Episode four starts by taking us right into the thick of things. Last night there was a PTA meeting that ended in bloodshed because a portal in space and time suddenly opened and released a bunch of deadly pteranodons. They mainly attacked women with glasses, which makes me think of Far Side comics. Did you ever notice how Gary Larson drew every kind of female character with glasses? Does anyone remember Far Side? Moving on…
Being in Night Vale, of course Cecil is easily able to talk about how it took an hour to corral the dinosaurs then transition to the nature of the interrupted PTA meeting. Parents argued about lunches getting more expensive and some moms snipped at each other about whether or not their children were overweight. No one was injured, but the building will be expensive to repair.
Right now it’s election season in Night Vale, which apparently means numerous citizens are being held hostage to ensure that everyone else will vote for the right candidates. This process is so institutionalized that the “undisclosed location” where the hostages are held is widely known to be an abandoned mine shaft outside of town. It also sounds pretty luxurious, as everyone gets king-sized beds, HBO, and free Wi-Fi. I like the idea that Night Vale’s government is cruel and totalitarian, but they still insist on having elections. This is America, after all.
Or, as Cecil puts it: “Remember, this is America. Vote correctly, or never see your loved ones again.”
The Night Vale Daily Journal is facing more financial problems. Last episode they decided to run issues only Monday through Thursday and now they’ve started running “platinum premium” ads on their front page. (The first such ad features “the terrified face of an infant primate with a superimposed spoon that has been stone-sharpened to a rough point, and the tagline ‘Better use Tide.’” Editor Leann Hart has also laid off all of the paper’s writers and is looking for citizens to start writing their own news stories.
At first I thought this on-going issue was a joke about the way newspapers have been struggling to stay in business these days, but apparently Hart isn’t exactly an ethical journalist. Even if she does insist that the explosion that destroyed the Journal’s distribution plant was just an accident.
Getting back to the disastrous PTA meeting, it seems that the danger there is not over. The portal to the past is still open and at least one pteranodon is still on the loose. Also, several on-lookers were curious about the portal and stuck their heads inside.
Here’s a general tip: try not to be curious in Night Vale. Bad things will happen to you.
The people in the portal soon realized they’d made a terrible mistake. In the course of a few seconds, they aged thousands of years yet remained alive. Now they are both incredibly wizened and completely insane.
Cecil promises us more coverage of “Pteranodon Attack-Gate” and moves on to a message from the City Council. The Council wants to know if anyone has been seeing auras around a very specific list of household items. If so, we have to report in for indefinite detention. I’m a little curious as to how seriously Night Vale citizens take these messages. Do they all report in? Are they smart enough to hide and pretend they haven’t seen anything? Will the Council just find them anyway? It’s a little hard to tell just how smart anyone is in Night Vale.
The City Council also recently voted to remove the enormous, lead door from the far end of Radon Canyon. The door is covered in warnings about plutonium and death. Night Vale citizens are calling it an eyesore, a safety hazard, and a hacky sci-fi cliché. Old Woman Josie was concerned it would give people lead poisoning.
The only person to object to the measure was Carlos, though he might have just been distressed about something else. He was recorded saying only “There is no time. No more time,” while looking at a mysterious device in his hands.
Now for Welcome to Night Vale’s first year or so I’ve always thought that Carlos comes across sort of like Night Vale’s Buffy. He seems to be the only one actively dealing with the city’s many problems and trying to save people’s lives. He’s regularly seen running around and full of panic about whatever is happening while everyone else (that is, Cecil) just sighs dreamily about his hair. This bit about there being no more time seems to fit into that, but it’s also part of the larger issue of time being weird in Night Vale (see the conspiracy tracker). Let’s just say Carlos is onto something pretty big here.
Back with the pteranodon story, Cecil offers a few corrections he’s just learned from the Sheriff’s Secret Police. Apparently the creatures that came out of the portal were actually pterodactyls and pteranodons aren’t even actually dinosaurs. Also, it turns out the current death toll from the pterodactyls isn’t zero. It’s more like thirty-eight. Whoops.
The next story is about the local high school football team, the Night Vale Scorpions. Everyone is excited about the upcoming football season, particularly Coach Nazr al-Mujaheed who wants to show off the new skills the team’s quarterback gained in the off-season. Michael Sandero was recently struck by a bolt of sentient lightning which gave him super strength, cured his cerebral palsy, and regrew the hand he lost for having overdue library books. Hopefully Sandero’s new skills will be enough help on the field for the Scorpions to beat their rival team in Desert Bluffs. (Desert Bluffs is awful.)
It’s time for a quick PSA about apartment etiquette, which gives us a cool little insight into what life in Night Vale is like for “regular” citizens. Cecil’s advice is a mix of typical stuff, put your trash in the trash bins and be quiet at night, and the more bizarre. He reminds everyone not to make anything ooze out of their walls or do any mad science late at night. Night Vale might be nuts, but that’s no reason it can’t be civilized.
Once the PSA is done, Cecil takes an opportunity for a very special interview. One of Night Vale’s famous hooded figures has been wordlessly standing in the studio for the whole day. Cecil brings over a microphone and begins to question the figure about how it’s doing, the recent expansions to the dog park, and if it has anything at all to say about the hooded figures in general. The figure’s only response is to emit an overwhelming static-y sound and then begin to levitate. Cecil wisely decides that he’d better not pursue the interview anymore and we go to the weather.
This episode’s weather is “Closer” by The Tiny.
When we get back we learn that the last pterodactyl has been found and returned to the portal it came from, making the portal seal up behind it. Specifically, the pterodactyl’s remains were found. It sounds like it got a little too close to the dog park. Its body was found just outside the dog park entrance without any flesh and with its organs turned inside-out and converted into a “meat crown”. This sort of crown is apparently traditional in Night Vale. They used to be worn by the religious leaders of the 1700s who founded the city. Once again, we are reminded that no one should go anywhere near, or even think about, the dog park.
Since the hooded figures presumably are the ones who did this to the pterodactyl, it raises some interesting questions. How long have the hooded figures been around? Did they have something to do with the founding of Night Vale? And did the hooded figure in Cecil’s office begin emitting static because it didn’t want to be questioned or was it somehow connected to the other figures, who knew their home was being invaded by a pterodactyl? Maybe, if we’re lucky, we’ll know someday.
To wrap things up, Cecil announces the rescheduled PTA meeting (where they will discuss if backpacks cause autism), a memorial service for those who died at the last meeting (which will include a raffle), and congratulates us all on surviving up to this point in time. Honestly, it does make me feel a little proud every time I hear it.
“Today’s proverb: What has four legs in the morning, two legs at noon, and three legs in the evening? I don’t know, but I trapped it in my bedroom. Send help.”
And here’s the Conspiracy Tracker!
- Angels are living with Old Woman Josie and the city council doesn’t like them.
- There’s a house that doesn’t exist.
- The Apache Tracker is investigating something evil at the post office.
- Time is weird in Night Vale and Carlos wants to figure it out.
- Cecil wants to be swallowed by a giant snake.
- There’s a city underneath the Desert Flower Bowling Alley and Arcade Fun Complex.
- Literal five-headed dragon and fugitive Hiram McDaniels is on the loose.
- Pets become perfect when you accept them…
- What the heck is the dog park?
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