Morfydd Clark as Galadriel in The Rings of Power

But Actually, Who the %$^& Are the Keepers of the Three Rings?

Okay, there are a lot of newbies on Middle Earth campus and it’s freaking me out.

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Like we’re only supposed to get new freshman like once an Age I thought? But now they’re everywhereeeeee. I still do not know who the fuck “The Stranger” is except that he’s old and weird and a little hot in like a grand-dad way? And then there’s this new guy, Adar (who in all honesty is probably that kid Sauron who got expelled last age) but it’s honestly weird that he’s back now and we’re just not supposed to talk about it??? And now I hear people asking around “omg who are the keepers of the three rings?” and I’m like “THERE CAN’T BE MORE OF THESE BITCHES.”

So, I’m gonna settle this by calling my girl, Galadriel. She’s been around five-ever so she knows erbody.

Heyyyy Gal! How’s it going?? Omg stop! I know! Wtf is up with “Adar” right? It’s sooooo embarrassing that Sauron thinks he can just pretend like we don’t all know him lol. Btw I have tea. Have you heard about these new bitches the “keepers of the three rings” or whatever? Everybody has been talking about them and I’m like can we all just chill? I’m still trying to figure out everybody’s lineages like Aragorn’s dad, Arathorn, and Gimli son of Groin, or whatever. So like WHO ARE THESE NEW—wait what? OMG NO THAT’S YOU? BITCH YOU’RE LIKE FAMOUS RIGHT NOW? Why didn’t you TELL ME you were one of the “keepers of the three rings”?

OH shit, yeah I get it. Gotta keep it on the dl in case the forces of darkness try to steal them or w/e. Still you could have told me! Ok ok, I get it, you’re president of the elf student body so owe it to the elves to protect them. Wait so who are the other two? OMG ELROND AND GANDALF? Okay, so like Elrond I get because you two have known each other for literal Ages and you trust him (also are you two a thing? lol right sure) Wait but why Gandalf? He like… doesn’t seem trustworthy??? Like he just kinda wanders around campus smoking weed and shooting off fireworks. Aren’t you worried he’s gonna drop it or do something really stupid like give it to a hobbit or something?

Lmao, right, no, I feel you. No one would ever do something that stupid. Okay bitch I gotta go bye, call me back when you an Elrond boink. No, YOU stop, lol! There’s more shipping for you two than there are actual ships sailing into the West. Ttyl.

So, there’s your answer. But don’t go telling Adar or whoever, he’s weird, and we do not need another war for some stupid rings.

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Jack Doyle
Jack Doyle (they/them) is actually nine choirs of biblically accurate angels crammed into one pair of $10 overalls. They have been writing articles for nerds on the internet for less than a year now. They really like anime. Like... REALLY like it. Like you know those annoying little kids that will only eat hotdogs and chicken fingers? They're like that... but with anime. It's starting to get sad.