It’s no secret that we here at TMS are big fans of the gang over at Screen Junkies, and their addictive video series Honest Trailers. So of course as soon as the critically reviled Cats movie was released, we’ve been waiting for their signature take on 2019’s biggest box office flop.
And friends, Honest Trailers did not disappoint. The team responded by performing the entire review in song, and the results are predictably delightful. The narrator describes the film as “stretching the descriptive ability of language to its breaking point,” and the film’s creation as part of a Faustian bargain for Tom Hooper’s Best Director Oscar win for Les Miserables. Sidebar, Tom Hooper directed Les Mis AND The King’s Speech? And then Cats? Oof magoof, that’s a rough decline.
The narrator sums of the film as “keeping everything insane about the Broadway show but strips away the thrill of live performance, and weirdly keeps a lot of constraints of a staged production.” This just about sums up what most reviewers have said, as well as most of our staff. I’m one of the few TMS writers who hasn’t seen Cats, although in this crazy new quarantine world ANYTHING is possible.
The trailer kicks into high gear as it turns into a musical. The trailer asks us if we’re “high as a kite” and reminds us to “thank your lucky stars, you can’t see up their ass”, referring to the infamous butthole cut of the film.
The trailer asks the same questions many of us have, like what is a Jellicle cat, or how big are cats supposed to be, or how did they get this all-star cast for this trash movie? The trailer also clued me into things I previously did not know about the film (and wish I still didn’t), like the chorus line of human-faced dancing cockroaches?! I’ve read A LOT about this mess but no one mentioned this particular strain of nightmare fuel. Thanks, I hate it.
The trailer breaks down the variety of cats: Criss Angel cats, Fire Your Agent cats, ethereal cats, Luther-ial cats, Taylor Swiftical cats, Emmy griftical cats (a reference to James Corden’s carpool karaoke beating Honest Trailers two years in a row), Magneto cats and all regrettable cats.
Honest Trailers also sums it up succintly: Cats is a bad, dumb musical that has zero plot. It’s just cats singing their own names and ends with “J. Hud. gets in a ballon”. Wait a minute, are those mice with human faces?! As the trailer sings, “the body horror on display makes Cronenberg look quaint.”
The song continues, as snippets of reviews from Rotten Tomatoes float across the screen. As the final line goes to the tune of “Memory”, “this film taught me to understand what crappiness is, but to roast it is so fun.”
God I hate this movie, and I haven’t even seen it. But I am nevertheless delighted and amused by the roasting, the hot takes, and all the unintentional humor that this film has gifted us. Thanks for the meme-ories, Cats.
(via Honest Trailers, image: Screen Junkies)
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