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Who the $%#& Is House Velaryon?

Like seriously, who do they think they are?

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I’ve been part of House Westeros for a while now, since I was literally a freshman. A freshman human. Like a baby. Cause I was born into it (thanks, Mom and Dad). And I know all the other houses on campus. The Lannisters, The Starks, The Baratheons. Those squid guys. And I’ve seen it all, bruh. I’ve seen people literally die cause they couldn’t hang. Like I was there when the wildest kid in Westeros got hazed to death with a sword by one of his bros. It was batshit. But me and my house stuck it out, we survived cause we’re winners and we lowkey throw the chillest feasts (seriously, you should come by sometime, bring girls tho.)

But then this new house, House Velaryon, shows up on campus and I’m like wtffffff? Apparently, they’ve been around for a while but I’ve literally never even heard of them? My buddy Kyle told me that they were all transfers from Essos, and that they came over like a while ago. Like they’re on some Old Valyrian shit. And apparently, they’re super tight with House Targaryen? Like I thought our house and those boys were homies for a while but like apparently they’ve been homies with the Velaryons for even longer. I heard the Valeryons have mad ships and are all on the rowing team? Like when Aegon The Conqueror was still in school they helped him bring all his boys over from Essos so he could… you know, conquer shit? And they date each other, man, like it’s pretty incestuous. Kyle said there have been like a shit ton of marriages between the two houses and I’m like, dude, why are you all getting married? ou’re all like 19?

Hang on a sec, Kyle’s calling, brb.

Omg bro you’re not gonna believe this. Kyle just told me why we’ve literally never heard of these dudes. It’s cause they were so tight with the Targaryens that when Robbie B. (Baratheon, duh) took over after the Mad King, everyone figured out that the Velaryons were just using House Targaryen for clout. So when the Targaryens stopped being cool and the Baratheons were the Big Men On Campus, they stopped being cool too. So embarrassing, right? I like don’t even know what I’d do with myself if that ever happened to me. Like I get that you have to be chill with the other Houses but you have to have your own vibe or you’re not gonna get any pledges (of fealty). Whatever man, you can’t save them all.

Btw there’s a party at our place later and girls from Dorne are coming, you gotta come. I heard they all carry knives and shit. Trust me bro, it’s gonna get weird.

Featured image credit: Warner Bros.

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Jack Doyle
Jack Doyle (they/them) is actually nine choirs of biblically accurate angels in crammed into one pair of $10 overalls. They have been writing articles for nerds on the internet for less than a year now. They really like anime. Like... REALLY like it. Like you know those annoying little kids that will only eat hotdogs and chicken fingers? They're like that... but with anime. It's starting to get sad.

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