George Santos stands in the spotlight.

Stunt Queen George Santos Won’t Run For Reelection After Yikesworthy Ethics Report

George Santos, we hardly knew ye.

Embattled Republican Representative and sweater vest Pinocchio George Santos has announced he will not be running for reelection. Santos, who was elected to represent New York’s 3rd congressional district in 2022, made the announcement after a damning ethics report revealed “substantial evidence” that he committed fraud. This is, of course, hardly a surprise. Santos has been caught in countless lies, from pretending to be Jewish to fabricating his education and career experience. Last month, Santos was indicted on 23 charges related to fraud and conspiracy. He also survived an attempted expulsion from Congress last month.

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The report details a laundry list of alleged crimes and offenses, including but not limited to filing false reports with the FEC, using campaign funds for personal purchases at Sephora, OnlyFans, and for Botox treatments, and violations of the Ethics in Government Act regarding financial disclosures. The report also reveals additional instances of “uncharged and unlawful conduct” beyond the scope of his existing indictments. The report noted that Santos “sought to fraudulently exploit every aspect of his House candidacy for his own personal financial profit.” Seems bad!

Santos posted a lengthy thread on X (formerly Twitter), where he wrote, “I will remain steadfast in fighting for my rights and for defending my name in the face of adversity. I am humbled yet again and reminded that I am human and I have flaws, but I will not stand by as I am stoned by those who have flaws themselves. I will continue on my mission to serve my constituents up until I am allowed. I will however NOT be seeking re-election for a second term in 2024 as my family deserves better than to be under the gun from the press all the time.”

House Ethics Committee Chair Michael Guest (R-Miss.), who previously said he wouldn’t pursue expulsion efforts against Santos, has reversed course in light of the report. A spokesperson for Guest told the Washington Examiner, “Chairman Guest feels that the evidence uncovered in the Committee’s investigation is more than sufficient to warrant punishment, and that the most appropriate punishment is expulsion.” 

I, for one, will be sad to see Santos go. Is he a criminal grifter siphoning campaign funds for his own pleasure? Most likely. But during this soul-destroying news cycle, Santos’ shenanigans are a welcome reprieve from the dire events that are constantly unfolding. There are legitimate evil actors working in our government. Cruel wannabe dictators who vocally supported the insurrection on January 6, and will do everything in their power to reelect Donald Trump. These people are desperate to turn our country into a Christian theocracy and remain a clear and present danger.

And then there’s George Santos, who took the meme “Be Gay Do Crime” to hilarious levels, spending Republican donors’ dollars by going to spas, buying makeup, and subscribing to porn. What a rascal. THESE are the kinds of low-stakes and hilarious political scandals I want to see. Give me more Lauren Boebert getting groped at Beetlejuice and less Lauren Boebert overturning democracy, am I right?

What does the future hold for George Santos? Most likely jail time. But after that, the world is his oyster. Will he appear on a series of demeaning reality competition shows? Launch his own Bravo series as a Real House Husband of New York? Or will he continue to trash-talk people on social media? Whatever he does, I hope he continues with his outlandish lies and self-embellishment. Reach for the stars, George. How else will you become an ambassador to space?

(featured image: Justin Sullivan/Getty Images, Photoshop)

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Chelsea Steiner
Chelsea was born and raised in New Orleans, which explains her affinity for cheesy grits and Britney Spears. An pop culture journalist since 2012, her work has appeared on Autostraddle, AfterEllen, and more. Her beats include queer popular culture, film, television, republican clownery, and the unwavering belief that 'The Long Kiss Goodnight' is the greatest movie ever made. She currently resides in sunny Los Angeles, with her husband, 2 sons, and one poorly behaved rescue dog. She is a former roller derby girl and a black belt in Judo, so she is not to be trifled with. She loves the word “Jewess” and wishes more people used it to describe her.