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This Just In: Asgardian Party Boy Commits the Most Egregious Crime of All Time in What If…? Episode 7

You had one job, Thor

Party Thor

Spoilers for What If…? Episode 7

Have you ever wondered what would happen if Thor were an only child? Honestly, I hadn’t given it much thought in the past, but the answer is, “Loki would be living his best life and Thor would also be living his best life… at the expense of other planets.”

It’s not like Thor intentionally goes to places just to wreck them. Like many great party dudes before him, Thor has no idea the damage he’s causing when he’s getting completely shitfaced with his galactic friends (except for when he knocks over Stonehenge, that was intentional). He’s also not the kind of party host who keeps his friends in check, so yeah, some Frost Giants are gonna turn that iconic arch in St. Louis into their own personal slingshot.

It’s obvious that Thor has to be stopped, preferably in a way that doesn’t cause an even bigger mess. That, ideally, means no nuclear weapons, and no cosmic Captain Marvel punches that could destroy North or South Dakota. Fortunately, Jane Foster has a solution, courtesy of Darcy Lewis (or Darcy… Duck?), and manages to take Thor down without causing further harm to Midgard – or Earth, as we call it.


Jane calls Thor’s mom.


This is such a power move that even Captain Marvel puts Thor in her thoughts and prayers.

Thor’s party buds also shudder at the mention of Frigga’s name, maybe because they’ve seen what happens when she’s really mad, or maybe they know from personal experience that the only thing worse than throwing a party when mom told you not to is forgetting to defrost the chicken while she’s at work.


While this is an absolutely hilarious solution to the problem, I realized that poor Frigga had to cut brunch with the girls short because her son couldn’t sit his ass down somewhere while she was out. Like. Did she even get to have the eggs benedict before she left? It’s already bad enough to interrupt a woman in the middle of what I’m assuming is god-level chardonnay, but when Frigga leaves, she tells her friends, “See you in another thousand years.”


Does this mean Frigga only gets to hang out with her girls during the Odinsleep?!

And the last time she got to do this was a thousand years ago?!?!

Thor? You are the absolute WORST!

All Frigga needed him to do was behave. That’s it. Arguably, if he knew how to keep his parties at a level that didn’t require a brawl against Captain Marvel, things would’ve been fine. And really, that shouldn’t be all that difficult to do! How do you party so hard in LAS VEGAS that it garners the attention of S.H.I.E.L.D. of all organizations?

But no. He just had to let Grandmaster release the foam.

Real talk, though. While the Vegas party was over the top, it’s the global antics that were really a cause for concern. If you could’ve just let what happened in Vegas stay in Vegas maybe things would’ve ended differently. After all, Frigga practically had her bags packed for when Odin went down for his nap, I’m sure she’d be pretty chill about Thor leaving if his parties weren’t so chaotic.

You can’t just let Surtur flirt with the Statue of Liberty then limbo to the point of knocking out power in an entire country, you know?

While everyone on Earth should be thankful for Frigga putting the fear of the goddess in her son, I may never forgive Thor for robbing her of her 1000 year Girls Trip.

(Image: Marvel Studios)

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Briana (she/her - bisexual) is trying her best to cosplay as a responsible adult. Her writing tends to focus on the importance of representation, whether it’s through her multiple book series or the pieces she writes. After de-transforming from her magical girl state, she indulges in an ever-growing pile of manga, marathons too much anime, and dedicates an embarrassing amount of time to her Animal Crossing pumpkin patch (it's Halloween forever, deal with it Nook)