Look, nobody’s perfect. I have had oopsies at work before. We all have. However, I have never misplaced a multi-million dollar fighter jet over the continental U.S., unlike the U.S. military, so you know, I guess I have that going for me?
In case you don’t follow the hyper-specific “lost American military jets over native soil” news, let me fill you in. Earlier this week, an F-35 fighter jet took off from a military base in Charleston, South Carolina. Some time into the flight, the plane’s pilot ejected from it and landed in someone’s backyard in Charleston. Then the military solicited the public’s help in finding the fighter jet, as if it was their dog that got loose from the house because someone left the door open:
“If you have any information on the whereabouts of the F-35, please call our Base Defense Operations Center,” officials wrote, according to NBC News.
The jet was found crashed into a field about a 2-hour drive away from the base, more than 24 hours after the initial “Oh jeez, we lost the jet” message to the public.
Now, I think I speak on behalf of everyone reading this when I ask the American military: How the f*** do you lose a jet?! We’re talking about the most heavily-funded military-industrial complex in the world! You’re telling me they don’t put AirTags on these things? They’re like thirty dollars!
Also, where the hell was the jet before it crashed?! If NORAD can track Santa every December, surely they can find a wayward jet traversing across the American skies. Unless we’re in a Langoliers type of situation, and in that case, surely you could have called up Stephen King himself and enticed him with a personal visit from Lou Bega in order to tell you how to get yourself out of that jam!
More to the point, and I hate to sound like someone reveling in another’s mistake, but like … can I get my money back on this one, please? Approximately twenty percent of everyone’s tax dollars goes directly to Defense spending. If I went to a restaurant and the waiter spilled a plate of spaghetti on me, the restaurant would surely comp my meal and offer to pay for dry cleaning. As hilarious as that mental image is (meatballs in your hair, classic) a lost fighter jet just meandering its way over the U.S. until it decides to crash, possibly directly in my living room (knowing my luck), seems like maybe the manager in charge, should take this on the chin and comp us for our trouble?
Naturally, I’m not the only one wondering why it’s easier to find my lost keys than a fighter jet in this country. Per NBC News:
“How in the hell do you lose an F-35?” Rep. Nancy Mace, R-S.C., asked in a social media post. “How is there not a tracking device and we’re asking the public to what, find a jet and turn it in?”
The same article also indicated that perhaps the plane auto-ejected the pilot, which means the military really needs to get Stephen King on the line, because we’re in a full Christine-type of “possess-angry-transportation-out-for-blood-going-rogue” situation:
The F-35B is unique compared to other models, said Dan Grazier, a senior defense policy fellow at the Project on Government Oversight, a nonprofit federal watchdog.
“The F-35B has an auto-eject function,” he said. “I’m curious to know if it ejected him involuntarily.
When this type of thing happens, there will be multiple official reports. NBC News says the first of those could be released in 90 days.
Here’s the real takeaway here, and I’m going to apologize in advance to the “Truth is Out There” crowd but … there’s no way aliens are real after this debacle. Or at least, there’s no government conspiracy keeping them secret. You’re telling me that the military, who just happened to lose a fighter jet and then solicited the American public for help finding said fighter jet could keep it a secret that there is intelligent life beyond earth for decades? No, I’m sorry, there is no way. Based on this incident alone, if aliens were actually real, the proof would have been accidentally left as the first slide in a PowerPoint presentation to the public or maybe left in a ball pit at a McDonald’s PlayPlace by now. I no longer have faith in a vast governmental coverup because it’s clear the people in charge at not capable of it. Unless this was all a ruse in order to make us think that?
Regardless, if you’re out in your yard and find a debris field of a fighter jet, please call the military and let them know they lost another fighter jet. It’s clear those things are hard to keep track of, and hey! Maybe you’ll get a reward?
(featured image: Paramount Pictures)
