Did you know that each episode of ABC’s The Bachelor is roughly 2 hours long? That’s 2 hours of women going to war over what’s typically the sort of man you could find in the VIP section of Coachella. 2 long, excruciating hours of weeping after five-minute conversations, random trauma-dumping in order to secure a rose at the end of the night, and oh, Christ, all the wet kissing. You’d think they put the mics in the casts’ mouths, the way their kissing sounds. Yuck.
However, people like me end up migrating back to this franchise all the same for reasons I’ve already written about. At the end of the day, it’s just entertaining, and in a way it’s a relief to see that my choices in life have at least gotten me to a place where I’m not tearing down other women for the sake of a Coachella VIP-er.
But with all that being said, do I watch the episodes as they are? HELL NO, hahahaha are you kidding me, that’s 2 hours I could spend rewatching Looking. No. The best way to watch The Bachelor, in my humble opinion, is to go down two very specific routes in tandem, especially the day after the episode airs.
Route 1: Twitter
I know, I know, we all hate Twitter, everyone hates Twitter, even my dog hates Twitter. But Twitter creates some of the fastest, gut-reactiony responses to what goes on each episode, and to be honest I’d rather hear about these things second-hand from funny internet women than watch ABC-doctored recaps.
For instance:
Like!!!!! What kills me about this is that you don’t even have to go on a show like The Bachelor to have to deal with these sorts of conversations. This is just how dating is. Love it, I’m very tired.
Then there was the whole “Bad Bitch” thing:
DISCLAIMER: if you’re reading this and you look like Zach, don’t take it personally, people are making this point because there were a lot of really fantastic POC picks for Bachelor from last season, and fans are upset that they picked another fairly normal white guy instead. Honestly, if you look like Zach, good for you.
In any case, I would personally be offended if I was told I had to be a Bad Bitch for anyone. Isn’t the Bad Bitch philosophy supposed to be self-directed, anyways? Didn’t these girls listen to Meg? And I mean, I know Zach’s type is Dua Lipa, but ladies, please, get it together.
Then, of course, we have the Tweets about little “events” from the episode:
In this case, series favorite Tahzjuan crashed the party and decided to give love a shot with Zack. I feel like Tahz does it for the sake of parody and I love her for it. Plus, this Pattinson meme will never not be funny.
Last example I’ll use is this:
Zach is a very specific type of guy: the ex-football-playing Good Boy, who are historically entranced by offers of peanut butter cups. Regardless of how I feel about him and his politics, I gotta say, this was pretty endearing.
Route 2: Bachelor Fantake
There’s a YouTube channel called “Bachelor Fantake” who does a phenomenal job of condensing each episode into roughly 15 minute recaps, and honestly, he’s saved the series for me. I find the whole premise entertaining again because of him. He’s a really talented editor too, with a great sense of humor, so whenever something (inevitably) baffling happens, he’s quick to make a joke out of it before moving onto the next thing.
This was his most recent recap, which, again, was fantastic:
Honestly I can barely even get through the parts where the contestants talk about themselves, so recaps like these are crucial for me to keep abreast of what’s going on. They’re kind of a highlight of my week: every Tuesday morning, like one of the wee pups on Bluey, I wag my tail and wait for Fantake to spill the tea.
To wrap it all up, if you’re at all curious about The Bachelor, I really recommend going either of these two routes and not wasting your time watching the show itself. Unless you’re a glutton for boredom, in which case, knock yourself out.
Because at the end of the day, ultimately we watch it because it’s “good” trash … but sometimes, even it’s more entertaining to watch a dumpster fire from someone else’s yard, you know?
(featured image: Universal Pictures)
