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Elon Thinks His Bedside Table is Cool? OK Well if We’re Comparing …

It's all about the flex.

Elon Musk poses at a space event

Yesterday, Elon Musk posted one of his most bizarre tweets yet (which is really saying something!): a photo of his bedside table.

Musk seems to be proud of the fact that he keeps two replica guns next to his bed, never throws out his Coke cans, and, despite being a billionaire, doesn’t pay anyone to wipe up the rings from past drinks that have accumulated on his ugly furniture. The photo raises so many questions. Why is he sleeping next to fake guns, one from a video game and the other from a historical replica company? Why does he think caffeine-free diet Coke is cool? Why does he want anyone to see that he lives like this, especially when he’s already the cartoon villain of the internet? Doesn’t he know we’re comparing him to Milhouse’s dad from The Simpsons?

However, the biggest issue with Elon’s bedside table is that, frankly, mine is way cooler. That’s right. You hear that, Elon? You’ve got nothing on this flex.

Here’s all the stuff on my bedside table.

Half a rock-hard Snickers bar and a dozen ants

I got a free Snickers bar when my mom had some leftover Halloween candy that she didn’t give to trick-or-treaters. That’s right, my mom runs a full-size-bar household at Halloween, and I got one of those full-size bars! The thing is I actually don’t like Snickers very much, so I hate half the thing just because I could, and abandoned the other half when I started to feel sick. That was about a month ago, and ants have slowly been inspecting what’s left of the bar as it gets staler and staler. I haven’t had a complete infestation, because I think a Snickers doesn’t have enough actual food in it to really interest them. I don’t know why I haven’t thrown it out yet, since it’s definitely not edible anymore.

Yeah, that’s right. It’s all about the flex.

Probiotics for my IBS

I get tummy troubles! Bad ones! So my doctor recommended this probiotic powder to take before bed. I haven’t noticed a difference yet, but hope springs eternal!

Bet you wish you were me.

A pile of novels I’m never going to finish because I’m always on my phone

I used to be a reader. God, I used to read. I’d clock in at 100 books a year. Now that I’m always on my smartphone, though, my attention span has been atomized beyond recognition and I can’t seem to get through books anymore. Right now my pile of unfinished books contains a mixture of really cerebral stuff that I would love to have read, and a bunch of light novels that I thought would hold my attention, but didn’t. Every time I fail to finish a book, I worry that my brain is literally shrinking because of that damn phone and all the Twitter drama that keeps sucking me in instead of leaving me the mental bandwidth to read a book. Help me. I fear that I’m losing all the qualities that once made me an interesting person. Help me, please.

Yeah, you’re jealous, I can tell. What makes me so hardcore? I was just born that way, I guess.

My phone

I can’t stop looking at it! Everything in my life is on it! Social media is like a car crash that never ends and I simply never stop being interested in the latest online trash fire! Plus, I don’t have a physical alarm clock anymore, so, phone.

Damn, I’m going to hurt myself, flexing so hard.

A light-up replica of Luke Skywalker’s lightsaber

That’s right—I keep it on my bedside table, so that it’s the first thing I see every morning when I wake up. It doesn’t really fit on the table, since the actual saber part is a long plastic tube instead of a retractable laser beam, so I kind of lean it carefully against the wall and wedge it into place with the pile of books. If I jostle the nightstand by flailing in my sleep during one of my countless nightmares that I’m not as hardcore as I think I am, then it clatters to the ground and wakes everyone up. But it’s worth it. Why? Because winners sleep with fake weapons next to their pillows.

And I’m a winner. I’m a winner! Can’t you tell by all this amazing stuff that I sleep next to? I’m going to keep flexing until you admit that I’m amazing.

(featured image: Britta Pedersen-Pool/Getty Images)

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Julia Glassman (she/her) lives in Los Angeles, where she reads tarot and watches Marvel movies. You can check out more of her writing at linktr.ee/juliaglassman, or find her on Twitter at @juliaglassman.