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So WHAT Is Even Happening on Riverdale This Time?

Uh so … what is happening on The CW’s Riverdale, you ask? I suppose you saw the absolutely wild new promo for season 5 episode 4, where the show out-Riverdales itself by jumping 7 years into the future for some more wild plot twists. Are you sure you want to know the answer to your question? Because I’ll tell you, it is absolute nonsense, and I’m here for everything that show is trying to sell me—mainly because it makes zero sense.

You know, like all of Riverdale, a show that has already done seasons, episodes, or plots involving serial killer fathers, sisters who stage their brother’s deaths to show them they care, and a cult where Chad Michael Murray tried to fly off earth in a makeshift rocket. That’s right: with a bunch of high school students.

So, Archie had to go to war. What war? Well, it involves a football field, so I’m going to assume that war broke out because the Steelers didn’t make it to the Super Bowl. That’s my own personal war. And Veronica just married some random dude seven years after high school. Betty now works with the FBI, which isn’t that different than what she did in high school, and Jughead is a published writer seven years after high school.

So let’s break down what this new trailer means for each of our quadrangle of love and affection. Seven years from their senior year means that these actors are now playing, roughly, their real ages. (The main four range from KJ Apa being 23 years old to Cole Sprouse being 28 years old, and they were playing high school kids.)

First, let’s start with Archie Andrews.

Instead of going to high school for one more year, Archie decided that he’d rather join the war at the end of the previous episode. And it wasn’t like a “here, come join the army!” thing. No, it was literally Archie joining a war. What war? Your guess is as good as mine because Riverdale just manifested a war and said to go with it.

So, the last we saw of Archie, he was getting on a bus to war, and his friends (mainly Veronica) were upset that they didn’t get a real goodbye, so they steal a car from the dawning of the automobile industry and ride after this bus that has two other people on it.

They hugged Archie goodbye and he left the idea of just simply finishing high school and his business that he has, and ran, and made money doing (so why didn’t he just do that?!) and decided that a war is better. Flash-forward to seven years later, and he’s fighting on a football field. Have I mentioned this 5 other times? YES BECAUSE IT MAKES NO SENSE! WHAT WAR IS WAGED ON A FOOTBALL FIELD?!

Okay, sorry, moving on.

Next, there’s Veronica Lodge.

The last we saw of her, she also gave up her business by giving Pop back his diner that he owned—something Veronica could have done when she first ended up in charge because that would be the right thing to do but instead she built a speakeasy for teens in the basement. ANYWAY, now she’s married.

That’s about … all we got? She’s just married to someone else? Okay. Great.

Betty is going full Clarice Starling in Silence of the Lambs and is in the FBI academy, something that isn’t surprising seeing as the FBI just, like, let her work with them as a teen. But what makes no sense is the fact that Jughead says that he hasn’t seen anyone in the seven years, and Betty is like …his half-sister/girlfriend/step-sister? So wouldn’t he see her at the holidays? Or did FP Jones and Alice Cooper just fully break up when they said a simple goodbye at the end of the last episode? I have so many questions.

And this brings us to Jughead. He went to school for writing and is now a published writer. And Jughead screaming at his writing is about the only relatable thing in Riverdale.

As always, I’m just Jughead Jones, trying to explain whatever is happening in Riverdale.

So, I guess, get ready for a time jump and for a war and for Betty Cooper taking on a cannibal? I don’t know; I’m assuming Riverdale would do that. Whatever actually happens, I’m still watching this trash show because it is truly next-level bananas and it has its hooks in me. Oh shoot, I didn’t even explain that Veronica and Archie sort of broke up because Archie kissed Betty during their rehearsal of “Origin of Love” from Hedwig and the Angry Inch, and when Betty finally told Jughead, he was fine with it. Anyway, war.

(image: Robert Falconer/The CW)

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Resident Spider-Man expert, official Leslie Knope, actually Yelena Belova. Wanda Maximoff has never done anything wrong in her life. New York writer with a passion for all things nerdy. Yes, she has a Pedro Pascal podcast.