So Jeff Bezos has a dick-shaped spaceship—one that he rode to space on. And it only lasted a few minutes. Truly, the dick jokes just write themselves at this point.
The Blue Origin New Shepard went up and back down in quick succession, and then had press stories going up all day that lasted longer than the actual flight. To be fair, all rockets are at least vaguely similar in shape, but Bezos’ feels like the closest to a full Dr. Evil move yet. In an insufferable move, the Bezos Bros (Mark Bezos and Jeff Bezos) went to space (barely) together and brought some “special” things with them. Ah, to be rich!
We were able to fly with a piece of canvas from the Wright Flyer, so the plane that the Wright Brothers flew, we brought a piece of that canvas with us which was really powerful, as well as a bronze medallion that was made from the first hot air balloon flight in 1783, which was the first time man ever, you know, left the Earth in controlled flight so we were very thrilled to bring both of those along with us.
To help set the scene as we continue to talk about Bezos, here is a perfect song:
Everything else about billionaires going to space aside, no one could handle the particular shape of Bezos’ rocket.
#BlueOrigin DICKS IN SPAAAAAAACE!!!! pic.twitter.com/RximalwIzu
— THIS MACHINE… (@SIXTHSCALE) July 20, 2021
AND ITS NAME IS BLUE?!!? It’s baffling and also just a blatant show of wealth that he could have just used to help the world but instead spent billions of dollars to go to the EDGE of space and float for a few minutes and make jokes before coming right back home.
Twitter is obviously making fun of this.
jeff bezos BLASTED off in a giant dick today…… good morning
— lorem ipsum (@LILACH0URS) July 20, 2021
Jeff Bezos finally relatable. Who among us hasn’t ridden a giant dick to get over a breakup
— a little verklempt (@alisonklemp) July 20, 2021
Jeff bezos flying a dick into space is pretty sus ngl https://t.co/8sylZ63cWj
— Doomslayer Against Kpop (@SlayerHatesKpop) July 20, 2021
Sure Amazon employees are forced to pee in bottles and work in inhumane conditions but at least Jeff Bezos got to ride a giant dick into space.
— Kendall Brown (@kendallybrown) July 20, 2021
I wonder how many hungry Americans died while @JeffBezos didn’t really go to real space?
— Damian Holbrook (@damianholbrook) July 20, 2021
Liza Minnelli outlives Jeff Bezos’s minutes-long journey into the dinkiest part of space
— alex (@alex_abads) July 20, 2021
life is a dick joke pic.twitter.com/5Uy7e4ubak
— rachel leishman (@RachelLeishman) July 20, 2021
Jeff Bezos rode a giant dick-shaped ship to space for ten minutes. The worst part? Bezos thanked everyone who worked at Amazon and every customer because we paid for him to get his rocks off for a few minutes.
*looks directly at camera* https://t.co/3kkamn6vti
— Saeed Jones (@theferocity) July 20, 2021
(image: Alex Wong/Getty)
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