This year, Christmas just got a little worse. That’s because professional conservative troll Sean Hannity has taken his ridiculous belief that there is a war on Christmas to the silver screen and his sure-to-be-modern classic movie, Jingle Smells, is coming out just in time.
You might be wondering what Hannity has to do with entertainment in general, and it seems that he has taken it upon himself to become a movie producer. Jingle Smells will be his third such foray into the role, and I’m sure, his most prestigious.
With a title like that, I’m sure you have some questions, and while I don’t think anyone really has the answer you’re looking for, I have pulled this nifty plot summary from the film’s website:
The film features war vet Nick Gutman (Ben Davies) who is forced to take a job with his dad’s (John Schneider) quirky garbage men buddies, who are hired to conduct a wild secret mission — destroying perfectly good toys by Christmas Eve. These popular toys were pulled from the shelf after the film star (James Storm) they are based on is “cancelled” for his patriotic views. Instead of destroying them, Nick takes on the secret identity “Jingle Smells” and becomes a Robin Hood of the Holidays.
Jingle Smells also stars Jim Breuer (Saturday Night Live), Victoria Jackson (Saturday Night Live), Dylan Postl (WWE), Brad Stine, Jaclyn Stapp, Sean Hannity and features a special appearance by the Jay Sekulow Band and a special voice appearance by Gov. Mike Huckabee.
Personally, I love how this movie focuses on the commercial aspect of Christmas and no religious aspect whatsoever. Ten out of ten, no notes.
So, there’s a lot to unpack here, but this is a Hannity-sponsored Christmas movie, baby. We’re not going to stop to unpack, we’re going to barrel on down the road because here’s the trailer:
Oh, gee, did you notice this wasn’t a YouTube embed but instead a weirdly formatted video from a platform called “Rumble”? That’s because Rumble is a streaming service for anti-woke conservative schlock that legitimate platforms won’t touch with a 10-foot pole. It claims to be “immune to cancel culture,” whatever that means. Soak that in for a moment. While you’re at it, consider why Eric Roberts, who has been nominated for an Academy Award, wasn’t listed in the press release, and Jim Breuer was.
Look, I don’t mean to harp on anyone, but I really need you to consider your life choices if former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee showing up in a movie gets you excited.
Hannity, for his part, seems to be excited about Jingle Smells. Yikes:
“We’re breaking away from mainstream Hollywood and doing something totally different,” says Sean Hannity. “Jingle Smells is a hilarious and heartwarming story filled with a great message and void of all the crazy agendas being presented by those other entertainment platforms. Jingle Smells is a movie that your entire family can enjoy together this Christmas season.”
Yes, the whole family can “enjoy” this movie for the low, low cost of 19.99 from Rumble, but hey, if you pre-order now, you get $5 off so I guess that’s something!
Obviously, there are people taking notice of Jingle Smells, and not in a good way. Here’s a 14-minute dunk from The Majority Report w/ Sam Seder:
Now, generally, I don’t deal in absolutes, but I will here: There is no such thing as intentionally funny conservative media. Maybe inadvertently funny because you end up laughing at the person not with, but conservative humor is so joyless, delusional, and completely un-self-aware that it’s impossible to tell a funny joke within its confines. It’s so hell-bent on thinking it’s put upon and relishing in the punching down that it simply cannot be funny.
You know what is funny, though? The idea that anyone would pay for this craptastic movie. That, friends, is funny. Also, Hannity is a turd, so I hope he loses money on this. That would absolutely put me in the Christmas spirit.
(Photo by Steven Ferdman/Getty Images, TMS)
