Andy Dwyer (Chris Pratt)'s alter ego, FBI agent Burt Macklin in 'Parks and Recreation'

All the States That Have Banned TikTok on Government Devices, According to a Shady Federal Agent

Hello, ma’am. Would you open the door for me please?

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My name? You don’t need to be concerned with my name. But if it’s easier for you, you can call me Agent Narc. I’m with the Department of Internet Affairs, which was newly formed after reports that European operatives were able to interrupt an Italian government meeting with images of Final Fantasy 7 porn. It’s said that quite a few “final fantasies” came true on that dark day, but that’s neither here nor there.

Ma’am, you work for the post office in the state of Maryland, correct? And you were issued a phone in order to help you complete your duties, correct? And you recently used that phone to “throw ass” in a TikTok-related dance trend, correct? That’s what I thought.

Ma’am, are you aware that the state of Maryland has recently banned the use of TikTok on all government owned devices? This order comes directly from the mouth of Governor Larry Hogan. At least, I think that’s what he said. He was elbow-deep in a Philly cheesesteak when he told me. I couldn’t make out the words per se, but I knew what he meant.

I’m going to need you to delete TikTok off that phone if you wish to continue your employment with the United States Postal Service, am I understood?

Why? Because it’s a national security issue. TikTok is a Chinese based platform, and as such, it may be used by the Chinese government for cyber-espionage, government surveillance, and the collection of sensitive personal information. Do you want a video of you “throwing ass” to end up in a Chinese database, subject to misappropriation and ridicule by communists? As a red-blooded, hamburger-guzzling, GOD-FEARING American I should think not. DO YOU LOVE FREEDOM?! DO YOU SUPPORT THE TROOPS?! DO YOU THINK THAT THIS IS THE GREATEST COUNTRY ON THIS SHIT-ROCK THAT WE CALL A PLANET?! FOR YOUR PERSONAL SAFETY, YOU BETTER. IF YOU WANT TO MAINTAIN YOUR RIGHTS TO LIFE, LIBERTY, AND THE ASS-THROWING PURSUIT YOU CALL “HAPPINESS,” YOU BETTER HAND ME YOUR GODDAMN PHONE RIGHT NOW.

Thank you.

Speaking of supporting the troops, I’m sure you can guess that TikTok has also been banned from usage by military personnel for similar reasons. I know you’re probably thinking, “How could watching Charlie D’Amelio videos and comparing my miserable life to hers be a national security issue?” Well, to paraphrase Nietzsche, when you stare into Charlie D’Amelio, Charlie D’Amelio stares into you. For all we know she might be WORKING for the Chinese government! Or those no-good Russians! DO YOU LIKE BORSCHT? WELL, YOU’RE GONNA ONCE RUSSIA TAKES US OVER AND MAKES YOU EAT IT FOR THREE MEALS A DAY BECAUSE YOU COULDN’T STOP WATCHING CHARLIE D’AMELIO DO WHATEVER SATANIC MAGIC CHARLIE D’AMELIO DOES TO MAKE PEOPLE LOVE HER.

Listen, I get that this comes as a shock, but surely you must have known this was gonna happen. It’s all over the internet, for cryin’ out loud. Why, Nebraska (paragon of American excellence that it is) blocked TikTok on government devices way back in 2020. See, there’s a REASON that Bruce Springsteen made a CRITICALLY ACCLAIMED ALBUM about that particular state. It’s because Nebraska is a BURNING TORCH OF GOODNESS in the dark cave of greater America. Those namby-pamby Californians could stand to LEARN A THING OR TWO. And Nebraska isn’t alone. Oh, no siree! You know which other states have decided to carry the torch as well? The great state of Alabama! The great state of South Dakota! The great state of South Carolina! The great state of Utah! Do you think the Mormons want their God-fearing, long underwear-wearing kids to watch you throw that pair of chicken cutlets you call an ass online? THEY MOST CERTAINLY DO NOT. And you know who else has had enough? TEXAS. GREATEST STATE IN THE CONTINENTAL U.S. Home of cowboys! Home of barbecue! Home of good old fashioned American values like eating your weight in Angus beef! What do you think those brave men DIED defending the Alamo for? IT WASN’T FOR YOU. AND IT WASN’T FOR YOUR ASS. IT WAS FOR FREEDOM. FOR A LAND OF THE FREE THAT ARE FREE FROM WATCHING YOU AND THE LAST TWO SEROTONIN MOLECULES IN YOUR BRAIN DANCE AROUND IN ORDER TO FEEL SOMETHING AGAIN ON GOVERNMENT TIME.

Now listen, those hippies at TikTok are gonna try to sell you a story about how the TikTok bans are fueled by disinformation. Why, just the other day, TikTok spokesperson Jamal Brown said that the bans are “largely fueled by misinformation about our company.” Do I believe a word he says? HELL NO, I DON’T. Jamal Brown used to work for that geriatric numb-nuts we’ve got for a president back when he was still running, or should I say shambling for office. He was the guy’s former campaign national press secretary, but I guess he got bored of cleaning Biden’s nose hairs and decided to let himself get BOUGHT OUT BY THE CHINESE. THAT’S RIGHT. HE GOT HIRED BY TIKTOK’S PARENT COMPANY BYTEDANCE TO “MANAGE POLICY COMMUNICATIONS FOR THE AMERICAS.” AT LEAST THAT’S WHAT THEY SAID ON DAILY MAIL. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT? EVEN THE BRITISH KNOW ABOUT THIS TRAVESTY. AND THEY’RE LAUGHING AT US. LAUGHING THROUGH THEIR WEIRD, TEA-STAINED TEETH. IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT? YOU WANT AMERICA TO BE THE LAUGHINGSTOCK OF A BUNCH OF SUCKERS WHO WEAR SILLY LITTLE WIGS TO COURT? BECAUSE IF YOU DO, HOW ABOUT I JUST SEND YOU THERE ON A ONE-WAY TRIP AT THE BOTTOM OF A CARGO SHIP? HOW ABOUT YOU SLURP DOWN THAT EARL GREY.

And my God … just think of the children … BECAUSE SOMEONE HAS TO. And that SOMEONE is the great state of INDIANA, who sued TikTok for exposing their children to “adult content.” I.E. YOU THROWING THAT DISAPPOINTMENT YOU CALL AN ASS. Those kids SHOULD be watching something FAR LESS DISTURBING. Something SUITABLE for children, like Bambi’s mom dying, so they can learn the value of INDEPENDENCE. Or maybe Saving Private Ryan, so they know the TRUE PRICE of freedom.

Here’s your phone back. I’ve deleted TikTok off of it. This is your first and last warning. If I find out that you’re throwing your ass on government time again then I’ll make sure your ass is THROWN. IN. JAIL. ALONG WITH ANYONE ELSE WHO USES TIKTOK AFTER MARCO RUBIO IS DONE BANNING IT NATIONWIDE.

You have a nice day now … I’m going home to watch Charlie D’Amelio TikToks on my PERSONAL DEVICE. Like any GOD-FEARING AMERICAN SHOULD.

(featured image: NBC)


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Author
Jack Doyle
Jack Doyle (they/them) is actually nine choirs of biblically accurate angels in crammed into one pair of $10 overalls. They have been writing articles for nerds on the internet for less than a year now. They really like anime. Like... REALLY like it. Like you know those annoying little kids that will only eat hotdogs and chicken fingers? They're like that... but with anime. It's starting to get sad.