Of all the animals in North America, the most prized of them is the raccoon. Sorry to the bald eagle, you’ve had your time. The thing is: Raccoons are so cute. They are furry, they love to eat, and they have big eyes and I would die for them. There’s a reason that one of my favorite Marvel characters is Rocket Raccoon. I’d give raccoons all the marshmallows they could ever want if given the opportunity. All this to say that Dunkin’ Donuts has a new employee.
Remember when Ben Affleck took a job at his native Boston’s beloved Dunkin’? It was for a Super Bowl commercial, and a nod to the fact that you can always count on Affleck to have a Dunkin’ cup in his hand. And so, for a while, he was the Dunkin’ employee fans were rooting for.
But now this raccoon is coming for his job. As I was scrolling TikTok one night, I just happened to see a video someone filmed from their car. They just sat there, looking at a raccoon in the drive-thru. And this raccoon clearly knew that if he was polite and he waited patiently, he’d be rewarded. I love that for him, that he just knows he can get a donut.
The employee behind the drive-thru window waited until the raccoon was standing up in the drive-thru lane and handed him a donut, which he took and ran away back into the wilderness.
All of this is just pointing out the obvious: That raccoon deserves a job at Dunkin’. For good reason, too! You wouldn’t really have to pay him money, just donuts. And think of the business you’d get from people rushing to see the Dunkin’ Raccoon hand them their coffee.
Dunkin’ is for the raccoons
Now, if you’re not a fan of TikTok or raccoons, you might not know that they love coming back to places where food is put out for them. So in theory, we can probably surmise that this Dunkin’ has given this donut fiend some food previously. If not, they just started a dangerous new trend—all for the betterment of the company. Look, that raccoon would make a good employee.
Granted, you might have to fight him a little over the donuts for customers, but if you handed him bags to hand to other people? It’d be cute! I would go out of my way to go to the Dunkin’ where a raccoon was going to hand me my food, and I don’t even like Dunkin’ as a coffee place. (Their donuts are innocent though, I love those.)
So, sorry to Ben Affleck, but you’ve been replaced again. First Charlie Cox became the definitive Matt Murdock/Daredevil, and now a raccoon is staking his claim as the number one Dunkin’ fan. And honestly, Ben, I don’t think you stand a chance against him. If it came down to a raccoon and you, the raccoon is always going to win. Say hello to Dunkin’s newest employee. I’ve dubbed him Donutcoon.
(featured image: Bellocqimages / Bauer-Griffin / GC Images / Walt Disney Studios Motion Pictures)
