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The Internet Has Many Theories About This Lopsided Mystery Shirt, But They’re All Wrong

Zoolander (Ben Stiller) holds a white plaster skull.

There’s all sorts of weird stuff on the internet. And the best part is, you don’t have to look very far to find it.

Just take a little stroll down the Champs d’Internet and you’ll find all sorts of oddities to treasure. What’s in the storefront of Tumblr? Why, it’s the sexiest of the Tumblr Sexymen, of course! How much is that House of The Dragon Trashboy in the window? Why, simply the price of an HBO subscription! And good God! Whatever could this mystery shirt be for? I saw it advertised on Twitter, and I MUST have one!

The Shirt In Question

The Shirt In Question is what I christen a silly little mystery shirt that is currently making its rounds across the Twitter, as if carried in the little blue bird’s beak. Winging whimsically from account to account. Washington Post editor and Twitter user Jacob Brogan ordered the shirt just the other day, and was pleasantly baffled by its appearance and design.


Because it has one short sleeve and one long sleeve.

Why else?

Because it’s a really nice shirt.

According to Brogan, it’s one of the *nicest* t-shirts that he’s ever purchased. The material is soft and high quality. It’s “stupidly luxurious” knit cotton. But this is surprising because the design is just … wrong. (Or right, depending on who’s asking)

People think that this asymmetrical sleeve design was a capital “C” Choice. It wasn’t. It couldn’t have been. This isn’t some high fashion brand. It’s a t-shirt made, according to Brogan, for “Italian millionaires drinking espresso in the shadow of Vesuvius.” This isn’t some Gucci trick. Some Balenciaga cry for attention. It’s a quietly bold little fashion statement. Totally wrong. Totally right.

And apparently, it fits like a dream.

Just look at the pictures. Not too loose, not too tight. It’s well tapered to the wearer’s body. And look at those sleeves! They aren’t loose and floppy like some sort of pauper’s t-shirt. Oh no. They contour the bicep beautifully. Some say that the shirt was made for Our Flag Means Death‘s beloved pirate captain Edward Teach, who has been caught in a one-sleeved garment once before. Others say it’s made for any number of JRPG characters including the cast of Final Fantasy or Fire Emblem. Still some theorize that it would have been a beloved edition to Jungkook’s closet back in 2019. Or perhaps it belonged to Bucky Barnes?

They’re all wrong.

I know what that shirt is. It’s a luxurious t-shirt for a left handed masturbator.

Think about it. I know you don’t want to but DO IT ANYWAY. I’m sick of all these sweet and innocent responses when the ingeniously filthy nature of the design is sitting RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF OUR FACES.

(featured image: Paramount Pictures)

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