Marco Rubio, Do You Really Have Nothing To Do Except Ban TikTok? An Open Letter From a Concerned Karen
Dear Senator Rubio,
I’ve been your neighbor for some time now, and since the first day you’ve held office, you’ve had my undying appreciation. When you made that tweet propagating your unfounded claim that journalists were celebrating Covid-19 deaths in Florida, I got on The Facebook and made sure to send it all of the ladies in my book club. And when you posted that video of you ranting about Marxism while sitting in your car in the middle of nowhere, I made sure I memorized every word and repeated it verbatim to my husband the second he got home from work. You do so much good in this world, Marco. As a Karen myself, I admire your ability to focus in on issues that are pointless, ungrounded in reality, and to the general detriment of the American people. There is no one on Earth that can raise a stink over nothing quite like you Senator. The ladies and myself could all learn a thing or two from you. We’re all named Karen, by the way. It’s a bookclub for Karens only.
But Marco, I’ve been a little worried lately. I haven’t seen you leaving your house recently. Not even to open the door and pick up the macaroni casserole I left on your porch last week! It’s too late now, a raccoon got it. Or maybe it was just Ted Cruz. I’m not sure, I need to get new glasses.
I took the liberty of doing what Karens do best: being nosy. I went over to your house this morning in the predawn hours in order to see what you were up to. Senator, I didn’t like what I saw. After climbing a ladder to peer into your second story window, I saw you sitting in a stained t-shirt and yellowed pair of tighty-whities (at least I’m sure they were white when you bought them) just staring at the wall. I tapped on the window a few times to see if I could get your attention, or at least get you to wipe the drool off your chin, but you didn’t answer. I decided to leave, as I had made plans to dislike youtube videos and leave one star reviews on internet products all day. When I shimmied up the ladder again in the evening, you were sitting in the same position. A few policemen came by and had the nerve to tell me that I couldn’t climb ladders and look into other people’s windows, but I told them that they should leave me alone, and that they should be more worried about those youths that like to do god knows what at the end of the street. I won’t have children that aren’t currently enrolled in a private school education in my neighborhood. No sir.
The next day, I went on The Facebook and saw that you were back to work in government. At first I was relieved, but then I became more and more disturbed. Senator I saw you were planning working on legislation to ban The TikTok in the United States. You had named the act the “Averting the National Threat of Internet Surveillance, Oppressive Censorship and Influence, and Algorithmic Learning by the Chinese Communist Party” or “ANTI-SOCIAL CCP,” and Mr. Rubio while I’m all for a bit of droll wit, don’t you think that name is a little long? I couldn’t possibly type all that in my Facebook messages to the other Karens. I’m aware that the “copy” and “paste” functions would make the process easier, but I still haven’t figured them out. But this is besides the point. Senator, I don’t think I need to tell you that I’m all for sticking to those upstart youths, and I know that The TikTok is very favorite things. But Senator, don’t you think that this is being a little bit … petty? I can’t believe I’m saying this, because I believe that pettiness is one of life’s great sources of bliss along with “outrage” and “ignorance,” but surely this goes too far. Senator, what I’m trying to say here is I’m worried about you.
Surely you don’t really think that the Chinese Communist Party is interested in collecting data on a bunch of teenagers doing little dances? What would they learn? Aside from whatever the hot new Billy Eyelash song is, I’m sure it won’t be much. Listen, I’m all for banning the app on government devices. We can’t have those lazy louts at the post office scrolling away on The TikTok and not delivering, on time, the crisp five dollar bill I’ve decided to give my nephew for Christmas. Nor can we allow are servicemen to use the device on their phones either while on active duty in the military. We have to SUPPORT the troops, and sometimes that means saving them from THEMSELVES. We can’t have our young men and women distracted by silly dances when they should be focused on fighting and dying for the freedoms of people like me and you, who are too old and too rich to fight, respectively.
But Senator, surely that most be enough? And surely there must be more important petty legal battles to be fought than banning The TikTok. Why, just the other day I heard that those upstarts at the American Girl Doll company came out with a book that my friend on The Facebook said is scientifically proven to turn children into an LGBTQ! That’s what they’re calling the gays these days! We can’t let that happen! I won’t have my nephew spending that crisp five dollar bill on the drag queen shows! He should be investing that money. If he invests it in a savings account at the bank now, he should be able to buy a house and feed a family of five by the time he’s twenty two! At least that’s how it was back in my day!
In conclusion Senator, the children of the world look up to you. There is an entire generation of Karens that need someone to show them how to be petty. And it’s up to you, the man my petty generation elected, to set an example. Senator Rubio, we need a man courageous enough to pull over on the side of the road and scream about the dangers Marxism into the internet. We need a man wise enough to separate facts from his opinions, and then claim that those opinions are facts online. We need a man who loves this country enough to not stand by and let the liberals, the youths, and those damn drag queens ruin it. We need you Senator Rubio. Let those kids have The TikTok; there are more important petty deeds to be done.
-A Concerned Karen
(Featured Image: Twitter Screenshot)
P.S. If that really was Ted Cruz stealing your macaroni casserole that night, tell him to stay out of my garbage cans. I’m tired of making my husband clean up the mess.
Have a tip we should know? [email protected]