Imagine you are watching Doctor Who, you hear a bunch of little goblins talking about the Goblin King, and your brain is instantly transported to one of your first childhood crushes: David Bowie.
You probably know why that was my instant thought, but the reality is that the one and only Goblin King of my heart is Jareth the Goblin King from Labyrinth. So when the Goblin King on Doctor Who revealed himself to be more of a space blob ready to eat the children of England to appease his appetite, I was a little less than excited—not to knock the perfect episode, just because I hear “Goblin King” and instantly start singing.
Sure, part of this is my own brain’s fault. I could have just assumed that Doctor Who wouldn’t also think to include a David Bowie-like Goblin King in their Christmas special, but instead of actually using logic, I had hope for a brief moment that I could be getting a joyous musical moment with a hot Goblin King. And look, I did get a musical number that did rule. It just wasn’t “Magic Dance” and it didn’t usher in decades of love between me and Bowie.
So sadly, I do have to say that the evil space blob of a Goblin King could have been more, and we could have seen a cool Goblin King for Ncuti Gatwa’s Doctor to face off against—one that would have been very fun for us all to see in the Doctor Who canon mainly because I just would have loved to see that kind of energy in the franchise.
That Goblin King was a space blob, he could have been a rock space god
The sea of goblins all collecting food for the Goblin King? Great. The song about the Goblin King? Fantastic! The Goblin King himself? Could have been hotter—not that I wasn’t attracted to the Goblin King we got; I could make it work. But the reality is that the king we got was no Jareth.
So who could have played this hot rockstar Goblin King, you ask? Who could have possibly gone up against our new hot Doctor? I say we could have had Harry Styles going against Ncuti Gatwa and that would have been an energy that would have worked beautifully for the vibe of Jareth-esque vs. the Doctor that would have brought in the Christmas spirit.
But if that wouldn’t have worked out, it could have been someone like even Michael C. Hall (who played a Bowie-esque role Off-Broadway in the David Bowie musical Lazarus) to just be the perfect Goblin King of the holiday season.
So I am sorry to the just okay Goblin King we ended up getting. Your blobby self was scary and fine for the purpose we had to have, but we could have had a hottie like a Jareth-esque Goblin King there to lead the Christmas goblins instead, and I’ll think about that for the rest of my days.
(featured image: Tri-Star Pictures)
