Hades II is upon us, and Hell has never looked hotter. The characters of Hades are totally crushable, but anyone familiar with the Greek Pantheon knows that some don’t deserve to be ranked due to bad behavior. *Ahem* Zeus. No, his silver fox looks don’t make up for it.
10. Poseidon
Get a load of this Water Daddy. Sure, referring to himself as “Earthshaker” isn’t exactly the most attractive thing in the world. But he’s a Greek God! A little cockiness is to be expected. And yes, the whole “Gentleman of the Sea” bit does come off as a bit fedora-y but we can fix him! He’s just old fashioned! As far as gods go, he’s ancient! One of the OGs. Can’t blame him for being a bit of a square. Besides, his Fluid Gain boon is absolutely perfect for any mana-heavy build! He PROVIDES. What more can you ask for? He just needs to keep his Fluids to himself until the third date.
9. Nemesis
I almost choked on my ambrosia when I first took a gander at Nemesis. Bonafide muscle mommy goth amazon? Slay me. She’s tough. She’s strong. She gets right to the point. She might be a little mean sometimes but hey! At least she’s honest! You can expect open communication from her. Blunt as a hammer to the side of the head. Better to know where you stand in a relationship rather than some kind of wishy-washy “boon with benefits” situation. We all know where that leads: Hell, literally.
8. Odysseus
Odysseus is a man whose deeds proceed him. Fearless sailor. War hero. Monster slayer. The man journeyed across perilous seas for 10 long years just to make it home to his beloved wife and son. Sure he … um … cheated on her with Circe, but HEY no one’s perfect, right? Why do we even have to talk about his wife anyway? Wife? What wife? I’ve never met her. She doesn’t exist. This ain’t about her. He’s a man who’s gonna be around for a good time, not a long time. Fine by me.
7. Moros
The god bad luck eh? Can I still get lucky? Kidding. Heh. No but seriously I’m down bad. He looks like he just walked off the runway at an Alexander McQueen show (and subsequently straight into my heart). You can find him only after dying during a run. That’s a lot to ask of someone for a date. But hey, I got infinite lives. What’s losing one more gonna hurt? And he even gives you a gift! The Fated List of Minor Prophecies! I LOVE spooky home decor! He’s so thoughtful! I’d meet him at The Crossroads anytime.
6. Eris
Dark wings. A pixie cut. And a GUN? Aim DIRECTLY for my heart why don’t you? Eris is the daughter of Nyx, who is also a total stunner herself. She was the previous owner of Exagryph, the Adamant Rail, one of the sweetest ranged weapons in the original Hades. What does that mean? It means she has TASTE. Sure she stole the weapon from the goddess Hestia and that’s a bit of a dick move, but I swear I can fix her. Really. I mean it. I could do it for Minthara in Baldur’s Gate 3. Beautiful people operating outside the boundaries of morality are my specialty.
5. Apollo
Ahem! Who is this!? This radiant golden god whose arrow hath pierced my bosom? Apollo lights up the room. Literally. He’s charming. He’s charismatic. He’s chivalrous. He’s all that and the River Styx. I could go anywhere with this guy. A warehouse rave. A high society party. A quiet coffee shop. He just knows how to make friends everywhere! Okay maybe he’s a little loud and ostentatious for a coffee shop, but when you look like that you can’t help but put on a show every door you walk through. He only loses points because he just can’t keep a secret—and, you know, why should we have secrets? Why shouldn’t our love shine like a beacon for all the world to see?
4. Aphrodite
I think that I’ve been hit with a Status Curse, because I am weak for this woman. Seductive. Flirty. Drop dead gorgeous. They don’t call her the Goddess of Love for nothing. According to Achilles, she is the most powerful god in all of Olympus. Not even a thunderbolt from Zeus could hurt worse than a heartbreak from her. How could you ever get over Aphrodite? You don’t. Her only downside is she does’t have a lot of friends. She can be kinda … mean. More than mean. Downright nasty. Her words hurt. Dating her seems like it would be a bit of a turbulent experience. But love can fix anything right? Right? That’s what Aphrodite says, and I’ll believe anything that comes out of her mouth.
3. Selene
I think I have been hit with ANOTHER Status Curse. My hard heart has been Morphed into a soft little kitten for this woman. I’m gonna make like Sokka in Avatar the Last Airbender and rizz up the Moon. What choice do I have? She’s graceful as moonlight on lake water. She’s serene. She’s thoughtful. She’s empathetic. She’s one of the few gods who are just downright nice to me! Is that too much to ask!? Listen, I’m all for an enemies-to-lovers arc, but can’t it ever just go lovers to bigger lovers? With Selene, I think it can.
2. Artemis
Apollo has a sister!? This woman has just dealt a Critical Hit to my heart. She’s stoic. She’s quiet. She’s a loner. That’s okay! We can be loners together. Unlike the other gods of Olympus, Artemis is not about the drama. She wants nothing to do with the divine squabbles typical of her feuding family. She just wants to chill out in the woods and run around at night. Who doesn’t? Let’s do it! She might seem standoffish, but it’s just because she’s a little shy! How cute is that!? A shy god! Once you get past her tough exterior, she’s totally sweet. She even told Zagreus that he was her bestie at one point. Can you see Aphrodite doing something like that? Me neither. She’s the Girl Next Door on Mount Olympus, and I’m ringing the doorbell.
1. Melinoë
Fearless protagonist! God-killer! Go getter! Who doesn’t love someone with ambitions? Melinoë is a nymph trying to take down Chronos, and honestly, it’s about time someone did! That guy’s a total dick! Sure, she seems like she’s a little all work and no play, but that’s what you get when you date a main character. Besides, there are so many benefits to being the love interest of the main character. Like sharing in the glory! Helping out in an hour of need! Getting murdered by the villain in order to provide much needed Third Act character growth! Wait. On second thought, that last one doesn’t sound all too great. But you know what? It’ll be good while it lasts.
