeves is part asian. Sure, he’s no Takeshi Kaneshiro, but that’s closer than hollywood usually  gets.

Zooey Deschanel, you stay AWAY from my Last Unicorn!

(If that ever does happen, I want James McAvoy as Schmendrick.)

Um, I’m not sure the term “white-washing” is really applicable to Cowboy Bebop… It may be a Japanese production, but Jet and Spike are both most likely Caucasian. Even with a lack of clear evidence, there’s nothing to indicate they’re Asian, and their names most definitely aren’t. Faye is at least implied of to be FROM Asia, and I wouldn’t dare venture a guess about Ed.

The main problem with bits of comedy like this, things clearly said in jest, is some flannelhead in Hollywood will read it, or more like just hear about it and it’ll become, “You know, there’s buzz about Jennifer Lopez in Portal”

I think we do have our Chell.  She just made her debut a few weeks ago, and has already been featured in a couple articles here.  And I don’t even want to use her  name for fear of putting the curse to it.

Oh I am in physical pain now…thank you LOL

Huh. I totally thought Jet was a black guy this whole time. Maybe because of his English voice actor?

 Well, his skin color is a rather confusing and unreal shade of grey, but yes, I would assume that he’s “white.”

I didn’t find this funny, I found it deeply deeply upsetting. Because you know they *would*.

I think if they actually did cast Ed, we’d wind up with a Ghost Writer hacker extraordinaire Julia Stiles, with no costume change at all.

Wow. Did you all have massive stomach cramps after this meeting?

The only reason I think “American Gods” will be good is because “Coraline” was good, and that’s because Neil Gaiman wrote it. If he ever did let someone do “Sandman”, my guess is it would be a BBC mini-series.

As soon as you said comedian, I knew it would be Dane Cook. He’s the only one egotistical enough to think he could hold a candle to Christopher Lloyd’s performance. 

Actually a few years ago when they were discussing a Bebop movie, Keanu was attached to play Spike. It was an actual thing.

The Last Unicorn live action film was actually in the works a few years ago. With Christopher Lee on board as Haggard. But it died on the drawing board.

OMG, I felt in my gut that you would try Cowboy Bebop, but I hadn’t expected it to be the first one. And you went there with Faye ValenEd. Oh, the pain. The pain!

I do agree with you on this one. There’s nothing particularly Asian about the last names Spiegel and Black.

I did feel an overall illness at the suggestion that Ed and Faye would be merged, though, mostly because Hollywood can totally do that–because they can. Makes me want to scream. What, no aspiring 12 year old kid gunning for a cool character like Ed’s?

I’m surprised you didn’t put Akira on here, but that may be actually happening so perhaps that’s too close to the bone. If that movie happens I will never watch another Hollywood flick again, I swear

I feel like a Who Framed Roger Rabbit sequel could also work if they were pitting the old 2D toons against the new 3D computer animated ones. Perhaps someone has framed Roger for a hate crime against a CG toon in order to increase animosity between then. Maybe in the end it turns out that it’s someone wanting to do a CG remake of Roger himself, just trying to get him out of the picture. And there would have to be a scene where Cartman and Jimmy Neutron talk smack. I see Jason Segel being somehow involved.

Oh god don’t remind me of the Kean-fakespike that almost was…. *shudders* Though I disagree that Spike’s non-emotive. He’s more muted in emotion and calm but when he needed to be he could be bat-shit crazy.

Regarding Back to the Future:

I firmly believe this is going to happen. 2015 isn’t that far off, and BttF has been conspicuously building itself as a brand over the past couple of years; New collector’s toys have been introduced (including the Mattel hoverboard), a short-rerelease in theaters to coincide wiith the blu-ray release, a best-selling iOS video game franchise, and Christopher Lloyd has been making appearances as Doc Brown EVERYWHERE.

Fox himself said that IF BttF 4 were to happen, he’d like to portray Marty as a mentor to whomever picks up the keys to the Delorean next. We already know that Lloyd has no problem throwing on the lab coat once again. And Zemeckis needs a live-action movie to pull his reputation out of the motion-capture gutter.

So, yeah, rest assured that we will have a Back to the Future 4 by October 12, 2015. 

But if you want some blood-curdling casting ideas, how about Lucas Cruikshank, creator of the abomination known as FRED. Right age. Right body type. Passing resemblance to Fox. And his star is rising.

Suck on THAT, Internet.

Nah, Megan Fox should totally be Ferris Bueller’s dad.

Seriously? That would have been cool

I think I’m going to be sick.

Now I totally want to see Andy Serkis playing a companion cube.

And Christopher Walken would make an awesome Haggard.  Though possibly even better as the voice of the drunk skeleton.

this list with all this words of smelly Hollywood garbage is gonna make me puke. this is the most degenerate and sick collection of what if .. i ever read. BURN IN HELL 

If Hollywood touches the labyrinth I’m going to Hollywood and burning it to the ground

I’m going to be a little pedantic here and mention that none of the currently existing Discworld adaptations were made by, or ever aired on, the BBC. The animated adaptations were on Channel 4, and the live-action productions were by Sky1.

Now that I’ve read this list I am utterly horrified to think that one day I might turn around and hear Miley Cyrus absolutely butchering As the World Falls Down. Don’t Touch Labyrinth, Hollywood, please! It’s too beautiful for you people to crush! 

And on the Last Unicorn. As this is my favorite animated film, even thinking of a remake makes me want to hide under my covers. It’s just too scary! The only person I could really see pulling off Lady Amalthea/The Unicorn would be Evanna Lynch, because she was so dreamy and seemed to just float by as Luna Lovegood. There’s a word for how Luna’s similar to The Unicorn, but I can’t see to remember it. Either way, she seems to be a decent fit.  

“obviously a character as androgynous as Ed is never going to make it into a major mainstream Hollywood production, and so her character is going to have to be genderswapped to something more normative.”

Are you kidding? Skinny, androgynous, and young is how America likes its women these days. Kristen Stewart, Natalie Portman, Keira Knightly, Ellen Page, Emma Watson…

Molly and Schmendrick _are_ a couple, at least in the sequel short story…

How can you even think about remakes without discussing Neverending Story?  Of all the “classic” stories that we would not necessarily want to be made or re-made, this movie NEEDS to be remade.  It is dying to be remade  It would be SO much cooler today and Deep Roy could still play Teeny Weeny!  Because Deep Roy is awesome!

I’m not sure you understand what androgynous means. And while I have seen those actresses do androgyny (very, very light androgyny) in photoshoots, I’ve never really seen (save for maybe Knightley in Domino) any of them be anything but feminine in movies.

A Ferris Bueller remake would be an awful thing. But Robert Pattinson playing Charlie Sheen’s role isn’t a bad idea, it’s actually a perfect idea. Just don’t have him act exactly like he does in real life rather than he does in movies.

I know what it means literally, but Ed is just a very boyish girl, which is the colloquial, metaphorical meaning of androgynous.

I’m not sure how you think Natalie Portman in Leon, Kristen Stewart in Panic Room, or Ellen Page in Hard Candy are acting more feminine than Ed. I mean, what is it about Ed that you find so masculine? She’s the textbook definition of a Cloudcuckoolander http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/Cloudcuckoolander , which has a noted overlap with the Manic Pixie Dream Girl.

Candyman…
Candyman…

…

I’m pretty sure they’d take any opportunity available to dress Julia Stiles in a loose cut-off T-shirt and tight bike shorts.

I thought Halle Berry was okay for Storm. I mean, the character wasn’t very good, but that seemed like more of a script issue than a casting issue.

Who would you have cast?

Agreed.

That’s exactly what I was thinking. Also when asian countries  remake american movies they don’t cast all white people as long as the cast wasn’t all white it would have been fine. Not to mention Spike is martian anyway….

I always thougth he was black myself.

Ed came from south america didn’t she?

He’s very hands on when it comes to people adapting his work.

I would love to see Zooey Deschanel in a last unicorn adaptation I don’t know why so much hate on her.

Can’t believe there was no mention of the SNL skit on the casting of Back to the Future: http://www.hulu.com/watch/190390/saturday-night-live-back-to-the-future-screen-test-part-1.

Well, this is going to give me nightmares for a week.Although I had to laugh at the “no one’s actually watching the Oscars” line

At no point in reading this did I not want to put my head between my knees and hyperventilate until I passed out. Thanks.

Just hoping a lot of booze was involved in the creation of this article… That is the only clear explanation for what just happened. 

Granted she had like 1 line and I  accept that. My issue with her was how snarky she was about the fact she “HAD” to take this role as a superhero. She made no secret about how she felt it was beneath her.  Storm had such a wealth of story in her background but Berry never seemed to explore any of it, she just flogged the role. Yeah it wasn’t perfect but be mad that the Storm in the movie wasn’t the awesomeness Storm was in the comics. Don’t just slam it because it is a comic book role.

As for who I would have cast, Thandie Newton.

I don’t think there’s anything particularly androgynous about those actresses. Yes, they’ve all played a character in that style or sported it themselves at some point, but by and large, they’re known for pretty feminine characters. Skinny and young, yes. Androgynous? Not so much.

Small breasts, not curvy, strong jawlines, thick eyebrows, often short hair. That spells androgynous.

A http://cdn02.cdnwp.celebuzz.com/wp-content/uploads/legacy-imgx/3/0/4/0/8/3/1/orig-3040831.jpg
N http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-EGipbHkpKGs/TpfvRqmiN1I/AAAAAAAAAkc/fi9KXVUkjYc/s1600/2.jpg
D http://lh3.ggpht.com/-r2GJzIicYEQ/SuJjyhTOvxI/AAAAAAAAs58/FD4m1YrYG0c/very-short-haircuts-for-ladies-07.jpg
R http://e2de.com/data_images/emma-watson/emma-watson-03.jpg
O http://static.tvguide.com/MediaBin/Galleries/Celebrities/A_F/Ei_Ep/Ellen_Page/1/ellen-page5.jpg
G http://i2.listal.com/image/383388/500full.jpg
Y http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-f5wDyC0Gnek/Tqe5OzedlLI/AAAAAAAAAOg/Q1ek6dbHHXU/s1600/Keira-Knightley-25.jpg
NOUS! http://hotactressesonline.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/03/keira-knightley-cute.jpg

I mean dang, would nothing short of Jaye Davidson satisfy your parameters? Edward looks like this, remember? http://img-cache.cdn.gaiaonline.com/6282535626ef6173d8c46738d8d31c95/http://i80.photobucket.com/albums/j178/animerapeistXD/CowBoy%20Bebop/cb_ed0042.jpg

She’s not exactly Clive Owen, nahmean?

Jon Hamm continues to amaze me. By far the best impression out of the bunch.

Ed is not a manic pixie dream girl though at all.

Though her role in the story is not that of a male-protagonist-oriented object of desire, she displays the same aggressively quirky exuberance, immature naivete, and incongruous baseline competence that often appears in MPDGs. I’m not saying that makes her a bad character, simply that her personality is closely associated with a primarily female archetype.

Wow, this is a depressing list. I dont know though, maybe I’m in the minority but I wouldn’t mind Keanu as Spike, I mean he’s not my first choice but he’s clearly passionate about the source material and it’s him who’s been trying to get it moving. Aside from that Charlie Bartlett was like a spiritual successor to Ferris Buellers Day Off in my opinion, kinda wouldnt mind a remake of it.

Now that I think about it though Zac Effron does kinda have a Marty McFly kinda thing to him so you may not be off there

As far as I know there ARE plans for a live action The Last Unicorn.  But don’t worry, it won’t have Ke$ha.

Of course this was a long time ago.  Maybe the project got canned.

I think we’ve missed one really obvious one: are they really going to let a woman and a female-identified computer carry an action film? No way. Channing Tatum would play Chell. Kathy Griffiths can stay as Glados, and Rosie Huntingdon-Whitely will play the damsel in distress for the hero to rescue in a manly fashion who probably doesn’t even have a name. 

Faye is implied to be from Singapore based on footage in her video, though people of just about any ethnicity and combination thereof can be from Singapore. The self-styled Edward Wong Hau Pepulu Tivrusky IV is Françoise Appledehli and her father is Appledehli Siniz Hesap Lütfen (“Excuse me, cheque please” in Turkish per wiki); they aren’t given a place of origin save Earth. 

*hisses* Get this down before Hollywood sees it! They WILL think it’s a good idea. Seriously though, if they so much as breathe on a Discworld script, I’ll tear my hair out. The beauty and true genius of Pratchett’s work is not the plot – it’s the cleverness he puts in what he writes that can’t be shown on a screen. It has to be read.

I don’t think I’ve ever pulled so many faces reading an article, like I’m being punched in the gut and crying out “Ow, my childhood!” two or three times every page.  I have to admit, though, that I can’t stop thinking about multiple-casting Dream like they did Bob Dylan in I’m Not There or Tony in Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus.  

So there you are, dream would be best played by Bob Dylan or Heath Ledger

GAH! Why mess with perfection? Sheen is all smoldering, strung-out intensity. 

Gads, that was painful…but not so painful considering Red Dawn and Footloose have ALREADY been remade, both of which I have steadfastly refused to see on ethical grounds, especially now that there’s talk of another Top Gun…

If we are talking wcs I was thinking Zack Braff as Schmendrick.

Soul … poisoned by evil overdose…must….kill….kittens no

What is so recursive as to be ludicrous is that if Sir Terry Pratchett actually did Rincewind: The Teen Years, he would successfully come out with a wonderfully funny book that’s a parody of an overdone comedy shtick. Only it might not be YA suitable. Have you noticed no teen in Hollywood ever gets a pimple? Pratchett would put the pimples in and it would actually be funny. Terry goes to life for his inspiration and has been known to take a stupid idea and turn it inside out treating it, well, Pratchettly.

JEFF GOLDBLUM!

The only problem is, CG animated characters didn’t appear until 40 years after the original movie took place. So Eddie Valiant would now be ancient or dead. Despite his eponymous status, Roger can’t carry the movie without Bob Hoskins.

And if Eric Cartman comes anywhere near it, I will fucking shoot someone. If you want cross-genre cartoon banter, watch Drawn Together.

It’s utterly sinful and makes my heart hurt :’(

My heart puked at the Last Unicorn remake. I actually got mad at Hollywood.

“The new Roger character is played by Charlie Sheen. And he is a womanizing, drug-addicted anthropomorphic teddy bear (a naughty Care Bear, if you will) who once famously entertained children — until he was caught with a prostitute.”

Uhm, has anyone seen the trailer for Ted?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9fbo_pQvU7M

None of the ideas bothered me because they are just that, ideas. I was pretty irritated by the article though right around labyrinth and I stopped reading after ferris buellers day off because the ideas were clearly being exaggerated for comedic effect with only one actor listed in the entire production being even remotely believable. zach galifinakis as a partly cgi baby in labyrinth cmon. This could have been an interesting article. Brand replacing bowie seems like legit hollywood bs, even bieber as bueller but most of this went way off the chart trying to get a rise out of readers and instead of being an interesting and witty conversation starter it became lazy, mass market, guilty pleasure entertainment piece just like the reboots you are griping about in the first place.