Dear Overwatch 2, tell me a story.
Make it exciting. Make it have magic and mystery and love. Make it romantic. Make it horrifying. Give me cannibalism. Give me slash fanfiction moments between all the characters. Even the hamster. Especially the hamster. I want to see it all. I want it to be filthy and beautiful like the best kind of lovemaking.
I want it to become the Next Great American Novel. I want F. Scott Fitzgerald, Herman Melville, William Faulkner, and Ernest Hemmingway to roll in their graves and let their restless spirits be ashamed they even attempted to create a lasting work of fiction. And I want to be able to play it the very second that the game releases on October 4. Can you do that for me? Pretty please with a big, fat, sweaty maraschino cherry on top?
“No”? What do you mean “no”?
Overwatch 2, there must be some mistake. Some silly little misunderstanding correct? You’re releasing the game on October 4, but do you mean to tell me that you’re actually only releasing some of the game? Is that actually what you’re saying here? Because what it sounds like you’re saying is that you’re only releasing the competitive multiplayer elements of the game, but the story mode, magnum opus work of transcendence that my ghostly heart yearns for, is actually going to be released at a later date? Okay then, when is that date?
You don’t know …?
I see … well then, I’ll just have to write my own story. One where Soldier 76 confesses his undying love to Hammond the Hamster and they do it on filthy streets of Junkertown for God and everyone to see. I hope you’re happy. I know the Soldier 76 x Hammond stans will be.
(featured image: Blizzard)
