Macaulay Culkin, co-founder of lifestyle media Bunny Ears, is the honorary bell ringers of the Nasdaq Closing Bell from the Nasdaq Entrepreneurial Center on August 6, 2019 in San Francisco, California.

It’s Time for Kevin McCallister to Return Home for the Holidays in This Amazing Home Alone Two Husbands Headcanon

Merry Christmas ya filthy animal!
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Before we proceed I should let you know that, no, we’re not getting any sort of follow-up to Home Alone, this is just a really neat idea courtesy of Twitter.

My holiday movie enthusiasts who grew up and watched, in awe, as a child whose family treated him worse than forgotten Thanksgiving leftovers made his family disappear, we have somehow gotten FIVE Home Alone movies. Also, I retract my statement about not getting a follow-up, because there are plans for a reboot on Disney+ that … sigh … does not bring back any of the original cast.

Listen. For many of us (myself included), we mentally stop the franchise after the second movie because we no longer focus on our wholesome death trap creator, Kevin McCallister.

Except in the fourth movie?

Where he isn’t played by Macaulay Culkin??

And Kevin’s parents are getting a divorce???

And only Marv (not played by Daniel Stern) is trying to exact revenge????

With the help of his wife?????

I’m sorry, I kinda thought Marv and Harry were married? Like Pinky and the Brain?

Anyway, writer/actor Kevin Zak took to Twitter to present what they call a true Home Alone 3, and let me just say? I’m entirely into this premise, and the whole lengthy thread is worth reading.

Ok first of all? Yes, please, bring back Kevin, let him be played by Culkin, and let him bring Dan Levy into the chaos that is Home Alone. If anyone’s gonna comment on the fact that Kevin’s traps could (and should) definitely kill a man, it’s Dan Levy. Just thinking of his facial expressions when Kevin rigs up some of these things is comedic gold. You KNOW he’s gonna ask how he came up with this stuff as a child… or just conclude that children will be the death of us all. Maybe he’ll point out some of Kevin’s oddities in their own home?

Kevin? Do you have green plastic army men toys strewn about for no reason?

Regardless, as husband Derek gets the details of Kevin’s clear survivalist upbringing, he’ll react the way I react when I rewatch some of these traps. To this day I still wince when I see how deep that nail went into Marv’s foot.

And this? Kevin. Sir.

Zak’s thread goes on to say that Kevin and his husband head to Chicago to help Kevin’s widowed mother (played by original actress Catherine Harris, of course, but squeezing in that Schitt’s Creek synergy) move out of the old home. This sits better with me than the 4th movie, which had the parents separating and Kevin’s father hooking up with a rich girlfriend? Anyhow, they aren’t able to have a friendly visit, as the Wet Bandits have been released from prison after 30 years and only have one thing in mind: revenge.

When Kevin and husband Derek arrive at the house, Mama McCallister has been kidnapped! Derek is distraught, but Kevin knows who the culprits are and knows how to deal with them. As the two embark on a quest to rescue the woman, they find themselves on the receiving end of wacky traps set by the bandits! Of course, they can’t duplicate the skill of Kevin, who manages to evade the traps and help his husband through them (though Zak does mention that Derek would get caught in a couple because hijinks and Home Alone go hand and hand).

The only thing I would want to add to this instant holiday classic is that I hope the husbands don’t have to deal with any sort of “sorry Derek, my mom doesn’t know we’re married” angst. The mama kidnapping, the return of an arch-nemesis, and bonkers traps are enough to be stressed about. PLEASE don’t make it into a story where Kevin was married in secret because his family was unsupportive. After the first two movies, we know that Mama McCallister, at the very least, would stay close to her son after everything they went through.

Hard mode: Buzz is still a jackass, but does NOT use homophobia against his brother Kevin. You can easily have sibling tension without that level of discrimination.

Even if Home Alone director Chris Columbus is on record saying that any sort of reboot would be a waste of time, it’s fun to think of what the story would be like if we revisited it decades later.

Are there any holiday classics that you’d want to see rebooted today? What’s your perfect Home Alone headcanon?

(Image: Kimberly White/Stringer)

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Author
Image of Briana Lawrence
Briana Lawrence
Briana (she/her - bisexual) is trying her best to cosplay as a responsible adult. Her writing tends to focus on the importance of representation, whether it’s through her multiple book series or the pieces she writes. After de-transforming from her magical girl state, she indulges in an ever-growing pile of manga, marathons too much anime, and dedicates an embarrassing amount of time to her Animal Crossing pumpkin patch (it's Halloween forever, deal with it Nook)