Ranking ‘The Bachelor’ Season 27 Contestant Bios From Least to Most Unhinged
The vibe here is very "women who identify with word art from HomeGoods."
It is time once again to gather ’round the warm glow of our screens for the annual unveiling of The Bachelor contestant bios. ABC has released the deets on the 30 women vying for the affections of Patrick Warburton’s nephew in season 27. You may remember this season’s bachelor, whose government name is Zach Shallcross, as one of Rachel Recchia’s final picks in the most recent season of The Bachelorette. Rachel dumped Zach after a vaguely dramatic overnight date, but The Bachelor producers thought this lil nepo baby was too good to pass up, I guess, and I’m sure Warburton’s appearance fee is reasonable, so here we are.
Unlike the bios for the men of The Bachelorette, which are often borderline psychotic, the women’s bios tend to read more like the adoption pages for shelter dogs. Each fun fact is like a tip for proper care and feeding—Becka loves walks! Kaitlynne hates cilantro! And it really must be said that the fun facts in season 27’s bios are not nearly as unhinged as previous seasons’, almost as if the Bach producers are actually trying to make a functional adult relationship happen by the end of this thing. You can tell because the majority of this season’s women are licensed medical professionals, and there’s only, like, one content creator. It’s too bad. And of course, everyone’s favorite bland pile of stubbly mashed potatoes, Jesse Palmer, is returning as host.
Anyway! Here are the “fun facts” from the bios of the 30 women hoping to snag a D-level nepo baby on season 27 of The Bachelor, ranked from least to most unhinged. The vibe here is very “women who identify with word art from HomeGoods.” Enjoy!
Viktoria doesn’t eat blue tortilla chips.
Viktoria lives for cheesy Christmas movies.
Viktoria loves to listen to Norah Jones and paint.
Viktoria is a nanny from Austria. Does she even need “fun facts”?
New York City, NY
Ariel loves to read Architectural Digest.
Ariel doesn’t do tarantulas under any circumstance.
Dancing to Abba makes Ariel smile.
According to her full bio, Ariel loves going for long walks while listening to SZA. She actually sounds cool and I have no idea what she’s doing here.
Jersey City, NJ
Brianna hopes to go cage diving with sharks one day.
Brianna created her own language as a child.
Brianna does not do “Netflix and chill.”
This woman created her own language. She obviously has better things to do than watch Netflix with some guy who keeps his mattress on a floor.
Genevie fears animals that are larger than her.
Genevie goes hard for the Baltimore Ravens.
Genevie can drive a stick shift … kind of.
She must be great with babies because this bio put me right to sleep.
Bailey would love to be a professional skydiver.
Bailey likes her margaritas spicy!
Bailey named her dog Charlie after Charlie Brown.
After reading these fun facts, I now know how Charlie Brown feels when he walks with his head down and the sad piano music plays.
Medical Sales Representative
Greer loves to shop at flea markets.
Greer says she is never embarrassed.
Greer can tell a lot about someone by their sushi order.
Winter Springs, FL
Jess’ favorite date activity is playing with puppies.
Jess doesn’t leave the house without sunscreen. Ever.
Jess could play Bananagrams all day and never get bored.
She never leaves the house without sunscreen? Jess, you party animal.
Los Angeles, CA
Kimberly loves to drink wine in her PJs.
Kimberly can’t wait to be a mom one day.
Kimberly’s favorite music is old-school hip-hop.
Kimberly isn’t going to be like a regular mom, she’s going to be a Cool mom.
People tell Katherine that she looks like Julia Roberts all the time.
Katherine doesn’t camp; she only glamps.
Katherine could live off breakfast pastries.
Katherine, no they don’t.
Gabi’s favorite Kardashian is Kris.
Gabi loves to tailgate.
Gabi hopes to own her own Pilates studio one day.
Girlboss. Gatekeep. Gabi.
Kaity grew up figure skating.
Kaity isn’t afraid of sliding into the DMs.
Kaity LOVES roller coasters. Like, looooves them.
Kaity enjoys swimming but hates that sharks may be swimming underneath her.
She loves roller coasters? Okay, so does my 10-year-old nephew. I really wish one of these ladies would have a more controversial opinion, like, “Kaity LOVES stealing food from strangers’ plates in restaurants!”
Baton Rouge, LA
Growing up, Vanessa played a lot of freeze tag.
Vanessa LOVES cherries.
Vanessa’s dream duet partner is Barry Gibb of the Bee Gees.
Freeze tag! What a little freak. I wonder if she was also one of those weird-ass kids who liked Kool-Aid and pool parties and animated movies.
Aly is a proud collector of porcelain dolls.
Aly went to the same high school as Beyoncé.
Aly loves broccolini but hates broccoli.
I imagine walking into Aly’s bedroom is a lot like that scene in The Rehearsal where Nathan Fielder assumes the life of Thomas, an acting student, and finds a pretty surprising tableau of stuffed animals on the guy’s bed.
Being outdoors relaxes Becca.
Becca is a sucker for forbidden romance novels.
Becca wore a lot of beanies in high school and gave off a skater-girl vibe.
What do we mean by “forbidden romance”? Are we talkin’ star-crossed lovers from warring families or erotic fiction about women who hook up with ripped gargoyles and Bigfoots? She couldn’t possibly be referring to anything else, and definitely not something that rhymes with shmincest.
Content Marketing Manager
San Diego, CA
Anastasia loves animals but is intimidated by monkeys.
Anastasia has always felt a strong connection to Cleopatra.
Anastasia fears the day low-rise skinny jeans become fashionable again.
Does Anastasia feel connected to Cleopatra because they both have four syllables in their name, or because Anastasia also married her brothers and had all her siblings killed?
Long Island, NY
Sonia has been bungee jumping. Twice.
Sonia never says “no” to a game of truth or dare.
Sonia is obsessed with Elvis.
Sonia dreams of taking a trip to Arizona.
Aww, you’ll get to Arizona some day, sweetie. Just keep dreaming those big city dreams.
Boca Raton, FL
Holland loves yachting with her girls.
Holland does not function without air conditioning.
Holland’s favorite TV show is “The Bachelor.”
Yeah, Holland, we know. Also, like, who the hell even has a yacht besides Taylor Swift and Tony Soprano?
Olivia’s special talent is sounding like a dolphin.
Olivia loves to read and has color-coded her bookshelf.
Olivia loves carbs.
I hope Olivia M. gets to go yachting with the other girlies so she can show off her special talent. Also, can we just take a moment to recognize how brave she is for making such a strong political statement about carbohydrates? Finally, someone said it.
Brooklyn would love to be able to teleport.
Brooklyn is a two-stepping pro.
Brooklyn loves to start her day with a delicious breakfast burrito.
According to Brooklyn’s full bio, “One day, she dreams of being a professional rodeo cowgirl and horse trainer. But now, Brooklyn works as a lab designer for an oral surgery practice where she custom designs teeth for life-changing dental procedures.” I mean, yeah, if my career choices were between riding horsies and making fake teeth, I’d also be desperate for the ability to teleport.
Nothing upsets Cara more than seeing garbage on the sidewalk.
Cara loves Christmas music.
Cara is not a good cook, but she is great at “assembling meals.”
Really, Cara? Nothing upsets you more than seeing trash on the ground?
Patient Care Technician
Watching “Grey’s Anatomy” inspired Olivia’s desire to work in the medical field.
Olivia will yell at people who litter.
Olivia comes from a family of jet-skiing enthusiasts.
Unlike Cara, Olivia will actually yell at people who litter instead of just getting super mad about it.
Massage is Lekha’s love language.
Going to Stagecoach is on Lehka’s bucket list.
Lehka’s biggest turn-on? Abs.
That’s literally like saying “my biggest turn-on is appearance.”
New York, NY
Cat LOVES hot dogs.
Cat doesn’t do dinner dates.
Cat was a sailing instructor in high school. She dreams of sailing around the world.
LOVES hot dogs. Loves ’em! Can’t get enough of the stuff! Loves ’em so much, she just had to tell the whole world about it. Maybe she doesn’t “do” dinner dates because it’s hard to get to know each other in front of a hot dog cart.
Christina wants to learn how to hula dance.
Christina considers herself a grandma to her daughter’s pet turtle.
Christina’s favorite sport is CrossFit.
This season’s only out-and-proud content creator is also the only woman to have both her first and last name listed on the ABC website. I will not tolerate such foolishness, nor will I address the CrossFit remark, which is clearly unmarked SponCon.
You will never see Kylee with frizzy hair—Olaplex oil for life!
Kylee likes her popcorn smothered in butter and mixed with M&Ms.
Kylee’s celebrity crush is Jimmy Garroppolo.
Look, I’m gonna give Kylee points for casually slipping in a celebrity name that is so clearly made up. You little scamp.
No one has helped Davia through breakups more than Taylor Swift.
Davia could live on oysters.
Davia says she can out-burp anyone.
Under no circumstances should you invite Davia to dinner.
Fort Worth, TX
Victoria has a degree in dance performance.
Victoria doesn’t understand the hype around Pete Davidson.
Victoria’s music taste is stuck in 2007. Emo-punk music for life!
Victoria isn’t made for the cold but says she looks super cute in a ski suit.
Victoria, you lie. Pete Davidson is the boogeyman of every average straight man in America. They are absolutely haunted by the idea of goofy ol’ Petey D. stealing their girl. Victoria here is just trying to get a jump on the competition by addressing Zach’s insecurities head-on.
Mercedes’ hobby is showing pigs at the Iowa State Fair.
Mercedes loves to drive around with the windows down, blasting country music.
Mercedes would rather order in than cook.
I picture Mercedes and one of her show pigs riding back from the State Fair in a pickup truck, blasting “Wide Open Spaces” by the Chicks with the windows down. The pig sits shotgun and sticks his lil pig face out the window as the wind makes his blue ribbon flutter. Mercedes can stay.
Child and Family Therapist
Charity’s all-time favorite movie is “The Notebook.”
Charity wants to move to Disneyworld one day.
Charity throws a mean ax.
Charity’s facts have their own built-in three-act structure. They tell a story. And that story is about a young woman who loves love, so she moves to the happiest place on Earth to find her Prince Charming, only to discover a capitalist hell-world she must escape the only way she knows how: throwing some dang axes.
Madison was a Presidential Scholar in college.
Madison dislikes ALL sauces.
If Madison could have any superpower, it would be the power to pause time.
Madison is an absolute psychopath. ALL SAUCES? All sauces. So you just eat dry foods?
(featured image: ABC)
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