Presenting Our Very Own Extended Cut of Morpheus’s Battle With Lucifer in ‘The Sandman’
FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT.
You know that scene in episode 4 of The Sandman on Netflix, where Lucifer and Morpheus have an epic battle of the imagination to see if Morpheus will get his helm back or if he has to be Choronzon’s servant for eternity? That scene kicked ass. They were turning into dire wolves and supernovas and whatever the hell “anti-life” is! If only we had more of it.
Well, guess what, nerds! We managed to dig up an exclusive, uncut, never-before-seen draft of that fight scene, right out of
my imagination the Netflix vaults. This is totally exclusive, friends. You won’t find it anywhere else.
Aren’t you glad we’re doing this kind of serious investigative journalism so that you can feast on the results? Enjoy!
INT. LUCIFER’S PALACE IN HELL – TWILIGHT
LUCIFER and DREAM face each other as HORDES OF DEMONS cheer from outside the castle. CHORONZON, MAZIKEEN, and MATTHEW THE RAVEN look on as LUCIFER and DREAM get ready to fight.
Lucifer: I am a dire wolf, prey-stalking, lethal prowler.
Dream: I am a bigger dire wolf, menacing and sharp-toothed, big enough to eat your dire wolf.
Lucifer: I am an even bigger dire wolf than your dire wolf, with eyes that shoot lasers.
Dream: I am the biggest dire wolf in the universe, with a million eyes that shoot lasers and also I can shoot poison out of my mouth.
Lucifer: I am the biggest dire wolf in the entire universe, with a million laser eyes and a billion poison mouths … times infinity.
Lucifer: I am an office cubicle, lifeless and soul-crushing, like the office in Severance except way worse.
Dream: I am 5 p.m. on a Friday, the clock ticking down to freedom, the margaritas at that nice place down the street waiting.
Lucifer: I am your boss, waving you down as you leave so I can tell you to come in on Saturday.
Dream: (wincing, then recovering) I am a banana peel that the boss slips on so that the worker can make their escape.
Lucifer: I am a lawsuit that leads the company to ban all bananas on company property.
Dream: I am the company itself. (Eyes narrow) We sell bananas.
Lucifer: I am a toddler in a tantrum, nerve-fraying and eardrum-splitting.
Dream: I am a seasoned parent, knowledgeable and calm, who managed to read the exact right book and actually knows what to do in this situation.
Lucifer: I am a LEGO brick hidden in the carpet.
Dream: OWW! OW. OW. FUCK. CHRIST.
Dream: I am rubber, ever-stretching, all-repelling.
Lucifer: I am glue, always sticking, all-absorbing.
Lucifer: Wait. Shit. Wait, can I do that one ov—
Dream: I am a garbage disposal, ravenous and all-consuming.
Lucifer: I am a fork that falls in when you’re not looking, jamming the blades, making that horrible sound like your sink is going to explode.
Dream: I am a bit of crusty dried food stuck on the fork that makes it too icky to eat with, but you can’t say anything because you’re a guest at a dinner party and your hosts get defensive when they’re embarrassed and you don’t want another fight, so you just pick the food off under the table while wondering how healthy your friendship with these people really is.
Lucifer: (sweating) I … I am a dog that eats up the bit of icky food from under the table.
Dream: I am a baby gate that keeps the dog away from the nice dinner party.
MATTHEW: (softly) Holy fuck. Shit.
Lucifer: I am a bark, erupting from the dog’s throat, that annoys all the guests and starts the fight they were hoping to avoid!
Dream: I am a biscuit from one of those really fancy pet stores, one that’s shaped like an ice cream cone or a piece of tiramisu or something, and it’s steak-flavored. Nummy nummy for a distracted doggo.
Lucifer: Oh … !
LUCIFER falls to the floor, unconscious.
Shout out to my partner, who mentioned that it would be really funny if the only ideas Lucifer and Dream could come up with in their battle were bigger and bigger dire wolves.
(featured image: Netflix)
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