You’re never going to come home and find Sherlock and John sneaking a quickie in your bed. I’ve tried to come to terms with this, and I have to say, it really isn’t going well. But it’s okay, because I have perfected a plan to get you the next best thing. Well no, not Benedict and Martin sneaking a quickie in your bed while roleplaying Sherlock and John. The next next best thing. Well, maybe not the next next best thing, but, like, a reasonable compromise. Because reality is balls, guys, and this is the best I could come up with.
Basically, this is my foolproof plan to convince your partner to call you “Sherlock”in the bedroom. Based on the sample size of me this one time, it works 100% of the time, and it can be accomplished in only six easy steps.
1. Consider investing in a “sexy sleuth”costume
You know how, each Halloween, the costume industry finds a couple new interesting characters or personas to force awkwardly into their miniskirt-and-fishnets women’s costume template, forcing anyone who wants to present as a woman on Halloween and isn’t comfortable with that look to either tie a scarf around the middle of a “men’s” costume or freeze their exposed arse off all night? Well that insulting practice is about to work in your favour, friend, because what you’re going to want to do right now is run down to the closest year-round costume shop and pick up a “sexy sleuth” costume. What you’re looking for here is a very very short dress in a houndstooth pattern, because that is how lady detectives dress. Bonus points if you can find a lovely houndstooth capelet to go with it, because if you’re not into wearing dresses in the bedroom, the capelet is likely going to be your only costume tonight. I tried to find some sexy sleuth costumes “for men,” but apparently the male version of the sexy sleuth is a hot guy in a SWAT costume, and nobody wants a SWAT team in their bedroom right now.
You’re going to feel tempted to bring a deerstalker to this party, and I’m going to tell you right here that it’s a bad idea. The houndstooth is going to have you pretty fired up already, and if you add in a deerstalker, your partner is going to end up sitting fully clothed in the living room while you pace around the sofa spouting fake deductions and ranting about that one girl you know who actually ships Sherlock and Janine. Plus, your S.O. already talked to you about how much of the household budget should be going toward deerstalkers, and that fight will totally kill the mood, so definitely just skip the hat tonight.
2. Get into character
Rehashing old hat fights isn’t the only thing that can kill the moment; the “dull routine of existence” can creep in and turn a sexy night into a night of folding laundry in front of the DVR, so you’re going to want to start setting the scene early. Regardless of whether you and your partner live together, go ahead and plan a special date night, and then use your date to set the mood. In this case, that means that you’ll need to start subtly behaving in a way that your partner will associate with Sherlock Holmes, which of course means you’ll need to come up with some Sherlocky observations and deductions. It’s okay to start broad, but by about an hour into the date, your deductions should mostly be in character. But also sexy.
Remember that Sherlock doesn’t care whether his deductions are tactful or kind, you know, and then take that and add some sexy onto it. Try telling your partner something like, “We have time to stop at CVS to pick up more deodorant; I can tell that you’re running low and are trying to conserve the remaining deodorant by using a sub-efficacious amount on each of your armpits.” Then wink. If they say that they aren’t out of deodorant, tell them that their smoking has resulted in hyposmia, and wink again, since using words like “hyposmia” is obviously very sexy. If your partner doesn’t smoke, substitute “ageing” for smoking, and wink more slowly to compensate for your ageing partner’s slower cognitive processing. Explain that you have winked slower in order to compensate for your partner ageing partner’s slower cognitive processing. Wink again, while licking your lips.
3. Inject some excitement
No matter how many deductions you deduce on your date, your partner is never going to call you Sherlock if you just go home right after dinner. You need to end the night with a bang, the way a date with Sherlock would really end, and that of course means you need to stage a murder. The easiest way to stage a murder is obviously to just murder someone, but a plain old murder isn’t going to be enough for tonight. Tonight, what you need is to stage your own murder. Presumably you’ve spent some time planning this out before, but if not, basically what you need is a friend to play the murderer, a fake weapon, some fake blood, a fresh cadaver that has your same build and colouring, a medical examiner that can be bribed or otherwise coerced, and the ability to stay very still while your loved one weeps over your “corpse” (or “your” corpse, depending on where you are in the evening). Don’t stress too much, though, because it only has to be believable for long enough for your partner to be really really sure you’re dead, and for you to change into your sexy sleuth costume.
4. Show your partner how much you care
So you swept into the morgue in your houndstooth capelet and revealed that you’re alive, and now you and your bewildered partner is being interviewed by some very angry cops. This is the most important part of the entire night, so don’t mess it up: tell the police that you will deal with all of this in the morning and that you need to get your partner home to bed. This is one of the ways that Sherlock and John take care of each other, and it will show your partner how much they mean to you and how attuned you are to their emotional state. Of course, the police won’t actually let you leave unless they have a really good reason to trust you.
5. Cultivate a mutually beneficial working relationship with the local police department by solving difficult crimes over the course of several years while also bonding on a personal level with a high-ranking police detective
6. Use open and honest communication to make your desires clear to your partner while allowing them to feel safe and respected if they’re unwilling or unable to meet those desires
Once you’re both back at home wiping the sheep’s blood and cadaver juice off each other’s faces, it’s time for a frank and fearless discussion about what you want and why you want it. Tell your partner what you’d like from them, and explain that it isn’t in any way because they aren’t enough for you or aren’t satisfying on their own. If your partner says they don’t want to call you Sherlock, or they don’t understand anything that just happened, or they’re worried that they do have hyposmia and won’t be able to focus on sex until they speak with their physician, or they’re filing a restraining order first thing in the morning and think that you both should keep the breakup sex as vanilla as possible, listen respectfully and don’t push. Your partner is a human being with autonomy and is allowed to reject your request. But if you’ve followed my instructions, and your partner is still willing to get into bed with you, you probably have a pretty good shot at getting them to call you Sherlock. Rejoice. You have filled the hours of another Sherlock-less day.
Kiri Van Santen co-chairs a nonprofit and loves fans and fan culture, but she hates screaming and crowds. Her fandoms include sitting quietly and being reasonable. Follow Kiri on Twitter.
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