There’s Squishmallows in them hills! These particular little guys are rarer than a One Piece hiatus. Maybe even as rare as these Pokémon Ash caught! In a sense, these rare squishmallows are just legendary Pokemon that you can cuddle and love. Here they are, ranked by how likely you are to come across them.
10. Connor the Cow
Connor the Cow is an avid cyclist and a lover of California. They say that happy cows come from there, but maybe that’s just what Big Milk would have you believe. Something tells me that Connor the Cow is a shill for the dairy industry. Maybe that’s why he’s so rare, because he’s one of those “Judas cows” that lead other cows to slaughter. If you find Connor the Cow, it’s best to adopt him immediately to get him off the streets and away from his herd that he is actively working to betray.
9. Philippe the Frog
Philippe the Frog is one of the Valentine baby squad of Squishmallows. You can tell because he’s got cute little hearts on his little cheeks. His interests include playing hopscotch with his friends, especially Marco the Hedgehog. Maybe there’s a little bit of a “more than friends” sitch brewing between Philippe and Marco? Maybe that’s why Marco’s got cute little hearts on his cheeks too? I ship it.
8. Gertrude the Goose
Like Lenora the Loon, Gertrude the Goose is only available for purchase in Canada. Dammit Canada, why do you always get all cool birds? Apparently Gertrude is known as a “bossy” Squishmallow, but maybe she’s just assertive with her boundaries and the other Squishmallows can’t handle that. The life of a Squishmallow kind of demands squishy boundaries it seems. People you don’t know are always touching you and squeezing you. EVERYONE wants to sleep with you. Gertrude the Goose isn’t gonna let that birds*t fly.
7. Blossom the Sheep
Aside from being one of the rarest, Blossom the Sheep looks like he’s also one of the sleepiest of the Squishmallow gang. When he tries to fall asleep, what does he count? His siblings? His extended family? Maybe the only sheep that he can count on is himself. It’s that kind of go-getter mindset that’s allowed Blossom the Sheep to get ahead in the world, earning his resale price tag of around $188. He bootstrapped his way up by his squishy little sheep feetsies.
6. Patty the Cow
There’s a lot of cows in the Squishmallow family, so what makes Patty special? Is she a shill for the dairy industry like Connor? Perhaps the conspiracy goes even deeper than that. She’s 100% involved in some insider trading. How could she be worth nearly $300 otherwise?
5. Avery the Duck
Don’t let his round and squishable body fool you, Avery the Duck is actually a star athlete. According to the Squishmallow database, Avery the duck is on the rugby team. They don’t specify what position, so it’s very possible that he could play as the ball given his proportions. Even if he is, everyone in his life is very supportive of his career decisions. His entire family shows up to games and eat popsicles. Unless the reality is far more tragic. It’s possible that Avery’s parents had saw their own rugby dreams dashed due to the rigors of professional athlete life, and are projecting their aspirations onto their only son. Maybe Avery wanted to be a theatre kid? We’ll never know. Either way, he must be making his parents proud with his $500 price tag. But will it ever be enough to meet their ever soaring expectations?
4. Ultra Rare Founders Cat
Now we’re getting into the big guns. The Ultra Rare Founders Cat, while having the most rare sounding name on this list, is actually not the rarest. Why is he misrepresenting himself like this? He doesn’t need to be the absolute rarest in order to be deserving of love. All Squishmallows are equally squishable. Someone tell this poor cat that he deserves to be loved just like he deserves a REAL name. He doesn’t have to identify himself based on his value alone anymore – which is around $1250 btw.
3. Archie the Axolotl
Oh look at this special boy! He’s an axolotl. A giant riverdwelling salamander whose name I can never remember how to spell. Archie is the pinnacle of amphibian cuteness. Look at his little cupcake sprinkle belly! And what’s that? A red balloon in his hand? On second thought, don’t trust him. I’ve seen It. I don’t trust anything holding a red balloon anymore. His $1500 price tag is too good to be true. He’d be even higher on this list if you couldn’t get a smaller version of him for around $200.
2. Fania the Purple Owl
“Wait a minute” I telepathically hear you thinking “I’ve seen Fanias for like $30 at Walmart”. Yes, that is true. But at one point, Fania was the hottest of hot commodities. After selling for nearly $3000 on eBay only a few years ago, Fania may just be the most expensive Squishmallow ever sold. What else could you get with $3000? A used car! A lifetime supply of bath bombs! Or you could write yourself a reality check to maybe not spend three grand on a stuffed animal! Whatever man, you do you.
1. Jack The Black Cat
Jack the Black Cat. The apex. The pinnacle. The blueprint. The icon. What else is there to say? Not much, because Jack the Black Cat is the strong but silent type, according to the Squishmallows database. He is part of the Easter Squad of Squishmallows. How much does Jack go for? Prepare to clutch your pearls, Jack is listed at about $1300. Why? He’s limited edish. And you know how people are with cats, they go craaaaaaaaazy for them. Cats may as well be the official mascot of the internet, therefore Jack the Black Cat may as well be the official Squishmallows mascot. He’s the perfect thing to furnish your apartment with. The apartment you’re about to lose because you spent the rent check on him.
(images: Squishmallows)
