I like to think of myself as an early adopter in one specific way: I’ve had Elon Musk blocked on Twitter for well over a year. That guy is really annoying and not funny. Also, I just need to state somewhere publicly: if I had billions of dollars like that guy, you would never know my name. I would have a private island somewhere, hire world-famous musical acts to play for me every weekend, create an animal sanctuary, and throw money at the water crisis in Flint until it was solved. In my ample free time, I would try to prove the existence of mermaids and definitely buy dinosaur bones like Nic Cage does.
I categorically would not buy and ruin a social media platform. I just wouldn’t. It is a colossal waste of time. If I felt the need for adoration and recognition, I would pay the members of New Kids on the Block to be my friends because that would be wish fulfillment of my 6-year-old self. Surely that would be more fulfilling than having millions of people vote on a poll to tell me I’m not fit to be CEO of the social media platform I bought.
Now that we’ve got that out of the way, the latest chapter in how Elon is ruining Twitter is that it appears he’s unblocked himself from people’s accounts in order to increase his own Tweet engagement. LOL. This has real “my mom says you have to play with me” energy. Which was sad when we were eight and is even sadder that this man is 51 years old. Yikes.
This comes hot on the heels of last week’s rumor that he fired an engineer because he thought his impression count was too low for his follower count.
This is so sad and so pathetic. All the money in the world, essentially, and he wants the attention of the nameless, faceless masses. What is lacking in this man’s life that he needs this? Truly? Like a kid who was always told he was funny, but never actually got laughs at his jokes, he’s trying to tweet funny memes as if he’s in on the joke, and not the literal joke here:
As I said above, if I had his kind of money, none of you would know my name. I would be happily sitting on my private island, paying Taylor Swift and Beyonce $100,000 each time they would respond to a text of mine, living the life, having a grand old time. I would not be doing this. This is sad, desperate, and pathetic, because as I pointed out. This man has children! He has means! Go enjoy your money and spend time with your dependents. Stop trying to get DarkLordBonerWizard6969 to interact with your Tweets—that’s always been a losing battle, you weirdo! DarkLordBonerWizard6969 has nothing to lose, so he will always win. That’s just a fact of the internet.
At this point, it’s a fascinating downward spiral for Elon Musk. I’m lucky enough that I’m not seeing more of his tweets (yet) because most of my feed is full of Twilight bots, and people who are into really weird stuff, but I’m sure it’s only a matter of time until the Lord of Shitposting finds a way to infiltrate all aspects of the platform so deep is his need for attention from all of us.
Elon, if you’re reading this, truly, it’s not too late to adopt my plan of a private island, paying for friends, and just buying haunted artifacts. There is a better way. Or, barring that, you could still solve the Flint Water crisis, man. If you did that, literally everyone would love you. At least for a little while.
(featured image: Matt Cardy/Getty Images)
